Wasting Time

You ever hear someone ask you, “Why do you listen to talk radio, that is so boring.” Well, no, no it’s not; you just haven’t discovered it.

When I was a kid, my dad was the typical older guy who listened to classic rock. At the point in my life I listened to rap, and only rap; everything else was dumb. As I got older my musical tastes have spread to places that I wasn’t looking at before. Now a day at the age of 33 I like…see, everyone classifies shit as whatever the fuck they want it to be. To put it very simple I opened myself up to rock: classic rock, metal, heavy metal, alternative, blah blah blah.

I can list the bands but then you’d be stuck with a pointless post full of band names.

I still listen to rap, it is still my favorite; but I have so much more now.

As my dad got older I came to find out that all he did was listen to some kind of talk radio, talking about something. And as I get older I’m starting to understand the mental stimulation that comes with that.

I mean I still listen to music, I love music; but here in a few days I’m going to spend 3 days in a car. On day one I’ll be driving from Lincoln, Nebraska to Laramie, Wyoming; a total of 492 miles (or 792 kilometers). On day two I’ll be driving from Laramie, Wyoming to Boise, Idaho; a total of 690 miles (or 1,111 kilometers). On day three I’ll be driving from Boise, Idaho to Portland, Oregon; a total of 430 miles (or 692 kilometers).

That comes to a grand total of 1,612 miles/2,595 kilometers.

That song? Oh I’ve heard that song before, hundreds of times. Podcasts and/or talk radio make it much easier to sit on the road for hours at a time. Time flies by a lot faster when you’re using the excuse of driving as an excuse to hear what they’re going to say next.

Regardless of what cell phone companies claim, when you leave a city in the Midwest you also loose any 3G connection, and based upon that I bought SiriusXM radio just for this trip, which I’ll have to cancel here in about 30 days or so.

If I have the internet, I don’t really care about Shade45, Octane, The Bridge, or Faction Talk; but it’s going to come in handy over those 3 days of car travel.

And on that note, I think talk radio also calms people down. I’m one of the only people I know who can be comfortable sitting on South 167 from Auburn, Washington to Puyallup, Washington and spending the next one and a half to two hours traveling 25 miles.

The Men’s Room, KISW, look it up.

Moving to Oregon!!!

(I’m writing this a few days after I posted this. There are a lot of grammar, spelling or incorrect words in this post; I do not feel like editing it right now…so just know, if you don’t, that I’m not that stupid, I just suck at editing my self before I hit post)

A few days ago I remembered doing something and a few minutes later I attempted to make a funny post about said memory. At the beginning of my relationship with my now fiance I took her on a last minute date to Mt. Rainier. While that was running thought my head I had a thought that hopefully would seem funny to those outside of The Midwest, or Nebraska.

I more or less posted:

Hey, Shannon remember that time I took you on a last minute date/adventure to Mt. Rainier? It was fun wasn’t it? Mr. Fox hanging out next to the car, the bathrooms were berried under snow (in the summer) and then after we got home I realized I could of got in for free.

We had lunch in the paradise parking lot and the entire time there was a gray fox sitting right next to my car starring at us. We didn’t feed it, but we wanted to; he or she was kinda cute just sitting ten feet away from my front door watching us eat in a non-violent manner.

And there is the issue that I can get into a national park for free based on the fact that I’m disabled.

What am I supposed to do in this state? Take you somewhere and be like, “This hill is the largest hill in this state and its peak is 20 feet high.” Or take you to a body of water and be like, “Hey look, it’s a body of water, I’m pretty sure its deepest point is less than 100 feet; and look, you can even see land on every side”.

So that was my attempt to make fun of my own state, the state I was born in but was away for for 15 years.

On another topic I went to go get gas today and had another thought which I will talk about more below, but based on that I had the idea to write top top reasons I’m excited to move to Oregon.

These are not in any particular order, but I tried to put the most important shit upfront, however they are all important to me and towards to end of the list I found myself asking if this was more important then that.

1. I’ll be closer to my kid

As some of you might know; my kid was born in 2003, around the summer of 2005 I was booted out of the house and moved back in with my parents. After that I got to see my kid every other weekend.

Shortly after I moved out, like right after…and I have a post called Restless Night if you care to read more about that.

Now…if you read that post you might already know. She spent no time jumping from boy to boy. Nine mouths later they were married. He was in the military; and if you know anything about Washington State…Ft. Lewis.

Anyhow because of said marriage my son spent the last ten years, starting at the age of 3, maybe 4 moving all over the country. Then his step-father got a job in Seattle, out of the military.

So now my kid is back in the state where he was born and when I move to the northern edge of Oregon I’ll be a 21 hour drive closer. So I’m looking forward to that, my son says he is too. We both suck at coming up with things to say, so our phone conversations are very little. Not because I don’t care about my kid, but due to awkward silence. And if I ask him questions or say something I still get “Okay,” “No,” “Yea,” “Cool,” so on and so forth, like where do I go from there

But being with him in person is different, he will talk your ear off…which I did at that age too.

I’m just hoping that his mom will let him come live me Shannon and I for 30 days during his summer break.

2. I’ll be closer to my friends.

This…I might not need to explain this either. If you dig into my blog there is plenty of information to tell you what I’m about to summarize.

When I was a kid in Nebraska, I was picked on…more so than most kids, yes we were kids, yes that what kids do…but 30 people every day. Then I moved to Washington State and that pretty much stopped.

I became more popular that I could have ever imagined. My soon to be best man at my wedding…I’ve known him since 1998, the year I moved there; granted he only hung out with me because he thought my sister was hot, but after he got to know me he stuck to me like adhesive.

My other friend, he sucks at giving speeches; he will not be making any speeches at my wedding. I’ve known him since 1998 too.

My friends in Washington…what else can I say.

3.  I’ll be closer to my family

Now, my dad has five sisters and had 2 brothers, 1 remaining; regardless of that it has spawned a huge family who mostly reside in Nebraska, a few in Iowa. But I don’t think of them as…people who are close to me, mainly due to religious and political difference which I might mention later on it this post.

I moved back to Nebraska a year after my father moved back to Nebraska. He offered me a job in Nebraska a year prior. If you know anything about my blog, you know my stance on how difficult it is for people with disabilities to find a job.

As much as I didn’t want to leave the state of Washington, I saw it as a foot in the door to the engineering field. In which I have two college degrees that focus of the line of work. After talking to my now fiance, she moved to Nebraska with me in the same hopes that I would walk into that door.

Which never happened. At that time the government had a shut down of manufacturing, and the company my dad worked for got all to most of its contracts though the U.S. government. And his boss, whenever you mentioned something to him that he didn’t want to talk about he would just act like the situation was not there.

So I lived in Nebraska hoping for a job that I never got. On a positive note I found a job similar to that and was employed for 19 months until I was laid off due to a loss in customers base.

Around that time my father received a call from his old boss (they really liked my dad and were sad to see him go). After a, “You sure you don’t want your job back,” conversation on the phone; he quit his job in Nebraska based on several factors, one of them being that his boss promised to hire me but acted like I didn’t exist, and moved back to Washington to take his old job.

So being able to drive up to the Tacoma area for holidays or just because would be awesome.

This last Christmas I stayed in Nebraska, mainly because neither I nor my parents could afford to fly me out. I was sitting at a dinner table with my fiance, 3 of my dad’s sisters, my closet cousin, and a few other family members. The men were in the family room watching a Seahawks game, which was great for me; and the women were all hanging out in the kitchen talking about whatever.

As I’m sitting there talking to my Aunt Sandy and Aunt Diana I hear them say, “Oh my God Daniel, you look, act, and talk just like Billy (my dad). That makes me feel good.

There are things me and my dad disagree on, him being a republican and me being a democrat; which I’ll speak about later, but I have always been closer to my father than my mother. Mainly because my dad, as much as he doesn’t want me to fuck up, realizes that sometimes I won’t learn if I don’t. As my mom…she tries to stop me from doing anything that she deems dangerous, like you know, driving to Taco Bell or going outside when she thinks I will fall.

4.  Mountains, ocean, and trees.

Before I knew that I was going to move back to Nebraska I had a coworker, who I ate lunch with and also knew that I was from Nebraska. He would ask me some of the dumbest shit ever, which was funny as hell and stupid as fuck, but he is still a friend, not a close friend, but someone I still talk to and would hang out with.

“Do black people live in Nebraska?” May I mention that he was black. To which my smartass response was, “Do white people live in Baltimore?” which is uneducated on my part, I never been to Maryland other then a field trip in middle school. But…I think you can understand what I was trying to get at.

“Do people in Nebraska listen to anything besides country music?” Another smartass reply came from such, “I don’t know man, do people in Seattle listen to anything other than Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden?”

“Are there any trees in Nebraska?” This honestly made me look at him and think, “What the fuck man.” “Yes, there are.” But after being back here for about 4 years now…I can understand when you take The Evergreen State and try to compare it to Nebraska, that’s like trying to compare me to a seven foot tall NBA player. Yes, we are both human beings, but there are very distinct difference the two.

I don’t know if I need to say anymore. Oregon has mountains, Nebraska does not. Oregon in on a the coast of the Pacific Ocean, Nebraska is not anywhere close to either ocean. And trees…Oregon is a giant ass forest with cities built in the middle, I’m so used to the Pacific Northwest type forest that when you take me to a plot of land in Nebraska and say, “This is a forest,” I can’t help but laugh at you.

5.  Different climate

Keep in mind when I reference Oregon I’m talking about the low land portion of Portland, not the eastern side or up in the mountains.

So in Nebraska, there are actually four seasons; Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. In western Oregon there are only two; Rain and Summer.

In Nebraska it easier to distinguish the four season than it is in Oregon.

As far as Nebraska goes the winters average a temperature from 10-25, and it can get as low as -10. It’s common to see 6 to 12 inches of snow more then two times in a three month period. Spring starts to get warmer, all the trees that have no leaves start to grow leave again, the grass starts to turn back into a green from a brown. The average temperature can be anywhere for 30 to 70, and I love When it’s hot in the spring, reminds me of Washington summers.

Summer here, the average temperature is anywhere for 80-110, and there is no ocean, so there is so much humidity it the air that it feels like you’re in a 90 degree sauna with a 120 degree heat lamp that you can’t escape from. Then you get into the fall which is more or less the reverse of spring. Leaves die, your grass turns brown, its starting to get colder outside.

Oregon has four seasons too, but they are “closer together” than what you would experience in the Midwest. Winter might be anywhere from 15-30 degrees, but it’s raining. Spring might be anywhere form 40-70, and it might be raining then too. Summer is the best, and I think I’ve explained that already, it might rain; but for those 90 days, I love that, when it’s not raining the weather is fantastic. Then you get back into the fall which again is the same as spring, for the most part.

And let me say one thing about the rain: The rain in Oregon ain’t that bad. People associate it with Seattle, but it ain’t as bad as you might think. When someone says,” Oh yea, it will start raining on Monday and won’t stop until Saturday.” That sounds bad, but it’s not. Rain here is like standing under high pressure shower head for an hour compared to standing under a low pressure sprinkler for a week.

Rain might sprinkle on us for a week, but it dumps on you for an hour.

And humidity…come on man. If you’re in the Midwest picture a 90 degree day in the spring, take out the gusts of wind you get and then imagine that in August.

6.  Jack in the Box.

Some people hate the food at Jack in the Box, which I don’t understand, but whatever, people are allowed to feel anyway they want.

But…Breakfast at 6pm or dinner at 5am, need I say more? And a large menu with a lot of options.

Nebraska does not have a Jack in the Box, and it makes me sad. I have to drive 110 miles over to Kansas City, Kansas just to have Jack in the Box. Every time I’m up in that area one of the things I make a point to do, which might be more than once, is eat at Jack in the Box.

7.  Weed is legal

I could talk for hours about the legalization of marijuana, but I won’t…if you agree with me you know everything I’m going to say; and if you don’t you won’t care anyways. Both times in college I has to take an English class, both of them had the topic of a persuasive essay either 5,000 words or a 15 minute speech, both of those time I wrote about exactly that: The legalization of Marijuana.

Now, I’ve been away for so long that I’m not keeping up with the laws in said state. And when I left I didn’t live in Oregon anyhow.

Do you know how good it feels to say, “I was one of the many who voted to legalize relational marijuana in Washington,” when you live in one of the few states that does not even allow medicinal marijuana.

Say what you what, but Washington as well as Colorado showed a decease in violence, and traffic fatalities with a large, and I mean large, increase in state revenue that goes back to the states infrastructure.

And I’m pretty sure Oregon, all all the other state that passed it since 2012 will follow suit.

8.  I don’t have to pump my gas.

So my fiance’s my was out here to visit and while my fiance was at work I was driving around town from place to place to do some stuff with her mom, who is 50 something… I’m guessing, when we pulled up to a gas pump to get gas I asked, “Do you mind pumping the gas?” And She said, “I don’t know how to.”

After thinking about it for a few seconds it made sense to me, and I’m not trying to say she is less of a person because of it.

Do you know how many jobs are created in Oregon because of that? It’s against the law to pump your own gas. So that’s cool, but good luck getting gas at two in the morning. You might just have to cross the river and go to Vancouver, WA if you need gas at 2am.

As far as I go, I just got a new car, a car with the gas tank on the passenger side. And as time goes on its getting more difficult for me to walk. Yea, I know, there is a disabled button on gas pumps, but not many people use them and that being said the employees inside of the store are not used to it; every time I pushed it, nothing happened.

When I had a car with the gas pump on the drivers side, it was much easier for me to pump my own gas, but now I got to add the task of walking around the vehicle just to do it, then I got to walk back afterwards.

It’ll just be great to roll up to a gas station, I might have to wait in line, but I don’t have to get out of my car; I can either say “Fill it up,” or “Twenty bucks,” and it will be done for me.

9.  More democratic.

A few days ago I caught myself thinking, “Do republicans view Washington and Oregon the same way democrats view Texas?”

On a separate occasion I went to the movies with my fiance and one of the characters said, something along the lines of, “This is a small village, people don’t have that many issues do deal with.” And in the middle of the movie that got me to thinking about how smaller towns tend to be republican while larger ones tend to be more democratic.

And yes, there are republicans in Oregon; there are democrats in Nebraska. Lincoln and Omaha are the two largest cities in Nebraska, and that being said there are more democrats and more moderate republicans who understand that there are a lot of people here that deserve the same rights as everyone else, they all have different religions and backgrounds.

But you get outside of Lincoln or Omaha into smaller towns you tend to find people who think it’s okay to force people to be a certain religion, it’s okay to force kids to say the Pledge of Allegiance at school, it’s okay to deny a couple the right to marriage because of a religion that is not supposed to hold any legality and that everyone who doesn’t speak English should fucking get the fuck out; all of these make you think, “What the fuck is your problem.”

Now Oregon, specifically the Portland area is the same as Western Washington; as far as cities go. A bunch of cities all jam packed next to one another with very large and very diverse groups of people. And the republicans there, are surprisingly moderate. They might consider themselves to be financially republican but socially democratic.

I’ve heard a quote from a comedy special on Netflix where Trevor Noah said something along the lines of, “There are so many people in this world, once you start to travel from state to state, even country to country you start to understand how insignificant you are.”

I don’t know about you but I’d rather live somewhere where people allow you to live your life how you deem fit as long as you’re not being violent versus someone who is close minded and thinks everyone should be just like him or her.

10. Less religious.

I don’t know what I can say about this. I’d rather live somewhere where people don’t think your a violent people who kills children and drinks their blood just because you’re an Atheist.

Due to previous research I can tell you that – these stats might have changed – Mississippi is 7% Atheist, Nebraska is 14%, while Oregon and Washington are up in the 24 to 25% range.

I don’t care what you believe, you can believe in a giant lumberjack who has a blue Ox for all I care, but the moment that you try to effect my life, the education in schools, or the freedom that is in the first amendment, that is when I have a problem.

11.  Ikea, Fred Meyer, and others.

Fred Meyer is great, I don’t really know what to say; I miss it. It’s like going to a smaller bet better version of Walmart.

12.  More handicapped accessibility.

People here think that shit is handicapped accessible; but it’s not. Yea sure, I can get from here to there, but it’s not as easy. I mean like I can get around in a wheelchair, but it’s like the Midwest has this idea of…

“If we have to legally do it, I guess we will; but that’s as far as it goes. If you can get in and out of the store we fulfilled our legal responsibility. If you can get out of the door on the side of the building because a fire is blocking the door that you can enter, that ain’t our fault. And well if you cant get down to the street via a curb-cut, well that’s not our fault either; go over there and then come back this way. We don’t care about how easy it is, all we need to check off of our list is rather it can be done.”

I don’t expect to climb Mt. Hood in my wheelchair, but Oregon has a better idea of, “You’re here and you need to get there; you can go this way or that way.”

And if you’re from the Midwest and think I’m talking out of my ass, go borrow a wheelchair and live in in for 30 days. I grantee you smaller towns are not as accessible as bigger cities. And I’m sorry but, Lincoln ain’t as big as you think it is.

And keep in mind I’m very active, which is a weird adverb to relate to someone in a wheelchair. But I’m not just some dude that lives at home and doesn’t go anywhere, just because we can go over there and do this does not mean we don’t what to go over there and do that.

I’m just saying, larger populated areas seem to have a better grasp of said topic.

13.  Thrift Shopping

A few days ago I was listening to Seattle Rock Day on KISW and Maclemore’s Thrift Shop started playing, which was odd for that station; but made sense in the context. And that got me to thinking about how happy I would be to go thrift shopping in the PNW.

Thrift shopping in Nebraska is like going into a hoarders house and finding nothing that you want and then when you do find something that you think would be $3.99 you find out that they want $19.99 for a crumbled up piece of paper.

Portland and Seattle area thrift shops just have a much better selection, you can actually find what you want, and they don’t charge a ungodly amount of money for something that should be half of that price.

Everyone out here sales their shit, they don’t donate it. And when the sale it they thing it’s perfectly okay to ask for 75 to 100% of the price that they bought it for five years ago.

I Have A Problem

Okay, so… did you know that much as cell phone companies claim to have 3G connection country wide, it’s not true! I would imagine that most people don’t drive 1,600 miles from the Pacific Northwest to the Midwest. It’s not something I do all the time, but I got to image that I did it more than most. I drove or rode back or forth from Tacoma, Washington to Lincoln, Nebraska more than a few times.

And here in a few months I will be, once again, driving from Lincoln, Nebraska to Portland, Oregon. Not as long of a drive, but still; only shaves off about 2 or 3 hours, depending on you drive and how often you stop.

So, I got fuck tons of music. Then…I got a new car. Call me weird if you want but considering my music collection and the fact that I have a 160GB iPod. The first thing I notice in a vehicle, other than the fact of rather my wheelchair can fit in the trunk or not, is the radio and rather I can plug my iPod into my cars radio via a USB port. And my car’s stereo has other function such as Bluetooth, Stitcher, Pandora, so on and so forth.

But when you’re in the middle of fucking Wyoming or Montana, good luck listening to anything that uses the internet. And yes, I know, this is not 1995 where the capability of that didn’t even exist.

I can plug my iPod into my car, and it shows me the artist, album, song title, and album artwork; based on the information I plug into iTunes. Which is fucking awesome, the only problem is that system has a limit of 10,000 songs! So that is 8,000 songs that don’t go onto my iPod.

So this is where my problem is…

I made playlists, a few of them, all with more then 200 songs. I did this so I could put a song that I like on a playlist that can go into my car, without exceeding the song limit. So if all 6 or 7 playlists consist of 2,000 songs; that gives me another 8,000. From there I just pick a few of my favorite full length albums, which is more than a few, and dump them on my iPod until I’m close to that limit.

Sounds awesome right?

So I made a playlist of rap or R&B, a few song in are the following songs; from the same album: Akon – Tired of Runnin’ and Akon – Smack That. So, iTunes has a sound check feature, which is supposed to level out all the songs to the same volume…but guess what? That shit does not work like they claim.

When you play the album all of the songs are fairly equal in volume and sound check doesn’t really seem to have an effect as long as you’re playing an album in its entirety. However, when you have a playlist consisting of 1,500 songs, the volume equalization , that is supposed to make your life easier just makes it harder.

If I go to the album and play ‘Tired of Runnin’ before or after ‘Smack That’ both songs are give or take the same volume, to the point that if you’re driving your car you don’t have to worry about reaching for the volume control.

But if I go into the playlist and play both of those songs (same album mind you) both songs are drastically different. It bothers the fuck out of me.Then you also got 700 other songs on that playlist that might be different volumes.

Honestly the only solution I have is to remove all of my songs from iTunes and turn off sound check, adding one album at a time spending the next year making sure album 1A is equal to 2A, 3A, 4A then matching A to B. Just hoping that album 3J is equal to 9Z.

So I guess that’s what I’m going to be doing.

I highly doubt that anyone will have an easier solution, to my method – that might not even work – but I’m taking a shot, if you’re reading this and you’re like, “Hey, do this,” let me know.

This is My Fuck You

And I hope you hear it.

To quote Peter Griffin may I say, “You know what grinds my gears? You America, fuck you.”

I’ve been pretty depressed the last few weeks and I do a fairly decent job at hiding it, mainly because…it’s my life and I have to get used to it, it’s what I know.

Over the past few months I’ve managed to gain a lot of resentment towards my past employer. They didn’t fire me, I was laid off. And yes, if I step into their shoes, and I could actually trust them…if you’re running out of money, you get rid of non-important assets, unfortunately sometimes that can be a human being that is relying on that job to live in a house.

I can’t just jump to another job like a lot of people seem to do. I don’t think people truly understand how hard it is for those of us with a mental and/or physical disability to find a job.

I can’t run, jump, skip, or walk. And that right there my friends takes about 90% of entry-level jobs and throws them out the 90 story window. And then…when I do get a job interview I’m often negatively stereotyped, even though no one claims to do such a thing.

So this is my place as a white American saying, “Yes, discrimination in America still exists, and don’t try to tell me it doesn’t.”

So, for those of us who have a disability and are “unemployable” we have the government that gives us money to live, sounds good right? Yes, but no. SSDI pays more than SSI and even then a full time job paying minimum wage pays me more than they do. Even then a job gives my life meaning, a lot of you who have jobs are thinking, “Oh man, I would love to sit at home and do nothing.” Do you know how depressing it is to stay home and do nothing? It’s good for a few days and all, but if you don’t have a job and feel as if you’re not needed to contribute to society it’s actually rather depressing.

People tend to fall in love with me, even with this set back I tend to have an amazing personality that most people tend to be attracted to once they see it. I’m amazed that I’m not more depressed than I am.

So I live off of disability…I don’t want to…I want to have a job. Many would say, “Get off your ass and go get a fucking job.” So, give me a fucking job ass fucking hole. I want a goddamn job dude, and then when I go try to get a job…

I sit there staring at the digital job board and as I’m scrolling thought it and as I sit there I honestly think to myself, “Well I can’t do that job.” As 20 jobs are going up the screen I might find one that makes me think, “Yea I might be able to do that job with reasonable accommodation,” then as I’m reading the description for the next job I’m back to, “Well I can’t do that job either.”

Then after applying to 30 jobs I might be lucky enough to get a job interview. But when the hiring manager says my name I can always see them thinking, “Oh fuck, he’s in a wheelchair.” They do there thing, they give me an interview and claim reasonable accommodations but never call me back and then when I do call back I’m stuck with the famous excuses, “Don’t call us, if we wanted to give you a job we would have called you,” or “We don’t think you have enough experience to do this job.” Well you know what motherfucker, it’s hard to get experience when no one gives it to you.

Then you got those employers who are extremely honest and say, “We don’t feel as if you could perform this job.” You don’t fucking know me! You don’t know what I can or can’t do. And reasonable accommodation is a very slippery slope that most people just don’t understand.

If a employer has to spend $50 on a chair, okay fine. But if they feel as if they need to spend $1,800 dollars just for me to do a job that pays me $1,600, that’s a loss of $200. Then when they feel as if they might end up in court based on a work place injury, that might not ever happen….they just don’t want to deal with that.

So I get the short end of the stick…again…and I’m fucking tired of it. Many people, that frankly don’t know always say, “Don’t give up,” But that’s easy to say when you don’t see what I see. And you know what, you can claim that you understand, but unless you too have a disability you don’t fucking get it.

That’s like me telling some black dude, “Yea, I understand what it’s like to be pulled over by a cop based on my skin color.” I don’t, and it’s not right for me to act like I do.

I’m not trying out for the NFL you assholes, I would not apply for a job if I didn’t think I could do it. But when I apply for 300 jobs and only get 7 interviews and they all say no…

I’m fucking tired of it. And I don’t know if this will even make you understand my situation.

Then you got those employers who say, “This guy has two college degrees, if we hire him he will want a lot of money.” Don’t assume motherfucker, you don’t know that I’m moving to Oregon soon. You don’t know that I’m just looking for a part time job that pays me under a certain amount.  If you have a question…fucking ask.

And Donald fucking asshat Trump is not going to make it any easier for those of us with disabilities to find a job.

You don’t want me to live on government assistance, neither do I…they don’t even give me enough to pay rent + utilities, forget about food, car payment, and car insurance. But you won’t give me a goddamn job, so it’s your fault that your paying taxes to give me money that allows me to live in a subsidized house.

And Oregon…public housing there is a goddamn apartment in the middle of the ghetto where I got to worry about being robbed at gunpoint. So I’m expecting a $400 rent increase by the time I get to a state closer to my immediate family, my son, pretty much every friend I have, and my fiance’s family actually lives in Oregon.

So to you employers that assume, and a lot of you do, and yes I understand (Well I don’t) but that is a $1,600+ assumption you’re making. Person B is better than person A. Yes, alright. But person A is fucking tired of you being the 200th person that didn’t even give him a chance. So to you that assume without knowing anything about what I can or can not do…Fuck you, it’s your fault that I’m living on government assistance.

Drunk & Unedited

This post is most likely going to jump from place to place, and well…that is how my brain works. And other than a few edits I might see here and there as I’m writing this…it’s unedited, like most of my shit. I’m drunk, so I guess I’m sorry for stuff.

Tonight I was doing the dishes, crushing cans in  the garage, and folding clothes. now I’m making this post, not much time to play video games, but ironically I’d rather be typing a bunch of stupid shit to people I don’t know than playing Fallout 4 of Madden 16 while I’m fucked up.

For the few of you that read my posts, I’m glad you do, but in all reality, I don’t know you.

When I was in the bathroom I was thinking something, why? I don’t really know. But I was thinking it nonetheless. I’m 32 years old, my fiance is 28 years old. Speaking of which, that is not a big issue now, but when you say shit like, “Oh, yea I was a senior in high school when that song came out,” and then she says, “I was a freshman in  junior high,” That shit makes you feel old.

When she was 18 I was 22, not a huge deal. But on the other hand when I was 18 she was 14. Makes me feel weird, granted I didn’t know her until she was 23, but it is still weird.

Back to my original thought…I hope. Her dad has a good job, he makes a lot of money. My dad, he has a good job, he also makes a good amount of money. Me and Shannon on the other hand are fucking poor, granted we live in a house (public housing, mainly because I was on government assistants and am disabled), even with that decrease in rent, we still struggle every mouth.

And then my kids mom called asking for money that I don’t have. I’m going to stop there before I dig a hole I’m not trying to dig.

But…It sucks man, do I have to wait another 40 years before I start making enough money to make me feel as if I have a cushion? And she works 2 jobs, I don’t know how the fuck she does it.

My company just switched me to 10 hours a day for 4 days. You would think, “Alright, I get Friday’s off now,” but then you realize that working 10 hours a day doesn’t leave you with enough time to wipe your ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job…I just rather  work 8 hours a day for 5 days than 10 hours a day for 4 days.

Makes me feel like all the shit Shannon wants me to do need to be saved until Friday. No washing clothes, no folding clothes, no doing dishes…fuck man, I got a life too.

And that scares me too, because we are going to move back to the Pacific Northwest soon, Oregon to be specific. It’s really hard for someone with a physical disability to find a job, so…as far as I know I’m going to end up back on government assistance and falling back into depression because I get interviews but end up with those who assume that because I talk deeper and slower than most I must be retarded, or I cant physically do the job in the first place.

Laws are in place, I get that; but discrimination still exists.

I have two…two…two college degrees motherfucker. I’m not someone in a wheelchair that is trying out for the NFL. I know my shit, but just because you assume something, without ever testing it. And for some reason people think that is right even though the law says otherwise.

So I’m expecting to end up back on government assistance while I get a bunch of interviews where all the employers say something to the effect of, “We don’t think you have enough experience.”

I totally forgot everything else I was going to talk about…so, there you go on another episode of my talking to myself.


I’m On The Phone Dammit!

wheelchair tip

Right before I left the state of Washington my friend threw a party for me so all me friends could hang out and get drunk. When I drink a lot of beer I need to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes.

So that picture was taken by my friend Crystal after I came back from the bathroom and tried to climb a hill that I didn’t think was that steep. Well I guess I was wrong.

I just fell backwards, it was cool, no big deal.

You know how many times I fell backwards when learning how to do a wheelie? A lot, I learned at home with a couch behind me, so when I did fall I didn’t have far to go and I was able to easily get back up.

Then after you know how to balance, you learn how to fall. I could fall backwards multiple times a day and I’ll be fine.

The point was Ron, who I only knew for a few days at this point, came over to help me up. That’s all well and good, but someone just called me and I was on the phone man.

I don’t remember who called me, I was pretty drunk at the time, I just hope that whoever I was talking to did not think less of me because of it.

Now that I kind of explained that picture I got a wild idea, and I do not know how long or short it will turn out, because I’m just typing shit.

Many of you might know that I’ve been working on a fictional story in diary format, that will take an odd turn.

Anyhow, that got me thinking, why not write about myself, right now, in the present, and see what happens with it.

For those of you that do not know, I’m 30 years old and I live in Nebraska and I moved back to Nebraska to take a job that is no longer available. Because of the fact that I need to find a job I’m now working with Vocational Rehabilitation.

They seem to be more gung ho about finding me a job than Washington State. Maybe that’s because of political differences in different areas of the country.

Although I love Washington State and do consider myself more of a democrat, republicans don’t like to spend money they don’t have to. That being said, they want me to have a job so that I stop taking taxes out of the paycheck.

You also got to account for the fact that Washington’s unemployment rate is or was 9% while Nebraska’s is only 4%.

It was kinda like the people in Washington were just working to get paid, not to get me a job, they didn’t seem to care much.

But everyone works to get paid right? Yes, but you got those who work really hard to avoid their job and you also have those that actually love the job they have.

Anyhow, like last week or so I had an on the phone pre-screen  interview type deal for a company that manufactures a product. They need a drafter, so hey…..I applied there after I was told about it by Vocational Rehabilitation.

They (she) ended up asking me a bunch of questions I was not prepared for, so in the long run it just made me look like a huge idiot.

Being the typical politician, avoiding the question and focusing on another issue at hand would have been way better than saying nothing for a few seconds and then ending with, “I’m sorry, I’m at a loss of words.”

I’m waiting to hear back from them any time now. She told me that they contact everyone regardless of the outcome.

About my only two redeeming qualities were that I did some engineering type work for the military in a round about way and I’m more concerned about having a job versus a high pay.

All in all they might be able to save money by hiring me. But I don’t really expect much of a second interview, much less a job.

While all this is going on I’m seeing a psychologist/counselor to try to figure out why I’m letting my old job of 2 years ago still effect me this much.

My last job….well….they were assholes. They just left me feeling like I was not fast enough for any job. I understand you need to make money, I even understand I was too slow. But when you put me under a lot of stress I shut down and get into this mood where I don’t trust myself.

Then I ask a bunch of questions I already know.

Why you got rid of me as a machinist I can understand, but transferring me to Seattle was…….. too much. It made me hate Charlie even more than I already did, and when you denied my request to move back to Auburn, that just told me that you wanted me to quit but were afraid to fire me because of my disability.

I was getting up everyday at 3 in the morning to leave the house at 4. Then I spent the next two hours on I-5 driving 56 miles to Seattle. I’d sleep in my car for an hour and go into work.

This whole time my mom was under the impression that I was taking the train to Seattle and getting on the bus. Yes I did that during the summer, but more or less drove my car after I got tired of dealing with rain and a wheelchair.

Seattle has a fantastic public transportation system, don’t get me wrong. But it sucked to go 4 blocks in rainy Seattle at 4am to sit at a bus stop for 30 minutes in the rain and then wait for the lift on the bus to lower just so I can sit on the bus with homeless people to show up to work late.

Anyways, I went though so much mileage on my car. After I got off of work at 3:30 I’d spent the next 30 minutes in Seattle traffic before I even got to the freeway.

Then I’d spend the next 4 hours driving another 56 miles back into Puyallup. Once I got home at 7pm, I’d stay awake for an hour and eat or whatever just to go to bed at 8pm and do the same thing all over.

Sounds fun don’t it? That’s why I quit, but I still feel like they were trying to get rid of me.

So I’m currently finding a job, in a state I really don’t want to be in.

I should have just moved to Portland, Oregon where my girlfriend could have got a good teaching job in special ed. Now I just feel bad for bringing her into the middle of nowhere to take a job that they can’t pay me for.

We are living at my parent house, that fucking sucks as is. I now got to deal with my mom and all her over paranoid bull shit.

My girlfriend and I no longer feel like our own couple anymore, we’re kinda out of the funk of me doing the dishes, folding clothes, she cooks, does laundry, blah blah blah.

And we can’t have sex like we used to, it sucks. We got to be all quiet and shit, but I just wanna ram her over and over, but then I breathe harder because I’m working harder and she moans pretty loud.

Which is sexy as shit, but……we can’t.

I so wanna move back to the Pacific Northwest, even if I don’t get a job, weed is legal in Washington now, and Portland is pretty relaxed about it anyways.

But we can’t because we don’t got the money to get back there, we have no place to live when we get back there.

I’m just saying if she got a good job and I stayed on SSDI we could have a decent life, I hope.

I want a job, I don’t wanna stay on disability, but…………….

And I got to wake my girlfriend up from a nap. Her Grandmother gave us a $50 gift card to the Olive Garden, so were going there to eat tonight.

Then when I get back home I might get drunk and play some more Bioshock or Diablo III. I might not, I may just watch TV with my girlfriend.

The Most Important Thing

Part II

There are too many people in this world that judge a book by its cover. If people took time to read that book they might just realize they stumbled onto something fantastic.

I’m in the 33% of the population that has started their relationship online. The girl who I started my relationship with is by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

After everything that happened I can’t believe that I found her.

This is a story of how it happened. I have a very forgetful memory and I’m sure that there might be some information that is either missing or out-of-order. It has been 3 years after all.

I’m sure if you ask her to tell the same story it will be a very similar but different account of events. She’ll probably even say, “I can’t believe you forgot that”.

While I was going to night school and working a full-time job at the same time I lived a very depressing life, I have been single for 5 years, I did not feel loved anymore.

I knew people loved me, but not intimately.

I joined a free dating site and didn’t have any luck with it for about 3 years. I was so sad about my situation in life that the mass majority of girls, being all of them, didn’t talk to me because I came off as a creep.

That was not my intention, I was not trying to seem like I was going to stalk you or whatever. However they didn’t know any differently, I was a stranger, and because of that I don’t blame them.

One night I downloaded the application on my smart phone and while laying in bed I stated talking to this girl who lived within 12 miles of me.

She talked back to me! I wasn’t expecting her to, but she did, that made me happy.

However that only lasted about an hour or so. A lot of time went by after that, I tried talking to her every now and then, but she never talked back.

Being as depressed as I was it really hurt. At the same time I knew if I kept talking to myself expecting a response and never getting one I was just going to depress myself more than I already was.

I gave up trying to talk to her. Back to trying to talk to other girls, very few that didn’t do more then say, “hi” or “don’t talk to me.”

It was towards the end of 2010 and I just let time pass like it was known to do.

I didn’t even care to talk to her anymore, she wasn’t going to talk to me anyways.

One night I was sitting in my bedroom staring at the glow of the computer monitor and thinking about life while I was crying. The light from the monitor was shining on the top of my head because as I laid my head down to feel the water works coming from my face.

Next thing I heard was the sound that Mario makes when he jumps on a turtle in Super Mario World. Oh shit, look at that, it’s Shannon.

After noticing that Shannon sent me a text message I heard fireworks outside.

It was 2011 and the ball just dropped, I assumed it was 12:01, I was not expecting to hear from Shannon. It was weird, but made me smile nonetheless.

“Happy New Year’s,” is what I saw when I looked after swiping my thumb to the right. I can’t remember if I replied by saying, “thank you” or “hi.”

We spent awhile texting back and forth that night, and she actually continued talking to me afterwards!

She must have thought I was nice or some shit, because it resulted in a date that lasted for two days. Later that night she confirmed that I made her happier than all the other guys that have talked to her.

That was good, I wasn’t really trying, but I’m glad I made, and continue to make, her happy.

Coming from a guys point of view…….. I tapped that ass son!

But I wasn’t planning to ditch her afterwards. I was not looking for a one night, in this case, a two night stand. I was looking for a girlfriend.

She just happened to be really fucking cool, even though I spent a few days testing out the waters I asked her to become my girlfriend nine days later.

We rarely fight, that is really important to me. One of the most important things to me is that she talks to me when she can tell that I’m either mad or sad.

That is really important to me because she knows how to get me to talk when I don’t want to.

She is a cool ass chick. To top it off most, if not all, of our viewpoints are the same.

She makes really good food to. I love food man.

I’d rather go to the store and buy everything I needed for her to make whatever I desire versus just saying, “fuck it, let’s get fast food.”

Because of a financial reasons she had to move back home, this was about five months after we started dating by the way.

She was going to a university that was in Tacoma but lived, 150 miles south, in Portland, Oregon.

We dated long distance for about a year or so. Every few weekends here and there Shannon would drive up to visit me. Every now and then I would drive down to see her.

I’m not that social of a person, and her dad was intimidating, so for a long time her family thought I was super weird.

She visited me more often because I felt weird around new people, that were more social than me.

As I was saying before, we rarely fight, and when we do she never yells at me. That’s mainly because, I assume, her dad raised her in such a way not to yell at people, and in the event of an argument she either lets it go or approaches the other person with understanding and compromise.

While living long distance I have not said, “I love you” yet.

To go back in time for a bit, I said it before, but to my kids mom. We never really loved one another in the first place, we just assumed it  was the right thing to do.

For that reason it took me a long time to say it because I was afraid that she would break my heart or it would have had a negative effect on our relationship.

One weekend she came to visit me and we got a hotel so we did not have to sleep at my parents house.

Apparently I was driving like shit that night, I remember telling her that I loved her, but I don’t remember all the little details that happened beforehand.

She reminded me of this a few days ago, I honestly didn’t remember most of the night. I’m guessing it’s either because I’m very forgetful and can’t remember much or I was thinking of whether or not I wanted to confess that I loved her.

That same night I came to find out that she stopped talking to me before the New Year because I came off as a creep. I don’t really blame her, I did. I’m just glad she gave me a second chance and came to find out that I was a really sweet guy that just happened to be really lonely.

During our long distance relationship, I “quit” my job which gave me another reason to take more trips down to Oregon.

I think our relationship gained strength with all of that extra time that we had to spend with one another. I opened up to her dad while this was going on.

He, along with the rest of her family, didn’t think I was as weird anymore.

At that same time my dad was taking a bunch of business trips, and one of these was unknown to me until some time later. I knew he went on a trip, but where he said he went was not where he went.

He traveled back to Nebraska and ended up being offered a job, ironically from the same person who offered him a job in Washington while we lived in Nebraska.

He eventually told me that he quit his job, but had a new job back home. He offered me a job. I really did not want to move back to Nebraska, but I was offered a job doing something I went to school for, twice, and haven’t been able to find.

Finding a job is hard as is. Then when you take into account that I’m physically disabled and then add western Washington, that had a 9% unemployment rate at the time, finding a job became a lot more difficult.

And my dad offered me a job.

Part of me didn’t want to leave Washington, not only were all of my friends there but Shannon was within driving distance as well. The other part of me wanted to move to Nebraska because I had a job that was going to pay a good amount of money.

After a phone conversation and a sad weekend in Oregon she agreed that if we lived together while it took her time to finish getting a degree then she would move out to Nebraska with me.

And that was cool, I didn’t expect her to move 1,600 miles just to find out that I was impossible to live with.

We managed to find an apartment in Tacoma and lived there for about a year. Then my dad flew to Washington to help us pack up the apartment and drive 1,600 miles southeast into the middle of the country.

We got into Nebraska on June of 2013 and we have been here for about three-quarters of a year now.

The sucky part is that the job I was offered was no longer available. It’s still there, but they don’t have the money to pay me.

I brought a girl from the Pacific Northwest into the middle of the country. I just moved home, but I no longer consider my home to be my home. Everyday I miss the general 253 area code location of that state.

The ultimate goal of moving here was to get about two years of work experience in the engineering field, so that when we did move back up to the Pacific Northwest it would be easier for me to find a job.

But know that goal has been altered because of the job that is not there. I’m currently working with Vocational Rehabilitation of Nebraska to help me find a job and she is holding down a part-time job while finding contacts to help her further her career in special education.

Telling her, “I love you,” worked out in the long run. We just celebrated out third year anniversary about two months ago.

I’m working on saving up money for a ring. We talked about it before she even thought about moving to Nebraska. It won’t be that much of a surprise, she knows I’m going to ask, but she doesn’t know when.

In the long run, I love this girl. I can’t believe I found her, she is too good to me.

On a very positive note, I don’t see her throwing anything at me because she is angry, and would be very happy to spend the rest of my life with her.