Whoa Man, Did You See That Man!


I’m in the mood to tell you a story, a story that once happened to me; it might not be a gripping story, but a story nonetheless.  And it lets me practice using words to describe a story that makes the reader feel like he or she is there. One morning I was bored, so I was re-reading my own blog and I came to two different conclusions: When I’m typing something for awhile I’m bound to make an error in spelling and/or grammar, which sucks. And my stories, some of them are kind of entertaining, I hope; I was there, you weren’t…so your perspective is not the same as mine.

As most of you know by now a video came came out, Fallout 4…I like to play it, and spend a lot of time doing so, So much that I have yet to beat it or even take advantage of the DLC’s. I’ve downloaded Nuka-Cola the day it came out, have I played it yet? No. Why? Because I’m too worried about making sure all my settlements are built up.

I more or less spend too much time doing all the extra shit, not playing the main story line.

Anyhow this game has a system of scraping junk that you can turn into building material. One of the many things that you can scrap is a board game, a board game called Blast Radius. And this is where the idea of this story came from.

This actually happened to me, just because the video game reminded me of it, didn’t mean I’m making it up.

At the time in my life, if you read my other posts you might know some of this already, if you haven’t…Matt Hasselbeck was still a quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks and I lived in a town called Puyallup. My friend Marcus lived with me, he had a girlfriend; the two of them were popular and liked parties, because of this it was not uncommon to walk into my apartment and see twenty people walking around talking to one another even though two people lived there.

Marcus was…I don’t know if you would call him Mexican, because he wasn’t. He was born in America with a mom who has German roots and a father who he never met…from what I was told he was a guy from Mexico.  This gave Marcus that dark skin look as he stood around five feet six inches and was about two hundred pounds. He had six piecing in his face, more often then not those holes were taken up by alternative looking jewelry. Something that you could buy at Hot Topic, seven to eight years ago before the store became all “preppy hippsterish”

Two in each ear, the one in back being a larger gage then the one in the front. One in his tongue and one in that spot above your chin but under you mouth, he often liked to wear a curved piece of sliver jewelry in that piecing. Something that came out of his face and came to a point as it made a U shape as it ended under his chin.

He would often rock a mohawk too…which was not that often in all reality, but when he did his hair was dyed some unnatural color, such as blue and the mohawk was held up a foot over his hear with Elmer’s glue as it was separated into several spikes that were all perpendicular from the top of his head.

His girlfriend on the other hand, his girlfriend at the time was pretty cute. She was bigger then most girls that Marcus went after in the past. Which shocked me. She was not fat by any means, at least not according to most people. One day we were having a conversation and I said, “You got to love them, who cares if they look like they were in Playboy; you’re not trying to make other men look at her and be jealous of you, you’re trying to be happy.” Marcus somehow got into the idea that a chick standing at five foot three and weighting 150 pounds was fat. “Who cares if she has a stomach, all girls do; you shouldn’t be asking yourself if he thinks she is hot, you should be asking yourself if she makes you happy.”

She was about five foot two and came in at about one hundred and forty pounds with blond hair and blue eyes, which I found super attractive until she started trying to change the rules in my house and…Marcus was “pussy-whipped,” so anything she said was how it was. I just moved out shorty after.

My best friend Eric still lived in the same house around the block from my parents, but I was now in an apartment with a roommate. He hung out at our house a lot of the time.

Eric was your typical white boy with a drinking problem. Eric stood around five foot eight and at the time weighted about one hundred and thirty pounds. There was nothing too special about him, just picture a white dude with brown hair and blue eyes.

My other friend, from pretty much the entire time that I lived in Washington, was this guy named Dmitry. Dmitry worked out a lot and was the typical strong dude that all the women wanted to sleep with, and according to what I’ve heard from a few women he is not that tiny either. Dmitry moved to America from Lithuania, USSR at the time, in the early 90’s. His first English word(s) were, “Shut up,” which I find funny when he told me he started school and the teacher would be telling him to do something and all he did was say, “Shut up.” 

He even thought me how to say, “Bitch ass,” in Russian, which was great when you’re a kid in ninth grade.

Dmitry is about five foot eleven and one hundred eighty pounds with enough arm muscles that you would assume he can pull a car with a rope. He has blue eyes and blond hair, but now a days shaves it all off making him bald. Every now and then rocking a goatee, which is weird because it comes out red. He is also that one friend, that one friend that smokes pot every two hours on the hour.

Which I feel bad for…the second time I smoked pot was his first time smoking pot, which is another different story if I remember to write it. A year later you came to find out that he would smoke the same about of pot in 30 days ad it took me to smoke is 365 days.

My apartment manager, Marilyn, lived right next to me, she had a grand-son named Ryan who also hung out at out apartment more often then not. Ryan was the youngest of us, he was super skinny at one hundred and fifteen pounds with long brown hair, down to his shoulders. He loved rock music for the eighties and at the same time loved music that was in the same genre as Slipknot, Mudvayne, or Trivum.

He often looked like he was in a mid 90’s grunge music video. Which to be honest didn’t fall too far out of reality when you stop and think that Seattle was just a 50 mile drive north of us.

It was a rainy night, like most nights in Western Washington. I had the downstairs apartment. There were four apartments per building, and these apartment were built in the early sixties so the kitchen was practically the same size as the family room. If you went into the family room you would get to the back door. This door went out onto a massive patio that was more or less blocked off from anything.

The patio was a good twelve feet long and thirty feet wide, this is where we had a pool table and a ton of plastic chairs for all the smokers, which was 90% of most parties we had. When you went outside at looked straight you saw a hill, you were on the bottom of that hill, so that was blockage. There was also a wooden fence separating my backyard from Marilyn’s backyard, the fence went from the apartment to the hill, witch was only about twenty-five feet. Opposite of that, on the other side of the lawn was another wooden fence, this one only went from the side of the apartment to the end of the patio before getting to another hill that dropped about five feet into the parking lot.

Because of the fact that I was one the first floor the balcony of the apart above me, that was the same size, covered my entire patio. So even if it was raining, we were not it in.

That night we had about seven people in the family room smoking pot or drinking beer, seven people outside playing pool, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer. Emily on the computer being a YouTube/music DJ. Ryan, Dmitry, Eric, and I were sitting on the kitchen floor drinking beer and passing around a glass bong because Eric got the ingenious idea to play quarters.

Dmitry is one of my only friends that like Heineken, I’ll drink it and all; but like most of my friends I stuck with PBR, Rainier, MGD, Budwiser, Blue Moon, or even Icehouse.

We’re sitting there bouncing quarters against the kitchen floor trying to get it to land in the glass cup of beer. Rap music is being played, rap music from the early 2000’s, every now and then being switched to heavy metal upon Ryan’s request or country upon Eric’s request, but no one at the party was happy when country came on. Every now and then Donavin would run inside to play some Flogging Molly.

I was exhaling pot smoke, Eric was drinking his beer, and Ryan was talking about ghosts as Dmitry stood up to go get another beer. As he stood up he and took a short walk to the refrigerator he also bent down to grab his empty beer bottle that he sat on the edge of the counter.

After grabbing a new beer Marcus pops in to yell, “Hey Dema grab me a beer.” As he swung around with a beer in each hand he also hits the empty beer bottle with his arm which sends it flying towards the middle of the kitchen, where no one was sitting.

Because of the material that was tiled on the bottom of my kitchen floor there was almost no traction if you were to slide a glass bottle from side to side.

At this point in the night I was feeling pretty good, and say weird shit; it gets my point across, but…it still sounds weird because I either start talking and forget what I’m talking about as I turn it into a short story about Rainbows being different colors or I can’t find the word I’m looking for so I substitute it with something else.

I’m was now blowing smoke out as I’m watching this empty beer bottle fly thought the air in slow motion as the music being played is going at regular speed.

The bottle speeds up and crashes into the ground and upon impact shards of green glass slide each way and some of them even slide out direction. To someone else it just looked like a glass breaking and sliding all over the floor.

I’m sitting there as all my friends stand up and look like a major catastrophic event just took place and they all look at me, still sitting on the floor looking at the wall like I just made some type of profound scientific discovery. As I say “Woah man, did you see that fucking blast radius.”

And of course they laughed at me before Eric sad, “I love you man.”




The Fictional Dirt: Part III


It has been a few weeks now. Other than my mom and dad working all the time to afford this house and everything else they like to do, nothing has been going on; nothing of much importance anyways. However my life just got interesting in a good way, I was laying in bed a few nights ago and Sara texted me! She has been sending me a few texts here and there, mostly unimportant shit like where the vacuum cleaner is, or what my sisters favorite food is.

I guess that she has started cleaning the house too, like more than you would expect a babysitter to do, she even got a raise because of it, which I didn’t know until she started flirting with me.

There I was, laying in bed wearing nothing but boxers, reading up on some type of car that came into the shop at school; it was a 1997 Toyota Supra and I just wanted to read about other Supra’s, maybe get some ideas here and there.

My phone was the only source of light that night as I lay in my bed that night looking up the specs of a car that I was going to start working on in a few days. All of a sudden my a new window pops up on my phone, the screen reads ‘Sara’ in big letters above smaller words that read ‘text message’. It would normally read the phone number, but I programmed her into my phone ever since she sent me a message asking some random question about Lisa.

“Hey, what are you up to,” I didn’t really know what to say, I was not doing anything important and it took me by surprise, I was surprised  that Sara was not asking some question about my parents, my sister, or cleaning products.

“Nothing much really, just laying in bed looking up some shit about a car I’ll be working on in a few days,” What else could I have said at that moment, it was the truth. It’s not like I’m going to tell her that I’m laying in bed in my boxers watching porn, even though I was a few minutes prior.

More often than not when you do that girls just fucking stop talking to you, and I was happy she was talking to me, it actually made my dick hard, but only a little; but I can’t tell her that, I don’t want to push it.

“What type of car are you looking at?”

“A Toyota Supra”

“Cool,” It sounded like such an automated response that I could only assume that she didn’t know what type of car that was and therefore must not care, but it was kind of attractive that she was pretending to care.

“You ever seen The Fast and The Furious?”

“Yea, like a few weeks after it came out”

“How old were you then?”


“No, not that one. The first one”

“Oh ummm yea, I don’t know. My dad took me to see it when I was like 7 years old or something”

I was only 8 at the time, so I get it; but I’m into cars so I saw it a few dozen times and I don’t really care if people say it’s a shitty movie, I like it man.

“Do you remember the orange car that he brought at the junkyard?”

“No, not really, I remember a black car, and that’s only because my dad was having an orgasm in his pants over it.”

“Do you remember him saying something along the lines of there is no way in hell the lawn mower with a turbo can beat that classic muscle car?”

“Yeah, but I was so young it didn’t really mean anything to me, just my dad being crazy.”

At that point I hit the home button to go to the main screen and immediately opened Google, typing ‘Supra Fast and’ into the search bar; and just like Google is known to do it already gave me the option of what I was looking for. I tap my thump on the search and filter the results by images, without looking too hard I found the picture of that Supra and saved it to my phone just so I could send it to Sara.

“Ohhh, that car.”

“Yep, I’ll be working on that car in a few days.”

A brief pause goes by, long enough that I can assume that she doesn’t know what to say. In an attempt to fill the silence I go onto type, “Well not that car, but one like it.”

“That is cool.”

The conversation just came to a stand still and neither of us knew what to say. So I just continued with what I was doing before she texted me. A few minutes go by and nothing is said by either of us, the only thing I could think to say would either sound really perverted or really basic like the weather or something.”

“Hey,” she said out of nowhere.

“What’s up”

“You should send me a picture of you.”

I’m going though my phone, trying to find a photo of me. I don’t keep many pictures of myself saved onto my phone. So I did the only thing I could think of, I went onto Facebook and saved my profile picture to my phone just to send it to her.

“You’re silly.”


“I want to see a picture of you now.”

“My lights off and I’m practically naked.”


“That’s kinda weird”


“Because I’m naked”


A short pause goes by when she continues to say, “You’re wearing boxers aren’t you.”

“Yes I am, but I still don’t want to show you.”

“You’re cute though, and you already saw me in my blue bikini; which not a lot of men get to do.

I reached over to turn on my lamp and turn my phone onto it’s camera. I try the best to get a picture of the tattoo going down my arm, being that I was using that hand to cover my junk, granted they were under my boxers, but I wanted to be somewhat modest.

It takes my phone awhile to send pictures, so while it was doing its thing I started a new conversation by saying, “I sent it, but it might take awhile.”

“It didn’t with the others.”

I technically did not send the picture at this point but I had to make up some kind of excuse of why it would take awhile, “Those were downloaded from the internet though, for some reason the pictures that I physically take with my phone take a bit.”

Out of nowhere came a new message, one that came out of left field, “Guess what I did today?”


“You’re parents gave me a raise a few days ago because I have been cleaning the house on my down time.”

“That is awesome, did you buy something?”

“Yes, I even took pictures”

“What did you buy?”

After a short wait I got a picture of her standing in a dressing room with her everyday clothes on staring into a mirror that was only reflecting into another mirror behind her creating that endless hallway effect. There she was, standing there looking as innocent as ever with a naughty intention in her facial expression.

She was wearing a jean skirt with a tanktop that was almost skin tight, but did seem to have some amount of slack to it, I could see her black bra straps going over each shoulder, her tanktop straps were not think enough to cover them.

She was looking into the mirror with a look on her face as if she was about to do something that her mom didn’t raise her to do. She was holding up a clothes hanger with a new bikini, this one was red and appeared to be smaller then the last bikini I saw her in. Carefully placed in the other hand was a new set of lase lingerie colored a dark red with thin black accents that ran up and down, it was complete with thin black stockings that must have went past her knees.

“I bought a new bikini, I just happened to get some new bra and panties too”.

Just hearing her say that on top of receiving the picture was filling my dick with blood so fast that it was like a clown was blowing up a balloon. As fast as I could I found the picture of me and attached it before pressing send.

She got it right away, “Oh, that is hot, why are you covering your cock?”

“Because I expected this to be a tamer conversation.”

“What are you doing now.”

“Well, I just took slid my boxers down and my dick is pretty hard.”

“I’d love to see your cock.”


The next message I get is another picture, this time she is slightly bent over with her tank top straps off of her shoulders and her panties slid around her knees showing darkness if you were to try to look up her skirt.

“Aren’t you supposed to be trying clothes on in a dressing room?”

“Yes, but you got to take them off before you can put them on.”

“You want to know a secret?”

“Yes, but first you got to tell me if you want to see me in the bikini or the bra and panties.”

“I already saw you in a bikini, I’d love to see you in a bra and panties.”

I got another picture after she asked that question, this time she was looking in one mirror holding her shirt up just underneath her boobs while she was covering her pussy with her other hand as she stuck her bubble shaped ass in the mirror that was behind her. Which I’m assuming was the focal point.

“Oh God, my dick is so hard right now.”

“Can I see it?”

“You know that time I came home for lunch and you were in the blue bikini?”

“Yes, I remember that day well.”

“Do you remember when I went to the bathroom.”

A short pause took place, I wanted to see her reaction, but there wasn’t one until I continued with, “I was not going to the bathroom.”

“Oh yea.”

“I was standing in front of the sink with a hard cock and my pants around my ankles.”

“Oh really?” The way she said it could make me assume that she knew what I was doing in the bathroom without me telling her. “I was hoping you would catch me,” after another short pause I go onto say, “I even left the door open.”

“Well as much as I would have liked to catch you and help you out that would have been an awkward situation to walk in on.”


“What if you didn’t want me to know. I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“I would have loved a handjob from you.”

“Oh honey I would have done more than that. And to be honest it was kind of hot to know that I made you hard.”

The next thing I see on my phone is another picture, this time she was absolutely naked and I could tell that she was not afraid to show me what she had.

She stood with her butt facing the closest mirror to her, she was facing the mirror on the other wall. I don’t know how she was able to get that picture but somehow she was able to place the phone an an angle behind her butt. Which olny gave me a great view of her ass that was so big and perfectly shaped that it looked as if each ass cheek was its own water balloon.

The camera was angled in such a way that you were able to see into the mirror that was in front of her. In the mirror you were able to see her naked body from head to toe with her clothes laying on the ground and a red bikini that was still on the hanger of the wall. Her hand that was free was raised up and bent at the elbow, falling behind her head; holding onto her long locks of blond hair that only made her look that much sexier. From this view I could tell that she shaved her pussy, and to be honest all I was thinking about was how much I would like to stick my tongue in and swirl it around. I could also see her perky breasts that just screamed my name.

Based on what I saw it was either cold in that changing room or she was actually horny.

“That is a really hot picture, you’re making my cock so hard right now.”

“Really? I want to see what it. I don’t know if it is too big for my mouth.”

This made me think of what she was saying before I got the naked picture of her as I was pulling down my boxers to wrap my hand around my hard cock that had so much blood that you would think a doctor would be able to get an entire vile of blood they were to draw blood from my penis. I was laying down on the bed and before I took a picture I thought to myself, “Fuck it, I’ll just take my boxers off.”

My parents and sister were sleeping and have been for about two hours so I was not worried about anyone coming into my room while I had a hard on. I just happened to have a full size mirror in my room that hung on a pivot point in the center. I took my boxers off and walked over to the mirror laying on the ground in front of it.

This way she would be able to see the front and back of my hard dick while she can see my smiling into the mirror with my tattooed arm holding the back of my head upwards looking into the mirror.

“Now what were you saying about not giving me a handjob?”

“Oh I was just implying that I’d get on my knees and slowly run my wet lips up and down the shaft of your cock.”

I laid back in bed and sent her the picture, waiting patiently for a response form her.

“Oh honey, I want your dick so bad.”

This only excited me more than I already was and in the back of my mind I was plotting when I’d come home for lunch next so I could fuck her while my sister was sleeping.

She then sent me another message that said, “You can put that in one of two holes.”

That made me wonder, “Which are?”

I can either suck on it until you cum wherever you please or you can stick it up my wet pussy and watch me bounce up and down on your cock while I moan”

This got me really excited, I couldn’t believe this girl was doing this. I didn’t ask her to, but I had no room to complain about it either. Like, she must have found me super attractive because she is the one the came after me!

“Baby I want you to cum for me.”

After a short pause she goes onto give me a short story.

“You come home for lunch one day and I’m upstairs putting your sister down for a nap.”

This was intriguing me as I lay back in bed with my cock in one hand and my phone in the other.

“By the time I come downstairs you are sitting on the couch watching TV and waiting for your food to heat up”

“And then what”

She sent the next message with some type of authority that was sexy as hell in such a situation.

I then get another picture from her, this one showing her butt from above because she had the camera at an angle above her head and in front of her body. She was looking into the camera as she was biting the side of her lip and holding both boobs up under her arm that was wrapped in front of her.

“What are you doing? Put your hand back on that hard cock and stroke it for me while I talk dirty to you.”

This made me smile but I had to remind her of how hot she was and how hard my dick was

“I know your cock is hard, that is why I want you to cum for me.”

She goes onto tell me a story that she was not able to finish. The story was talking about her coming downstairs completely naked because she liked to walk around a house that was not hers totally naked, it excites her she told me. She goes onto tell me about how she heard the TV and saw me sitting on the couch as she started to come down the stairs, she was a little nervous at first but she wanted to see how I would react. She told me her reasoning for coming downstairs was because she found me super attractive and figured what kind of 19 year old boy doesn’t like a naked women.

When she came down the stairs, according to this story that she was telling, I looked at her with amazement mixed with embarrassment because I did not know how to react.

She sat on the ottoman in front of me and placed both of her hands on my knees with her boobs on full view in front of my face. She could tell something was weird and I was not acting like my normal self so she asked what was wrong. According to her I didn’t know how to react with her fully naked, and in front of me.

Apparently I was also wearing basketball shorts that day and as I looked downwards acting as if I didn’t know if I should look up or not, she said, “Oh, I see,” and with a big smile she finished by asking, “Do you want my help?”

All I did was shrug my solders and said, “I don’t k…”

Before I could finish my sentence she slid her hands up both sides of my legs and wrapped her fingers under my boxers pulling towards her, taking my shorts with.

This was her story, it was unrealistic, but the way she told it and described every detail was beyond sexy and in a weird way gave me a new love for story telling, but that is beside the point.

In this story as soon as she pulled my shorts down to my knees she said, “That is the nicest cock I’ve ever seen.” She then continues to tell me that I should take off my tanktop so it doesn’t get in the way.

She then goes into a way of describing how she would give me a blowjob.

“You know that soft spot under your head on the back of your cock?”


“Well I turn my head to the side and slowly flick in with my tongue as I’m playing with your balls.”

After another 3 minutes of her describing this to me I sent her a short text that said “I just came all over.”

To which she replied by saying, “I wish I was there to lick it off of your bare stomach.”

We spent about another hour or two talking about life, my sister, my parents, her mom and dad, movies, music, and just a bunch of random stuff. Towards the end of the conversation she let me know that she was still wet. And I actually felt kinda bad for not helping her out. At the same time I was thinking about how weird that was, that she can have a 3 hour conversation and be horny the entire time without doing anything about it.

I know I can’t think about anything until I cum, that is just weird to me.

“Well I got school in like a hour now I guess I’ll just take a power nap or something.”

“I’m sorry, did I talk to you too long”

“Yea, kinda; but I enjoyed the hell out of it.”

“I guess you could wake me up in the morning when you get here.”

“No, I would love to, but you know your mom, she’ll think that is weird or something.”

The next thing I get before we say our goodnights is another picture, in this one she was weraring her new bikini that was too small and showed way too much to be worn in public.

“That is super hot, but way too small.”

“I know it hurt to wear.”

“So why did you buy it?”

“I didn’t.”

A short pause goes by and she says, “I just tried it on so I could send you a sexy picture.”

“Well I’m not complaining, but I already saw you naked.”

“I know hun, you can save it in your phone for some other time.”

I was now thinking about what she said that she bought and I go onto say, “What about the bra and panties?”

“Oh I got those.”

“Can I see them?”

“Not yet.”

“What do you mean ‘yet’.”

“Did your mom or dad tell you anything about a vacation?”

“Kind of, but I didn’t think about it until now.”

“Well they are paying me extra to stay there all week and watch over your sister.”

Another short pause goes by followed with, “I guess I’ll have to take care of you too.”

“Well that is super sexy but I’m going to my friends house, I guess my mom doesn’t want me here overnight with a girl.”


“Umm….just look at this conversion. I don’t think she knows you like me, but she knows I’m 19 and I get horny by breathing.”

“Well dammit, find a way to come over for a night or something.”

“Not a problem, my friend is 25 and lives by himself, so I don’t got to play games with parents.”

I continued by saying, “And he is a guy, all I got to say is that some hot chick wants to fuck me and he will be happy to let me go.”

“Those bra and panties you were asking about.”


“They are for one of those nights, I bet they will look good on your floor.”

A Bad Trip

G-Billy-2I don’t remember how I got here. It was dark and musty, I saw beams of light shining thought the rickety wooden walls of the train as it sped down the train tracks like a speeding bullet that was not going anywhere really fast. I looked all around this train car and all I could see was sand bags and dilapidated wooden boxes that looked as if they were assembled by monkeys over one hundred years ago.

After shaking my head, trying to remember how I ended up here, on a train, with my clothes off, I stood up and walked over to the sliding door that was too heavy to open without putting my body weight into it.

The door slid open, light poured into the train car like a pillow of smoke. I looked to my left, I looked to my right; I saw animals that most people do not see on a daily basis. Lions, tigers, and giraffes were running around like they were still wild animals on the hot, empty, desert plans of brown grass that has been overgrown and looked as if it died due to a lack of moisture and too much heat. I could not believe my eyes, how did I end up hear and why was I naked? Like a light bulb that quickly burnt out I was quick to make the assumption that I was somewhere in Africa.

How did I end up here, did I blackout and buy a plane ticket? The last thing I remember was hanging out with some of my drug buddies, somewhere in North America as all five of us sat around a table with firearms, a deck of cards that were scattered all over the white table that has turned into a very dark tan color from all the dust that never got cleaned up. There was an ash tray sitting in the middle of the table with so many cigarette butts in it that a few of the cigarettes were ever overflowing on the table.

We were all drinking beer and taking shots of whiskey as drugs were being passed around the table like as if it was thanksgiving at the local homeless shelter. There was a mirror laying on the table with a rolled up twenty dollar bill and a credit card reflecting back at itself as they sit on top of a white substance that is nothing but residue at this point. Cocaine, meth, and even heroin was laying on top of the table ready to be taken by the highest bidder who didn’t have any money.

I was having fun in my drug induced haze, but I never thought to myself that it would lead me to another continent. How did I end up here? Were my friends keeping an eye on me?

In the middle of my hazy confusion I turned around just to go lay back down. I don’t know where the hell my clothes went, but apparently I had enough sense to bring my cell phone with me. My clothes were not even on the train, where and why did I get naked? But for whatever reason I had my cell phone, it was laying on the floor, right next to where I was sleeping. I don’t even remember falling asleep or being in a place that I could fall asleep.

I was thinking to myself that I better call my friend and tell him so I could start putting the pieces of this puzzle back together. I called one of my friends and there was no answer so I called another one and waited for an answer.

“Hello” my friend said as he answered the phone with a worried tone to his voice.

“Hey man,” before I could finish saying hi to him he quickly cut into the conversation like a hot knife to a stick of butter as he asked, “Where the fuck are you man, me and fucking David have been looking all over town for your ass.”

I was happy that they were looking for me, but was shocked that he was not able to find me? How long was I asleep? How long was I even gone. After being assured that my friends were looking for me I replied by saying, “Man, you’re not got going to believe me when I tell you this.”

The phone conversation went totally silent as I could tell that Sam was just waiting for me to continue. All I could hear was the heavy breathing of my friend as I go onto say, “I’m fucking in Africa man!”

There was nothing on the phone, no words were coming from the other end as I could feel as if my friend did not believe me. The only option I had was to go further by telling him that I was on a train, I had no clothes on, and all I saw were lions and tigers.

“Why the fuck are you naked?”

I laughed in the phone, the kind of laugh the carries a large weight of confusion as I said, “I don’t know man, I don’t even remember taking my clothes off.”

My friend was trying to figure out what I was saying, apparently I was not making much sense as he hung up on me after telling me that there was no way in hell I ended up on a train in Africa.

I had no other choice, I was not going to step off of a moving train in this kind of heat, with no clothes on, and deadly predators running wild. I figured the best course of action was to fall back asleep and wait until I got to my final destination.

What feels like four house later I woke up with an AK-47 waving in front of my face being screamed at by an authority figure. Words that I did not understand were being yelled at me, it felt like I was a terrorist in a foreign country. I didn’t understand these people and I’m not sure that they understood me either, after a lot of loud noise I remember being put in the back of a vehicle with a blanket to cover my naked body.

I woke up a few hours later in some kind a jail cell, it was nicer than what I was expecting it to be. I didn’t know where I was or even how I got here. Some people in the cell next to me were talking to me but I was unable to make out anything that was being said, so I just politely nodded and smiled as if I knew what they were talking about.

I even went as far as to say, “I do not know what you are saying,” I said it as polite as possible as they just laughed at me for a reason that was unknown to me at the time.

Just then two black male police officers came and got me, picking me up like a rag doll and throwing me into some other room, this whole time yelling at me in words that I simply did not understand.

And that was one mouth ago, I’m writing this before I go into court, I don’t think I will be coming back for a while.

As it turns out I was in America the whole time. As I understand it I got so high and drunk that I blacked out. According to what my lawyer is tell me I left my friends house the nest morning around ten. I was not in the right state of mind and I stole some ladies car just to take my clothes off.

But no, that’s not where it stopped. After I got naked in her car I proceeded to drive to the zoo and hid my bag of meth in the bushes. And the train I woke up on was the kids train that just happened to be going by all the African animals.

As I write this I’m letting you know what I thought was happening, I don’t think I’ll be coming back any time soon. I’m sorry I put you through this pain, I’m sorry that I was not able to control my addiction. Take care of my son for me, let him know that his father is not a bad man.

I love you, your husband.


That story did not happen to me, it’s purely fiction, a short story inspired by a story I heard at work, the story was not fiction, however I did change a few things. I do not know if this guy is a father, or what happened to him after, but I do know that he broke into the zoo to ride a kids train while he was naked. And according to the person that told me the story he actually thought he was in Africa and was so messed up that he did not understand his own language.

The Fictional Dirt: Part II

great_black_and_white_girl_on_floor_background-1280x800Today was just a normal day until Jim came home for lunch, other that it has been pretty normal, nothing with mentioning really. Just as I was expecting Lisa took a name around 2:00, I even laid her down at 1:50 which is only ten minutes, but she has been a brat all day, but I guess I can’t really complain. I get some damn good money to practically live here Monday thru Friday.

It was a nice day today and I was looking forward to laying out by the pool wearing almost nothing, I brought my bikini with me too. I even got to dip in the pool for a bit, part of me wanted to just lay there naked, but I was worried about someone coming home early.

I’m glad I wasn’t naked the whole time. I didn’t wear my bikini under my clothes so as soon as Lisa went to sleep I stood right next to the back door and took off all my clothes. It was kind of arousing to be in a different house, that is really nice, while I stood there naked. Like I was doing something naughty.

I’m glad I got dressed though because Jim ended up coming home but I was still kind of turned on from earlier that day.

Susan’s son is pretty sexy. Normal looking dude with a good jaw line, wide shoulders, and it looks like he works out too. He was wearing some white and blue plaid looking shorts with one of those cloth belt type things, along with his brown hair in a buzz cut while wearing aviators and a plain white t-shirt that showed off his toned muscles it was pretty cute.

He even has a black and white sleeve going up and down his right arm. I’m a sucker for tattoos.

Me on the other hand was almost naked, but he was so hot that I was not really ashamed. After talking to me for a while he went into the bathroom, I even saw that the door was cracked open. Did he mean to leave it open? I stood there in the kitchen and heard him making noises in the bathroom. Was he playing with himself? I think he was, but I didn’t want to catch him, I don’t know if he wanted me to know what he was doing.

But it turned me on even more than I already was so I made sure my boobs were lifted up almost popping out of my top. I even pulled my pants down in such a way that it showed more of my butt and the very top of my pubic bone.

He came out of the bathroom and saw me standing there showing off, but I think he was nervous. He never made a move on me, I was hoping he would have. He just stood there eating his food while I felt kind of weird in the silence.

I figured I was moving too fast. What kind of guy doesn’t want a girl like me, in a bikini to move too fast? But whatever, in the attempt to break the silence I asked him a ton of questions. Found out he was going to school to be an automotive technician, that is kind of hot. He also works at Jack in the Box, which I already knew but I asked him anyways.

He was pretty cool with all the questions I was asking him, kind of made me like him more that I already did. But to be honest I was wondering how big his cock was, I wanted to fuck him right there.

But I don’t know if he wanted that, and he came awhile ago…if I was right.

As soon as he was leaving to go back to school Lisa woke up, so I walked to the front door with him and even got his number. I think I’m going to text him in a few days, maybe he wont think it’s too weird.

The Fictional Dirt: Part I


I have a mother, her name is Susan. My mom was always an uptight mother who has always seemed to have her panties twisted inside the blades of a combine tractor. She never seemed to have any sort of fun in her life, sometimes I sit here and wonder what her life was like as a teenager.

My dad on the other hand is a fun loving down to earth guy with a good heart, everything he does carries the best of intentions. He grew up as a hippie in the late 60’s and early 70’s who was all about free love while he sat in his VW Bus tripping on some acid or smoking joints that he had pre-rolled into an empty box of cigarettes. How the two of them met is beyond me.

I honestly do not know how my mom and dad met, he must have met her before she turned into who she became. Either way you look at it I’m 19 years old with a sister who has just had her second birthday yesterday.

My parent’s have ended up hiring a babysitter to help out with my sister, I would normally do it but I’m going to college during the day and working the part-time shift at the local fast food joint on most nights. I work so often that they gave Sara a regular gig. I still live at home so I see the babysitter every now and then, but I’m gone more often than not, about the only thing I do when I come home is to sleep. She is usually gone before I get home anyhow.

Sara works Monday through Friday from six in the morning to four at night, even some nights and weekend on special occasions. My parents are both well to do and have enough money to pay her the wages of a normal job. It’s kind of like she became a part time roommate that gets paid to live there.

And who am I to complain? Lisa’s babysitter Sara is only 18 years old and has long flowing blond hair that reaches down past her shoulders with a slight curl at the end of each stand. She even has the deepest blue eyes that I have ever seen, when you look into them you can get lost in her innocence and beauty just as easy as a mouse in a maze looking for a block of cheese.

When she smiles it takes that beauty to a whole new level of hotness, which to be honest with you excites me, maybe more than it should.

My parents even have a underground pool in the backyard with a privacy fence all around the perimeter of the yard. Everyday around two o’clock in the afternoon my sister takes a nap for a few hours. She uses this time and her freedom to sit out by the pool with a baby monitor.

One day during school I came home for lunch and saw her sitting in the backyard with a blue bikini on, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t see her shirt and jean shorts laying on the wooden floor next to the back door.

“Hey, why are you home so early,” she asked. I rarely come home for lunch, when I have previously Sara didn’t work for us. As far as she was concerned it was the first time I came home for lunch. She is so sexy that I was excited to see how this interaction would go.

She was laying there on the tan pool chair that had three levels, each of them rotate to form a chair or a bed. All three were rotated downwards, creating a bed while she laid there facing me with a quite baby monitor laying on the concrete next to her.

She looks up at me and all I can see is her cleavage, each boob running into the other with blond hair running down her bare back and dangling down both sides of her face with white rimmed sunglasses, both sides of the glasses three times the size of each eye. Her butt was facing the sun, only covered by a blue piece of fabric that was so tempting that it made we wonder what it looked like if she was naked from the stomach down.

I thought about her ass so intently that I had to go take care of my self in the bathroom. As I stood in front of the mirror with my pants down I left the door unlocked hoping she’d come in and catch me playing with my hard cock.

Even with the door cracked open it never happened, she never caught me. I just cleaned up the mess when I was done, pulled my pants, and went back to my lunch.

By the time I got out of the bathroom she was standing in the kitchen twirling the ends of her hair with her long but narrow fingertips, standing there in a blue bikini that almost made it appear that she was partially nude from the feet up. I could tell she was not ashamed to show off her sexy, petite body.

She was not a super skinny chick, but the weight that she had filled out all the proper spots of her figure. Her ass was fantastic and her boobs matched, making her look like ah hour glass, she was my type of girl. She stood there talking to me while I ate my food, she was being super friendly and a little flirtatious. Did she see what I was doing in the bathroom? Did she like it? The visual cues I was getting from her would tell me that she was at least aware of it. Her bikini was still damp too, so I could make out the shape and location of her nipples. She must of pulled her bottoms down a tad bit because I was even able to tell that she shaved down stairs, the dampness of her bottoms were also showing me the outline of her lips on both sides of her vagina.

But I didn’t want to seem like I was thinking about her naked body, so I avoided the conversation like the black plague. She was being very friendly, she was not really tying to mention it either, if she even knew about it; but she kept dropping subtle hints, so she must have known something.

We spent the rest of my lunch talking about her family, my family, how much she liked working as a babysitter for my sister; I was shocked how much freedom my parents actually gave her, but she seems to be doing a good job taking care of my sister. We ended the conversation with me talking about where I was going to school, what I did at school, she even wanted to know where I worked at night and how much I liked it.

I looked up at her sexy body that I was not trying to stare at, but it was so damn hard not to, it was even making me hard again, but I was trying my best to suppress the idea of her naked. I did pretty good, it wasn’t that difficult with all these questions about life that she was asking me. She appeared to be into me more then I would have figured.

I got up, sat my plate in the sink, washed it off with water and threw my empty pop can in the recycling bin. Just as looked up at her and said, “well I got to be going back to school,” I hear in the baby monitor that my sister was waking up.

She walked with me to the door, the stairs that go to the second floor are right next to the front door. As I’m opening the door she puts her hand on my arm, got my attention and said, “hey, do you think I can get your number just in case I need help during the day.”

I think she likes me, maybe she actually needs help with my sister. I’m a lot closer to home than my parents are. I don’t really know her intentions, but either way you look at it I got her phone number, hopefully…if she ever calls or texts me.

The Story That Doesn’t Change.

black butte

Do people who read my post think is stupid?

Something has been on my mind lately, in an effort to tell you about this problem I’m going to write a story about my friend coming over to hang out before I left the Pacific Northwest and moved to the middle of the county.

I’m pretty good at grammar, but when I get into a story I often mess up in a few places. I often go back to read my own posts, and always find something wrong with it. So I’m going to leave this post as is, I’m not going to edit it after I publish it.

Other then running a basic spell check, I’m just going to leave the story as is. Many of you will be able to read the story without a problem.

Mianly bceuase poelpe can raed tihs to.

Some people won’t even catch two of the the same word in a sentence.

Your brain compensates without even knowing it. However many of my posts have words that don’t fit or even a word that does not have a ‘s’ on the end of it when it should be.

My girlfriend just graduated from college and went down to Oregon to spend some time with friends and family before moving with me to Nebraska.

I had the apartment to myself for about a week or two, which was cool. I love my girlfriend, and love spending time with her, however it was nice to be by myself while doing whatever I want to do.

I still kept the house clean, but didn’t feel rushed to do anything under a certain amount of time. At the time one of my best friends lived in Colorado so I called one of my other friends and said, “dude, you should totally come over before you can’t.”

The first thing he said was, “do you got some beer?” I assured him that I did but said “you might want to get some on your way over though.”

My girlfriend got of some leather couches on Craigslist and got a coffee table from Ikea. I don’t think we spent more than $100 to furnish our family room.

That being said our couch was not the best, but was in good shape for what it was.

She was raised different then I was, she doesn’t just sit there with the TV on for no reason. I don’t do it as much as I used to, but TV was very important to me.

I was raised in a house with the TV on all the time, rather it was being watched or not. So I grew into a habit of having the TV on all the time just to feel like I wasn’t the only one home.

I even go to bed with the fan on regardless of what time of the year it is, sometimes the fan even faces the wall to keep from blowing on me. If I don’t got noise, I can’t really stand it.

As I’m sitting here writing this post I’m listening to Schoolboy Q’s album Oxymoron.

That being said, we didn’t get cable TV, I just got Netflix and watched that instead.

It was a nice day in Washington, about a year ago now that I think about it. It was not raining and the sun was out while it was about 70 degrees outside.

My back door was open so I was sitting there on the couch watching some show while the birds were chirping and crickets and frogs were making their noises.

About an hour after getting off of the phone with Dmitry he knocked on my door and said, “what up bro.” And wanting to talk to him before we sat down on the couch we went outside on my back balcony to smoke a cigarette.

As soon as we got back inside he saw what kind of beer I had and said, ‘oh that shit, you drink that shit? That’s nasty bro.”

I set down and grab my beer that was about half-way finished at this point ans said, “yea man, it kinda tastes like chocolate.”

I was drinking Black Butte which is a porter from the Deschutes Brewery out of Portland, Oregon.

I’m more of a light beer type of guy, but if it is filtered it tends to give me more heartburn afterwards. I have a thing for porters and stouts, pretty much after getting Men’s Room Black from Seattle that only comes out for a limited release once a year, around Christmas time.

My go to beer is usually Blue Moon, its heavy enough to cut down on the heartburn, but remains one of the beers that I can chug.

He brought a 12 pack of Heineken with him. Even though he said that Black Butte was nasty he kept asking for one after the other helping me empty that 12 pack before we even started drinking the Heineken.

I even had a small plastic bottle of Southern Comfort that he help me finish to, he even said that was nasty to. It was really funny to me that he kept telling me he wasn’t going to drink that because it was nasty, but kept helping me to finish it.

He is one of the most gullible people I have even known. At some point I was over hanging out with him at his sister’s house smoking pot and he was watching a bunch of dumb shit on YouTube using his sister Apple iPad.

I showed him the Bad Lip Reading videos, watching and listening him to him laugh is awesome, always a good time to be had. He then went onto look up this video of like these human bones that made a human 20 feet tall.

He totally believed in, as interesting as it was, he differently believed it. I couldn’t help but look at him and him and shake my head while saying, “oh my god dude.”

A few years before this we were hanging out in his car and he said, “dude if you ever go to Mexico watch out bro.” I then said, “why man, whats up with Mexico.”

In all seriousness he said “the chupacabra bro.” He said this with everything he had, like he actually believed it.

After listening to him for a while I said, “what channel was this on?”

He told me what I was thinking, he watched it on Sci-fi, and I just said, “dude, half or more than half of the shit on the channel is totally fabricated, it’s not true, even if it was, that particular story isn’t.”

Back to my story now.

As we were drinking beer and taking shots of the tiny bit of Southern Comfort that I had left we were watching YouTube on my TV. I had the Nintendo Wii hooked up to the main TV, and that allowed us to watch YouTube on the TV.

Being that he was born in Russia he is into watching shit from Russia. I found out about this drug is Russia that like Heroin mixed with some dangerous chemical, that you can buy at the store, and overtime it turns you face, arm, or leg into like a zombie arm is the best way to explain it.

I don’t know if I believed it, but it was interesting to get a glimpse into Russia’s political system.

Then we moved onto watching a cartoon from Russia with a Fox and some other type of animal. While I’m sitting there drinking some beer and watching a poorly animated cartoon that I can’t even understand Dmitry is sitting next to me and is laughing.

He can understand everything that is being said, he just cant read the Russian language.

That being said its kinda weird to go over to his parents. They rarely speak English in that house. He mom has a think Russian accent, but can speak English, so at least I can understand her.

I never talked to his dad on the other hand, apparently he hates learning new languages. Which doesn’t really make sense to me, but whatever man.

Dmitry on the other hand, you didn’t know he had an accent until he said the word baseball.

So he is sitting next to me laughing his ass off, and based on the picture I got an idea of what was going on, but I didn’t understand it. As I get up to go outside and smoke Dmitry says, “it’s like Russia’s Tom and Jerry dawg, I grew up on this shit.”

They were not in Russia, he was born in a small and poor country outside of Russia. USSR at the time. He moved right before the USSR fell, or after it, one of the two; in the early 90’s.

After smoking we came back inside to watched “stupid shit” from Russia, like car crashes, police beating people up, so on and so forth, just the normal compilation of dumb stuff. Some of it was funny.

The rest of the night was about the same, he crashed on my couch that night. It is one thing that I would go back to if I had the chance to go back in time.

He is by far one of my best friends and……….I miss those times of doing nothing.

There we go….a story that is not going to be edited, just to prove a point, I hope.

Knowing my luck there will be no errors in this story, but I’m guessing there will be.

I just, I’m worried that people think I’m less intelligent because when I get into the flow of writing I make a lot of mistakes. I’m hoping that does not take away from the entertainment of said story.