Some Depressing Shit

Okay, so before I start writing let it be known that I might mess up on grammar and if I do it’s most likely because once I get into typing I really suck at editing myself, so if that happens; which it will, just deal with it.

So I’m less depressed now than I was an hour or two ago and that might be due to the fact that I’m on my third day of taking anti-depression medication. But it’s not much better, it just makes me feel okay with life I guess. So let’s go back and explain today’s feeling of hopelessness.

A week ago I was scheduled for a job interview and about four days before that interview I received a random call from a staffing agency. In the long run I ended up having two job interviews that were two days apart from one another.

At each of them I was told that they would have a decision at the end of the week, so what do I do? I waited a week or five days a weekend and that following Monday, on that Thursday I wrote both companies a very short and very nice e-mail to both of the hiring managers.

Today (March 14th, 2018) I called both places but only received word from one of the two, one of them telling me not to contact the company directly because I worked for the staffing agency, which is beyond weird to me. But I was told that their client was not going to hire me.

So am I doing something wrong? What the fuck is it? After being told, “No,” over and over again it has put me into a spot where I assume that there is a lot of discrimination that goes on in the workplace, even if the laws say otherwise. But is there? Am I just pulling shit out of my ass?

There are a lot of jobs that I can’t do, and sadly I understand that and it has put me into this spiral where I don’t trust anyone. A lot of entry level jobs that do not require you to have a college education often require you to have physical abilities that I don’t have no matter how hard I try.

If you do not know I have a physical disability that has me in a wheelchair, and I can stand up for short periods of time and whatnot. But still there are a fuck ton of jobs that I can’t do based on that.

What did I do to try to get around that? I had the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation fund both of my college degrees. I have two college degrees, one in Mechanical Engineering Design and the other in Machining and Manufacturing Technologies.

The state rather pay someone with a disability, someone who can not find a job, to go to school and acquire the tasks to be employable than to pay you X amount for the rest of your life because you can not find a job.

That brings me to my next point, Social Security Disability Income. They pay more than basic Social Security, and the only reason I’m on it is due to the that I held my first job for five years and payed into the system. But honestly, do you know how much they give you, or me in this case because it varies from person to person; $905.00 a month, do you have any idea how hard it is to live off of 10,860.00 a year?

It’s not easy. And for those of you who think that all we do is sit at home and eat the most lavish food one can buy, no, no we don’t. But I don’t feel like I need to go into that. The point is that I don’t take any pride in the fact that I’m taking your tax money, I don’t; I mean I’m glad it’s there because if it wasn’t I would have became homeless and killed myself long ago, either that or go live at my parents and feel like a useless 34 year old that lives with his mom and dad.

Do you know how many times I’ve been told, “We’re going to pass on you,” it’s depressing as hell. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Like, I come off socially awkward in interviews. Or do I? Is that what I force myself to believe? It can’t be the disability thing, or can it?

I honestly had a thought today, “If I was not here I would not feel like crap day in and day out over an issue that I can’t control, and I wouldn’t disappoint people who expect me to be financially stable,” but at the same time I had the contradictory thought of “I don’t want to die; people love me regardless, I’m getting married in 7 months, I have a son, I have parents, I have friends; and all of these people care about me.

I have the tendency to be one of the best people that you got to know, I even blow people away a lot of the time. I would not actually do that I love myself too much, but this, this thing called life is too depressing.

Do employers even care? I don’t think they do! I sit there in an interview and you know that I can use Solidworks, I can read a blueprint, I have plenty of knowledge when it comes to manufacturing; I know how to generate a bill of materials, I have knowledge in geometric tolerancing and dimensioning. I’m not just some dipshit off the street.

It is so hard for me to buy into the fact that you’re not hiring me because I didn’t fit. Now all I hear when you say, “We’re going to pass on you,” is, “We are so sorry that you have a shitty life, but that’s not our problem. We now that you want this job and will put every ounce of energy that you have into it, but because of the fact that you come off socially awkward and no longer trust yourself because people keep kicking you when you’re down; we don’t care about you.

Like how do people do it? How do you gain confidence that you don’t have? How do you act like you’re the best person in the world when time and time again employers have given you a reason to think you’re just someone else. How the hell?

Advertisements

The Digital Journal

I have a journal on my computer, I started it in 2013 when I lived at my parents house in Lincoln, NE. The entries on it have dwindled between 2013 and 2018, but every now and then I did write shit down, more or less to give myself someone to bitch to, even if it was myself. I got to admit, it’s fun to go read shit that you wrote a year or two ago.

This entry is going to be public. Because well, I’m pissed off and some people might like to know why. In the large aspect, it won’t matter; but if you care to read I’m going to tell you nonetheless. And I may go off on tangents here and there to explain the background of something that might not be known.

So to start things off let me ask you a question? You know that picture? The One at the top of this posting? That’s my left hip after surgery. You might be asking, “What did you do.” Well…

I was going down a slight hill, a very slight hill , in my wheelchair if you don’t know anything about me, and at one point I took my hands off of my wheels to try to put a key in my pocket. So at this point whatever speed I has, which was fast, was taking me wherever gravity wanted to take me.

And…I crashed, was ejected out of my wheelchair and my body flew in a different direction then my wheelchair did which resulted in my body getting thrown onto the pavement.

So…that picture is the result of a broken bone. And I’m still recovering, according to the physical therapists total recovery time is about a year and a half, and as of now (January 2018) I’m only about 3.5 mouths into a 18 mouth healing process.

But…I only bring that up to give you a better understanding of what I’m about to say.

This morning I left the house at…

Oh yea, it is January 11th, 2018 at 4:55pm Pacific Standard Time.

This morning I left the house at 11:45 to go to a PT appointment. I also had to go to Fred Meyer and Bi-Mart.

Speaking of Bi-Mart, that is a weird fucking store. There is only one entrance into the store, and even when you get into the store some employee has to fucking buzz you in or open the turnstyle, if you want to call it. That makes you feel like you’re fucking cattle being drawn into the barn!

Then when you leave, when you leave; there is only one exit and you can’t get to it unless you buy something, or at least that must be their goal. So if you don’t buy anything you have to go through the check stand anyways.

And what if every line has someone in it waiting to buy something? Well I’ll tell you what you do if you’re in a wheelchair, you fucking sit there and wait for nothing, with nothing, just you can leave.

And the inside of the store makes you feel like you were transported to a small ass fucking town in the middle of goddamn nowhere, a store that has a lot of shit, but no type of interior decoration, just aisles of shit that look like every other goddamn aisle of shit.

Fuck Bi-Mart!!!

The only reason I had to go was because of my disabled future father-in-law who can not used a computer even if he wanted to had to drop off some paperwork at the pharmacy, and I happened to be the vehicle do get done what he can’t do.

I can’t really walk in the first place, then I got a surgical hip on top of it. I finally got to the point where I can go somewhere on my own accord, but it’s not the fast to transfer my wheelchair and use a cane to help me walk to the driver’s side of my car. So I more or less had to do that 10 times from when I left to when I got home.

When I left the house it was raining. When I was at my physical therapy appointment it stopped raining and became sunny, but an hour and a half hour later; it started raining again.

I’m not complaining about the rain! It’s something that you have to force yourself to get used to when you live in the Pacific Northwest. And well, I lived 50 miles south of Seattle from 1998-2013. I just happen to live in Portland, Oregon now.

But fucking people, turn on your goddamn headlights when it is overcast as fuck and it’s raining. Yes, we all are aware that you can see, but do you ever ask yourself, “Can they see me.” Yes we can, but it’s much harder when you don’t have your lights on and everyone else does.

And when we look over to see if we can change lanes or not, are you in our blind spot? Well I don’t fucking know because your car blends into the environment, you don’t have your lights on because you think you’re special or some shit, and all that rain on our back windows make it hard to see. It would be much easier if…I don’t know, they invented these things that lit up that were not only a way for you to see but was also a way to be like “Here I am.”

You would think they have this problem too, but I guess not; I guess they are just assholes that don’t seem to care about anyone else’s safety.

And…handicapped parking. When you get to a store and all 8 handicapped spots are taken. What do you do. Park in a normal spot right? What if you need that no parking zone on the side of your car for the extra room required to do things like open your door, get out, then fit your wheelchair right next to your care to load or unload things.

What am I supposed to do?

What are they, as in other disabled people, supposed to do?

Does anyone care?

Close to 4 hours later I got back home, from going to 3 places! I’m not super happy about it either. But what do I do, sit here and clap at the wall; as if I need more reasons to be depressed.

Once again, fuck Bi-Mart.

 

The Scientific Ramblings of a Confused Human.

What comes after 0 seconds? 1 second. What comes after 59 seconds? 60 seconds. What is 60 seconds equivalent to? 1 minute!

What comes after 1 minute? 2 minutes. What comes after 59 minutes? 60 minutes. What is 60 minutes equivalent to? 1 hour!

What comes after 1 hour? 2 hours. What comes after 23 hours? 24 hours. What is 24 hours equivalent to? 1 day!

What comes after 1 day? 2 days. What comes after 6 days? 7 days. What is 7 days days equivalent to? 1 week!

What comes after 1 week? 2 weeks. What comes after 3 weeks? 4 weeks. What is 4 weeks equivalent to? 1 month!

What comes after 1 month? 2 months. What comes after 11 months? 12 months. What is 12 months equivalent to? 1 year!

Point being that the timeline is a timeline, time does not stop even after you die and the Earth gets to the point where it holds no form of life for another billion years or whatever. The only reason we know the time and date is because someone, somewhere, was like, “Hey, if the sun is on a scale we can all relate to one another and keep track of history and what not.”

Okay, he did not say that; but if the words of Matthew McConaughey, “It’d be pretty cool if you did.”

Why the fuck does everyone make a big deal out of the new year? Yes, it’s a new year; and guess what happens? People do shit, you’re just hoping it’s good shit. How far do you want to take it? Do you want to light off fireworks every minute. If so that is going to cost you a lot of fucking money and you might get arrested too.

Like, it’s just another number on our system of time. And how do we even know that today is what today is? Is it because we all agree on it?

What if I made a resolution to drink more beer and I started on March 13th, 2022? Would it be any different than making the same resolution on January 1st, 2018?

And fucking people on Goddamn Facebook, stop acting like a new year is going to like…change who you are or some shit. You might change. And if you did, good; hopefully. But guess what? You changed you, or tried to; a new number on this thing that we call the timeline ain’t changing shit besides your age and the age of things around you.

And in the words of Forest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Why is It?

Why is it that every time I’m losing a game of Madden 18 online against some random ass kid that I just want to go view his gamertag and send them a message that says, “You’re a fucking ass fuck asshole and your mom wishing she swallowed you, you fucking piece of shit.”

I don’t know! It’s just a video game. I’ve won too, they were most likely pissed at me too. And when you’re winning, unless its a very close game, you don’t have any anger towards some person that you don’t even know.

Like, I know…or I think, this person is just playing online like I am and if they were winning they really wouldn’t think about it too much and at the moment that they get a message saying, “Fuck you asshole,” they are probably like, “What the fuck did I do.”

So I’m not a total asshole, but why does losing a fake football game give me such anger towards someone I don’t know? And why does it make me feel like I’m a piece of shit that can’t do anything right?

Burning my controller might make me feel better, but it won’t do anything but cost me money that I don’t have.

What If…

A few days ago I was eating breakfast at my parents house in the 253 (Tacoma, WA area) before I got in my car and headed back to the Portland, Oregon. My dad, he is a republican and has this tendency to bring up conversations that you don’t want to really be part of. He also has an issue with people playing sports, in America, not standing for the national anthem so let me write a few things down, in no particular order, before I get onto the topic of way I started this post in the first place.

The first time the National Anthem was played at a public sports event was during the 1918 World Series held by the Major League Baseball. According to a quick Google search Major League Baseball was established in 1869. So not taking the mouths into account, just doing basic math, that’s 49 years without singing or even standing for the National Anthem. It was only sang by the military two years prior in 1916 under the order of President Woodrow Wilson.

Jackie Robinson, the first black athlete of the MLB didn’t play under the MLB until the year 1947. So doing basic math again, that’s 29 years that we sang the National Anthem before black dudes were able to play on the same field as white dudes. On a side note, the Negro National League was established in 1920, so that was 27 years before he was allowed to go over there.

By reading an article from ESPN, it sounds to me like the National Anthem stuck around because of the fact that it drew a larger crowd. So if you’re like me you’re asking yourself is it because people liked it, singing a song that made people feel unified; or is it because the MLB wanted more money due to ticket sales?

Since I’m doing this, the NFL was founded in 1920 in the state of Ohio.

Onto another point which will lead into my main point…

I’m part of a group on Facebook where all its members listen to the same podcast out of Seattle. Most of these members are from the Seattle area, and by the Seattle area I’m talking about a 50 mile radius around the city of. Some of the other members used to live Washington but since then moved away to other states such as Nebraska, like I used to; Iowa, Arkansas, Oregon, California, Arizona, Nevada, so on and so forth. The ongoing motto of the podcast is to ‘stay positive’ and we all seem to not only joke around and have fun, but show support for other members regardless of political or religious differences, and this environment creates very few arguments.

A few days ago, one of the most known members of this group shared an article from Sports Illustrated about how Michael Bennett of the Seattle Seahawks did not stand for the National Anthem. This post has generated 67 comments over the span of 3 days, many of those comments having subcomments. I even have a few comments on said post, and even though I was not trying to fight with anyone; it just…there was a reason to even though I think I stayed pretty neutral.

So let’s jump back, or forward, to eating breakfast at my parents house, I got into a discussion with my dad; my family always yells at one another even if we are not fighting. From the conversation I found out that my parents also have arguments with my dad’s sister-in-law; the wife of one of his two brothers, or two of his three nephew’s; the three sons of one of my dads five sisters. I found this out just based on hearing my mom say, “Just shut up Bill, you’re talking to a brick wall; it’s just going to be like talking to Dan or Becky.”

These family members are from Nebraska and never lived outside of the Midwest, they never lived in parts of the country that tend to be more democratic based on population size and how different one person is than the other and the idea that you have to learn how to coexist on a rock that is floating, in a pattern, though space.

My dad thinks that our current President, Donald Trump, is a fucking idiot; well hey, I do too! Even though he is a republican he is more moderate than he may think, he is not one of those 33% that live in the Midwest and thinks everything Donald Trump does is a gift from God.

At one point during the fight I got my dad to say, even though he kinda disagreed with me, “Yes, he has that right, and I will fight for that right,” my dad used to be a Marine, “But I still think it is disrespectful. But you’re right Daniel, I would not want to live in a country that forced its citizen to sit or stand.”

My mom thought me and my dad were fighting, but no, we were just yelling at one another. We didn’t really start fighting until he asked me, “Why did he sit, what was his reasoning?”

I quickly, without a thought, replied by saying, “He sat due to something that he thinks is a injustice, the mistreatment of black people.”

From there the conversation kinda ended, I kept saying “Okay,” at one point just to avoid a fight.

I get my use of metaphors from my dad and for whatever fucking reason he was comparing black people to tigers saying, “You’re right, police need to be better but at the same time I can’t really blame them; when you deal with tigers attacking people everyday and then you find a tiger you’re going to be on edge expecting it to attack you.”

This is kinda where I zoned out and started saying, “Okay.”

My mom ended the conversation when I said, “God dammit dad, he didn’t approach a tiger, he approached a god damn domesticated house cat who told the officer that he was getting his wallet out of his back pocket; and he fucking got shot!”

So with the idea of this posting on Facebook and the conversation that I just had with my dad, on top of the conversation that I had last week I ended up with a thought in my head as I was driving south on I-5.

“What if I didn’t stand for the National Anthem? Would it be assumed that I can’t because I’m in a wheelchair? How would they know that I was choosing not to stand, is it just because they assume that I can’t? What if I wanted to raise awareness because people who are physically disabled have a extremely difficult time finding employment. What if? Would people even be talking about it?”

We have laws in place, I know this, a place of employment can not legally discriminate against me, but you know what? It happens! Do a large majority of people believe me when I tell them that finding a job when you’re physically disabled is extremely difficult? No.

All of the discrimination is unintentional, it’s not like the hiring manager is going around and telling me I’m less then a human because I’m in a wheelchair.

But guess what employers? We feel that way even though you don’t have any intention of doing so, and maybe you do, maybe you are an asshole; but there are ways around that law, some of you know this and you are an asshole, some of you just say no based on this or that but either way you still make handicapped people feel pretty god damn useless.

So because of the idea that I can’t speak on your perspective, lets throw myself under the buss.

In high school, even though I could walk at the time, I was still disabled; my disability is not going away. Unless they come out with a cure, which they were supposed to happen ten years ago. Regardless I was in a wheelchair at that time and my education was based on the field of science and technology, engineering to be more specific.

During my sophomore year of high school I took a drafting class, that as you would expect started out using things like pencils, paper, table, t-squares, triangles, scales, eraser shields, so on and so forth. That then moved into AutoCAD. In my junior year I moved high schools and more or less ended up taking the same class with a different name. For my senior year of high school I could not take the same class over again, so I more or less ended up being a teachers assistant in the same class that I took the year prior.

At one point I got yelled at by my teacher saying, “You’re supposed to be helping these kids, not doing their work for them.” I’m sorry, most of these kids were taking this class because, “It’s an easy A man,” and when you’re trying to explain to a kid to type ‘@34.25<270’ and they act like you’re talking a foreign language it’s easy to just be like “Here, I’ll show you,” but then you get trapped in a moment of, “I’ll just do it for you, because I don’t want to get pissed because you can’t.”

After graduation I went to college and obtained my Associates in Mechanical Engineering Design. I spent two and a half years in a land of…taking my son to daycare, going to school where I studied mechanical blueprints, trig, geometry, physics; for 8 hours a day, picking my kid up from daycare, and then being yelled at my his mom.

I have extensive knowledge in blueprint design, I can’t necessarily tell you how to build a bridge that is supposed to hold 100 tons, and I might have to brush up if you ask me, “If I have a truck that weights 2,000 pounds and is going 40 miles per hour up a hill with friction and a 35% incline and I’m towing a 2,000 pound boat how much will it slow me down and how long will it take for me to get to the top of the hill that is in another 50 feet.”

After that I started a job that was not an engineering type job, but was related in the field of such and gave me experience in the manufacturing/production environment. I held onto that job for 5 years before I was transferred to Seattle and realized that the drive was too much and I could not do it anymore.

While I was employed at that job I went to school…again, got my second Associates in Machining and Manufacturing Technologies, my main goal of getting that degree was to become a CNC Programmer, but then you got the idea that the vast majority of employers will not hire a CNC programmer if said person was not a CNC operator beforehand. That was the beginning of my downfall with that company, I more or less started a job that I could not physically do at the speed that they were asking, and they kept asking me to speed up so much that I got into this mode of doing stupid shit, scraping parts, and asking a ton of questions that I already knew.

And my walking has became worse since that point in time, so while I may not be able to run the machine I can tell you how to setup the machine, load the program, set the Z, set the offset, how to takedown, and I can even tell you what N76G01Z-0.625F1 means.

But does that matter to employers? No. Because my job as a CNC operator was a failure, why? I don’t know if they care. On paper they see this, they don’t care if I know how to program the part being made, the history tells them differently. And I don’t want a job in CNC anything, I’ve done that before, don’t want to do it again.

I’d rather produce a 3D model based on a customers 2D blueprint and hand it to the machinist and say, “Make this shit.”

Then you got the idea that people make assumptions. And that is the downside of being in a wheelchair. You don’t know what I can or can not do, and it’s illegal for you to even ask.

Part of me blames America too, where the fuck do you get the idea that I’m going to sue your company because I fell down or whatever? Oh yea, people do that; but I’m not an asshole. Do you know that? If you give me a job and I stand up with the idea that I might fall over and I do fall over, that is on me, it’s my fault. Now, I’ll sue you if you made me stand up, but if I could do the job without standing up, and I make the personal decision to stand up; I’m not going to sue you because I made the choice to and fell down.

But does it happen? Yes, people sue people over stupid shit all the time. Look at out president, cough cough.

The thing that pisses me off about that is…the negative stereotype plays a lot into your assumption. And while you sit there making assumptions about things that you don’t know or even understand; I’m sitting here being depressed day in and day out because you’re not the only one making those assumptions, everyone else is too. While you sit there I’m taking money out of your pocket, and sure you could sit there and say, “You fucking lazy bastard, stop taking my tax money,” but that’s your fault, it’s your fault that your paying me just to live.

It’s not like I’m not trying to find a job, it’s that all you fuckers make assumption that…you can’t legally make, but can you? And do you? You can make up reasons not to hire someone, sometimes you don’t even need to make shit up. There are a lot, a lot of jobs that I can’t physically do, I get that, but I’m not trying to apply as a patrol officer either.

You’re legally supposed to provide accommodations, but that is a slippery slope and I don’t think people understand that. A chair, fine, if you have to spend $20 on a chair so I can sit, fine you figure I can make that money back within X amount of time. But if you assume, and what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of you and me. When you assume that you need to spend more then it costs to employ me, you wont employ me. And we come back to the negative stereotype that surrounds people in wheelchairs.

Do you know me? Do you know what I can do? Oh that’s right, you can’t ask.

After that job I was giving an under the job table helping my dad. At that time my father was the senior design engineer at a company in Nebraska, and that is why I moved back to Nebraska in the first place. My dad did not know how to use Solidworks, but he knew that I did, he also knew my educational background; based upon that he gave me a job that I could do from home, a job that I could start at three in the afternoon and do until four in the morning if I wanted to.

I talked about this in a previous post, but to summarize it I moved back to Nebraska to take a job at said company. My dad only took the job because they promised to give me a job. By the time I moved back the government shutdown was in high gear, the job never happened, and every time my dad mentioned my name to his boss, he boss would straight up walk away and act like I didn’t exist.

And that is why my dad quit his job and moved back to Washington State to take his old job.

But when he moved we had reason to stay, so we more or less end up staying in Nebraska for another three years. During that time I was lucky and found a job, that hired me after saying that they wouldn’t.

When I started working there I’ve heard a few times that I did a good job and they were happy that they gave me a job, which to be honest only made me feel like I was negatively stereotyped during my initial interview.

I kept that job for a year and a half before I was laid off due to a loss in customer base. During my employment there I ended up turning 2D blueprints into 3D models and then doing the reverse.

I spent my life focused on this, mainly because I knew I had to get a job that I could do from a desk. But the vast majority of the time, these people have worked on the floor for several years. Can I work on the production floor? Then we get back to my first job. Can I work on the floor? Yea, depending on the job. Do you assume that I can work on the floor? Most manufacturing jobs would make you assume that I can’t. Sadly, a lot of them are set up that way and they don’t even bother to ask if they could provide reasonable accommodations unless I have a golden penis that cums one hundred dollar bills.

After I got laid off from my last job…we were planning on moving to Oregon the year before, and due to her job and my job, the decision to stay in Nebraska was made about two weeks prior to me finding out that I was laid off.

So I found myself staying in Nebraska for another year without a job. At this point, I knew from previous occasions how hard it was to find a job. What do I do? I call social security to go back onto disability, and that, that was the most stressful month of my life. I didn’t know if I was going to receive money again by the time my rent was due. I didn’t get any word from anyone about anything. I just sat there worried until money popped into my account without any notification.

I was trying to find a job. Under the rules of Social Security I can work part time for under X amount of money per month, in gross pay, and Social Security still gives me something.

But are you aware how hard it is to find a job, yet alone a part time job when people assume you can’t physically do the job that you’re applying for?

I lived in Lincoln, NE at the time so let assume that there are 250,000 jobs and at the time the unemployment rate was 4.8%, so by doing simple math 12,000 jobs. If you figure that half of those jobs are part-time that take your 12,000 down to 6,000. Then you take into account that I can’t work fast food, I can’t stock shelf’s, I have no customer experience experience, what can I do? That takes the number 6,000 down to about 600. Then you got to account for all the people that can either physically do shit or have better qualifications.

Do you know how much Social Security Disability pays? Do you even care? I assume it’s different for everyone. Let’s assume that you have a full time job that pays you $11.87 an hour, sounds good right, a gross pay of $1,900 a mouth; not great, but that is livable for most poor people; and fuck, there are a lot of poor people in this country. If your monthly gross is $1,900 your take home pay is roughly $1,463; that goes to say that every other Friday you’re taking home $731.50.

Now take that number and instead of getting it every 15 days, you get it every 30 days. How the fuck are you supposed to live on that? Now of days a good 95% of the apartments charge rent over $731.50, so I can’t even pay rent; much less car insurance, car payment, gas for said car, cell phone; what do you expect me to do, get a land line…it’s 2017 people.

So, I need a job, I want a job, do you know how depressing it is to sit here and eat food, go to the store, play Fallout 4, or write a 3,365+ word blog post? I want to feel like I’m contributing to society somehow. Not only that, but fuck, I don’t want to live with my fiances parents either.

That’s easy Dan, change career paths. It’s not that easy! What the hell do I do? My life is surrounded around the idea of engineering, and yes; there are more things I can learn, but still. It’s not like I’m going to take a job that I can’t even do.

So if I was in the situation where millions of people could witness me sit down for the national anthem is it okay just because you assume that I can’t stand? If I made the choice to sit would you know that I’m sitting based on the fact that I’m already sitting and you assume that I can’t stand?

If I wanted to use that as a vehicle to raise awareness to an issue that I deem is an injustice would people even be talking about it?

I used this metaphor once, and I’m going to use it again. That’s the problem Colin Kaepernick is dealing with; it’s like he used a 1998 Toyota Super as a vehicle to raise awareness about how cars don’t get enough gas mileage, and the vehicle worked; it made people all around the country talk. But a year later people are still fighting over the type of vehicle that he used and instead of getting engineers involved to figure out how to reduce gas mileage you got a bunch of people arguing about muscle cars, SUVs, trucks, vans; and why that vehicle is better. Everyone, or most, forgot what the fucking issue was about.

So if I sit during the National Anthem would people care? Would they make an issue about it?

Disabled people, in 1990 the A.D.A. was formed and did a lot to protect us, but does it do enough? There are ways to get around it, and employers use them all the time rather they intend to or not. Discrimination against disabled people happens everyday, might even happen right in front of your face; and you don’t even know.

Perspective; when is the last time you saw someone and thought, “I wonder what their life is like, and if I was faced with the same issues could I overcome it?”

I’ll end this post by asking a very basic question. In this country we have the 1st amendment; that being said we have the freedom to sit or stand for the flag and that same freedom grantees that no one is going to force you do to what they think you should do. Some people might say, “Yea, well standing for the flag is a sign of respect.” You know what, you’re right; but at the same time exercising your right to make a choice on the matter, is also a sign of respect.

Sit or stand, I don’t care, do whatever makes you happy; but think about what you’re saying before you say, “That’s disrespectful.” Is it?

You have that freedom, is it not respect to choose either of the two based on the fact that “they” gave you the freedom to make that choice?

 

 

 

 

 

Proud of Thy Self.

Okay, so before I get into this let me give you a little background. I used to have a job located in Auburn, WA. During my employment there I had a coworker who became someone who I had to train, this individual frustrated the fuck out of me.

To this day I remember the day he tried to take a pad off of a die grinder without holding the shaft stationary. It was like he was trying to unscrew a nut from a bolt without holding the bolt, so all he was doing was turning a object in circles and not making any progress other than looking like an idiot who probably shouldn’t have that job in the first place.

I also had another coworker, who I talked to, but didn’t really care to hang out with.

Throughout the years the second coworker, who no longer lived in the same state as me found me on Facebook just based on the fact that he and I liked the same radio station/Facebook page. He commented on one of my posts on their page, it caught me off guard but was cool nonetheless.

Getting back to the first employee I mentioned, on the day I said, “If he doesn’t want to pay attention and at least pretend that he is learning something, I’m not going to try to teach him anything.” I said it in anger, and I probably shouldn’t have, he was a nice kid who was more than willing to do his job, but didn’t seem to grasp at the most basic idea.

This guy is Facebook friends with the other guy. After I stopped caring to try to teach him and just told him shit without any explanation they moved him to the other side of the shop; same department, different area. So guy 2 ended up training guy 1 and therefore ended up as friends on Facebook.

I typically never add coworkers to Facebook until I don’t work with them, I don’t want them to know too much about me.

As soon as guy 2 found me on Facebook, I get a friend request from guy 1. Whatever, I don’t care, it’s not like I’m trying to avoid him. And I come to find out that he now lives in Oregon, and at that time I was about 1 year away from moving to Oregon.

Fast forward to August 5th, 2017; I share something on Facebook about how it’s cool if you rape someone, kill someone, get in a fight the requires police action, hit your wife, or do copious amounts of drugs when you’re in the NFL  but if you sit down you’re the worst player in the history of the NFL.

So…A conversation with guy 1 came out of the woodwork, we will call guy 1 ‘Steve.’ While it was a fairly short conversation, I was proud of myself for being so clear and concise with my way of thinking. I will refer to myself in the third person, kind of. I will even edit his comments to appear as is he knows how to use words properly.

Steve: This post is so stupid. So you’re okay with people in America not standing for our flag that your founding fathers fought for?

If you’re a fan of the NFL, you know what I’m talking about so I’m not even going to share the picture. But if for some reason you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll let you know if you ask.

Daniel:Yes.

Like…really, you’re going to ask me that? After the initial “what the fuck” moment I added onto it by saying…

Daniel: Since when did they not have the right to choose not to stand?

Which sounds kinda weird because, I feel like, the word ‘not’ creates a double negative.

Steve: If they are living in the U.S.A., playing an American sport, they should show their respect to our country and its military.

Okay, so I wasn’t really going to fight him there, that…while related that was not my focus, but I was getting ready to go this road if that is where he wanted to go.

So I asked a basic question.

Daniel: Do they have to?

I figured, if you’re going to go down the route let’s try to figure out why you’re not okay with it.

I leaned that when you talk to someone who has an opposing view to yours it’s a good thing to find out where they are coming from. Hopefully force them to look at themselves instead of just telling them why they are wrong.

Steve:No body has to do anything but people have the right to lose respect for that person who won’t even show respect to their country

He more or less said what I was hoping he would, but man…a right and a freedom are two different things. While I can see a connection between to two it’s not like they stood up in 1776 and say, “Now hear this, it is your right as an American citizen to loose respect for people.”

But that did make me take the question to its next logical point.

Daniel: And the other crimes are okay?

To which he responded just as I hoped.

Steve: No they are not okay, look at O.J. and Arron Hernandez; they are in prison and because of it don’t have fans anymore.

At this point I asked myself if he knew what was going on it the world but that is beside the point.

I go onto say…

Daniel:Okay, so yes, while people have the freedom to dislike whoever, for whatever; it is massively skewed. He has the freedom to not stand because of what he deems to be an injustice. It just bothers me when all these people loose their shit because he remained within the guidelines of the law without being violent or hostel while trying to shine light on an issue that needed more exposure.

Before he could reply to that I said… But in terms of keeping the conversation in-line he said…

Steve: There are other ways to shine light. I just think it’s very disrespectful to our country and our men, they fought for our country so he can play football and he won’t even stand and show respect.

But before I replied to that I said…

Daniel: Now, if you stand for a country who is doing something that you don’t agree with, is that freedom of speech or expression? Who is the fucked up person in that situation?

I was not expecting a response from that, I just left it as something he can ponder. But I did reply to his last statement by saying…

Daniel: They fought for you to have freedom, the freedom not to.

He ended up liking that comment. I could tell he wasn’t trying to fight, neither was I.

Steve: That’s true. I just feel it’s a matter of respect.

Okay, so I took that, his definition of respect a little bit further. It was also my last comment.

Daniel: Okay, so…choosing to act in a non-violent manner about something that you disagree with is a sign of respect. Choosing to not stand is a sign of respect. They, if you want to call it that, they fought for…I could totally do a research paper on why we separated from Britain. Regardless, not standing; which is your freedom based upon a right that all American citizens have, is…showing respect. 

You have the freedom to, therefore exercising that freedom is showing respect for your country. A country and “the men” who gave you that freedom, the freedom to make a choice without being killed and vilified for doing so.

Now, blindly standing because it was beaten into your head as a kid… does that show me that you fully understand the freedom that you and all Americans have?

Are they standing because they choose to or because they were told to? And is that freedom?

And that’s that, I was actually proud that I was able to speak my point of view without sounding like an idiot who was just shouting meaningless words. And…now I’m going to go get out of my wheelchair and play Fallout 4.

Maybe I’ll get a little “some some” if I go hang out with my fiance for a few minutes.

Your Handicapped Perspective of the Day

Yesterday I went to the store to buy my fiance a card and roses; partly because it was sweet just to do it, and partly because I needed to offer an apology for the events that took place the night before.

At this point you might say, “What did you do?” It does not matter, it’s not the point of this post; but just to satisfy your curiosity I got too drunk and ended up throwing up on the carpet.

I’m one of those people in a wheelchair who actually goes outside and does shit. Like I’m known do to. I went to the store and after picking out what I wanted to buy I realized that I left my wallet at home, so I put the items on hold to go home and get my wallet.

Which more or less means that I already put my wheelchair in my car, but now I got to transfer it two more times then I wanted to. So at this point I would have to put in/take out my wheelchair a total of six times.

Can I do it? Yes? I don’t mind doing it. The only reason I don’t want to is because it adds about 20 minutes to my trip that was not supposed to take that long in the first place.

It was a nice day yesterday in southeast Nebraska. Sunny and warm, but not that humid; kind of reminded me of Washington Summer’s in a weird way. When I came home to get my wallet I had the task of getting out of my driver seat, using the side of the car to help me walk to the trunk, taking my wheelchair out and assembling it, going up the ramp into my house; and by the time I got my wallet I had to do all of those steps in the reverse order.

I get home, I got to the back of my car, took out and assembled my chair. Just as I sat in my chair and wheeled myself over to the ramp that takes me to the front door of my house and I hear, “Do you need any help sir,” to which I said, “No.”

This guy sounded like he was offended that I said, “No.” Look man, I’m doing something that I do many times a day. If I had that much trouble getting into my own house don’t you think I would live somewhere else?

I’m very active, as far as someone in a manual wheelchair is considered. I hear, “Do you need any help,” more times in a week than most people do in a year.

I understand that you want to be nice, as part of me appreciates that you want to be nice. The other part of me however hears that so much that it gets annoying and makes me think that you’re someone who assumes that those of us in wheelchairs are not independent and clearly can’t do anything by ourself’s.

I do this many times a day, I don’t need your help; and for you to assume that I need help with one of the simplest tasks that I do on a daily basis just makes me think that you’re an asshole who just wants to feel better.

Don’t you think if I needed help I’d be like, “Hey, can you help me please,” versus just getting unprovoked help that might not be needed in the first place?

That’s like me being somewhere and asking you if you need help walking. The first time it happens you might just think they’re weird for asking such an odd question, in my case you might even expect it; but being asked that multiple times a day is rather annoying.

If I needed help I’d ask. I much rather ask then having people assume.