Some Depressing Shit

Okay, so before I start writing let it be known that I might mess up on grammar and if I do it’s most likely because once I get into typing I really suck at editing myself, so if that happens; which it will, just deal with it.

So I’m less depressed now than I was an hour or two ago and that might be due to the fact that I’m on my third day of taking anti-depression medication. But it’s not much better, it just makes me feel okay with life I guess. So let’s go back and explain today’s feeling of hopelessness.

A week ago I was scheduled for a job interview and about four days before that interview I received a random call from a staffing agency. In the long run I ended up having two job interviews that were two days apart from one another.

At each of them I was told that they would have a decision at the end of the week, so what do I do? I waited a week or five days a weekend and that following Monday, on that Thursday I wrote both companies a very short and very nice e-mail to both of the hiring managers.

Today (March 14th, 2018) I called both places but only received word from one of the two, one of them telling me not to contact the company directly because I worked for the staffing agency, which is beyond weird to me. But I was told that their client was not going to hire me.

So am I doing something wrong? What the fuck is it? After being told, “No,” over and over again it has put me into a spot where I assume that there is a lot of discrimination that goes on in the workplace, even if the laws say otherwise. But is there? Am I just pulling shit out of my ass?

There are a lot of jobs that I can’t do, and sadly I understand that and it has put me into this spiral where I don’t trust anyone. A lot of entry level jobs that do not require you to have a college education often require you to have physical abilities that I don’t have no matter how hard I try.

If you do not know I have a physical disability that has me in a wheelchair, and I can stand up for short periods of time and whatnot. But still there are a fuck ton of jobs that I can’t do based on that.

What did I do to try to get around that? I had the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation fund both of my college degrees. I have two college degrees, one in Mechanical Engineering Design and the other in Machining and Manufacturing Technologies.

The state rather pay someone with a disability, someone who can not find a job, to go to school and acquire the tasks to be employable than to pay you X amount for the rest of your life because you can not find a job.

That brings me to my next point, Social Security Disability Income. They pay more than basic Social Security, and the only reason I’m on it is due to the that I held my first job for five years and payed into the system. But honestly, do you know how much they give you, or me in this case because it varies from person to person; $905.00 a month, do you have any idea how hard it is to live off of 10,860.00 a year?

It’s not easy. And for those of you who think that all we do is sit at home and eat the most lavish food one can buy, no, no we don’t. But I don’t feel like I need to go into that. The point is that I don’t take any pride in the fact that I’m taking your tax money, I don’t; I mean I’m glad it’s there because if it wasn’t I would have became homeless and killed myself long ago, either that or go live at my parents and feel like a useless 34 year old that lives with his mom and dad.

Do you know how many times I’ve been told, “We’re going to pass on you,” it’s depressing as hell. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Like, I come off socially awkward in interviews. Or do I? Is that what I force myself to believe? It can’t be the disability thing, or can it?

I honestly had a thought today, “If I was not here I would not feel like crap day in and day out over an issue that I can’t control, and I wouldn’t disappoint people who expect me to be financially stable,” but at the same time I had the contradictory thought of “I don’t want to die; people love me regardless, I’m getting married in 7 months, I have a son, I have parents, I have friends; and all of these people care about me.

I have the tendency to be one of the best people that you got to know, I even blow people away a lot of the time. I would not actually do that I love myself too much, but this, this thing called life is too depressing.

Do employers even care? I don’t think they do! I sit there in an interview and you know that I can use Solidworks, I can read a blueprint, I have plenty of knowledge when it comes to manufacturing; I know how to generate a bill of materials, I have knowledge in geometric tolerancing and dimensioning. I’m not just some dipshit off the street.

It is so hard for me to buy into the fact that you’re not hiring me because I didn’t fit. Now all I hear when you say, “We’re going to pass on you,” is, “We are so sorry that you have a shitty life, but that’s not our problem. We now that you want this job and will put every ounce of energy that you have into it, but because of the fact that you come off socially awkward and no longer trust yourself because people keep kicking you when you’re down; we don’t care about you.

Like how do people do it? How do you gain confidence that you don’t have? How do you act like you’re the best person in the world when time and time again employers have given you a reason to think you’re just someone else. How the hell?


The Digital Journal

I have a journal on my computer, I started it in 2013 when I lived at my parents house in Lincoln, NE. The entries on it have dwindled between 2013 and 2018, but every now and then I did write shit down, more or less to give myself someone to bitch to, even if it was myself. I got to admit, it’s fun to go read shit that you wrote a year or two ago.

This entry is going to be public. Because well, I’m pissed off and some people might like to know why. In the large aspect, it won’t matter; but if you care to read I’m going to tell you nonetheless. And I may go off on tangents here and there to explain the background of something that might not be known.

So to start things off let me ask you a question? You know that picture? The One at the top of this posting? That’s my left hip after surgery. You might be asking, “What did you do.” Well…

I was going down a slight hill, a very slight hill , in my wheelchair if you don’t know anything about me, and at one point I took my hands off of my wheels to try to put a key in my pocket. So at this point whatever speed I has, which was fast, was taking me wherever gravity wanted to take me.

And…I crashed, was ejected out of my wheelchair and my body flew in a different direction then my wheelchair did which resulted in my body getting thrown onto the pavement.

So…that picture is the result of a broken bone. And I’m still recovering, according to the physical therapists total recovery time is about a year and a half, and as of now (January 2018) I’m only about 3.5 mouths into a 18 mouth healing process.

But…I only bring that up to give you a better understanding of what I’m about to say.

This morning I left the house at…

Oh yea, it is January 11th, 2018 at 4:55pm Pacific Standard Time.

This morning I left the house at 11:45 to go to a PT appointment. I also had to go to Fred Meyer and Bi-Mart.

Speaking of Bi-Mart, that is a weird fucking store. There is only one entrance into the store, and even when you get into the store some employee has to fucking buzz you in or open the turnstyle, if you want to call it. That makes you feel like you’re fucking cattle being drawn into the barn!

Then when you leave, when you leave; there is only one exit and you can’t get to it unless you buy something, or at least that must be their goal. So if you don’t buy anything you have to go through the check stand anyways.

And what if every line has someone in it waiting to buy something? Well I’ll tell you what you do if you’re in a wheelchair, you fucking sit there and wait for nothing, with nothing, just you can leave.

And the inside of the store makes you feel like you were transported to a small ass fucking town in the middle of goddamn nowhere, a store that has a lot of shit, but no type of interior decoration, just aisles of shit that look like every other goddamn aisle of shit.

Fuck Bi-Mart!!!

The only reason I had to go was because of my disabled future father-in-law who can not used a computer even if he wanted to had to drop off some paperwork at the pharmacy, and I happened to be the vehicle do get done what he can’t do.

I can’t really walk in the first place, then I got a surgical hip on top of it. I finally got to the point where I can go somewhere on my own accord, but it’s not the fast to transfer my wheelchair and use a cane to help me walk to the driver’s side of my car. So I more or less had to do that 10 times from when I left to when I got home.

When I left the house it was raining. When I was at my physical therapy appointment it stopped raining and became sunny, but an hour and a half hour later; it started raining again.

I’m not complaining about the rain! It’s something that you have to force yourself to get used to when you live in the Pacific Northwest. And well, I lived 50 miles south of Seattle from 1998-2013. I just happen to live in Portland, Oregon now.

But fucking people, turn on your goddamn headlights when it is overcast as fuck and it’s raining. Yes, we all are aware that you can see, but do you ever ask yourself, “Can they see me.” Yes we can, but it’s much harder when you don’t have your lights on and everyone else does.

And when we look over to see if we can change lanes or not, are you in our blind spot? Well I don’t fucking know because your car blends into the environment, you don’t have your lights on because you think you’re special or some shit, and all that rain on our back windows make it hard to see. It would be much easier if…I don’t know, they invented these things that lit up that were not only a way for you to see but was also a way to be like “Here I am.”

You would think they have this problem too, but I guess not; I guess they are just assholes that don’t seem to care about anyone else’s safety.

And…handicapped parking. When you get to a store and all 8 handicapped spots are taken. What do you do. Park in a normal spot right? What if you need that no parking zone on the side of your car for the extra room required to do things like open your door, get out, then fit your wheelchair right next to your care to load or unload things.

What am I supposed to do?

What are they, as in other disabled people, supposed to do?

Does anyone care?

Close to 4 hours later I got back home, from going to 3 places! I’m not super happy about it either. But what do I do, sit here and clap at the wall; as if I need more reasons to be depressed.

Once again, fuck Bi-Mart.


Video Games with Donald Trump

One night I was playing Madden 17, again. And afterwards I was fucking pissed and wanted to thrown my controller against the wall and blow up my house. Because once again I was playing against some fucking lucky asshole who fucking won the game 25 to 24 by doing stupid shit, that a coach would never do, but fucking this kid was lucky as fuck.

Once again I was playing an idiot at checkers as he kept picking up his chips and fucking slamming the back onto the table in random ass locations while I sat there and yelled at my TV, “How the fuck do you get away with that shit? I’m playing all the right plays based on the fact that you don’t seem to know your ass from a hole in the ground and you just fucking get away with that shit like its the easiest thing you have ever done.”

Then later that night I was laying in bed staring at my phone, this was around the time our fucking dumbass of a fucktard president starting his happy ass executive order bullshit, which…I don’t think any of them have done any good.

It was when he signed his name on shit he didn’t fucking read in the first place, and put the construction of the Dakota Pipeline back into play. That night I was laying in bed on Facebook, I just got done reading “fake news” about how fucking dumb our president is, and I posted on Facebook:

“Donald Trump is like that fucking dude you play Madden 17 with, the kid who decides that going for it on 4th&24 is the smartest idea ever. You know what, you might complete it, but it’s such a risk that you’re most likely going to end up turning it over to me due to an incomplete pass, a sack, an interception, or even a complete pass that doesn’t make it 24 yards. Good job dude, it might work, but if it doesn’t you just contaminated land with oil just because you have fucking ties to a oil company. And no one fucking asked you to be there anyways.”

A few nights ago I was playing Grand Theft Auto Online with one of my friends from Washington State. When we play Grand Theft Auto Online we play with the two of us, no one else. Why? Because everyone else who plays doesn’t seem to do anything besides buy guns just to run around with no rhyme or reason but to kill each other for no fucking reason.

When we play Grand Theft Auto Online we actually like to play co-op missions, and if we go to Freemode to buy food, clothes, weapon, or whatever else; we don’t wan’t to feel like we are being hunted by someone with nothing better to do.

Grand Theft Auto Online is updated all the time, the game is still being played by a lot of people and they make a shit ton of money based on micro-transactions. I never understood that, why do you want to spend real money on fake money?

The new updates seem to be focused on public games, I remember telling Jay, “Grand Theft Auto is not the same as it used to be man, it pisses me off.” But that didn’t seem to have any soft of impact on him until he said…

“Why can’t you access your office in a close friend session?”

Not knowing that much about it I responded by saying, “All these new updates are focused on public games and it seems like you can no longer enjoy the game unless you put yourself in a digital city of serial killers.”

The next day I was in the kitchen doing dishes, we do not have a dishwasher, but we do have a house that is up to A.D.A. regulations. That being said I can sit in my wheelchair for hours and do the dishes. Part of me likes doing the dishes, sometimes I’ll be doing the dishes for 4┬áhours, and I’m okay with that; gives me a good opportunity to listen to podcasts.

Most of the podcasts I listen to are based in Seattle and are part of ‘99.9 FM KISW the rock of Seattle’. I do listen to others that are atheist based such as ‘Cognitive Dissonance.’ Outside of that I enjoy Joe Rogan’s Podcast from time to time.

I remember a previous episode was talking about the movie Matrix, and from there the topic moved to the fact that the world is 4.5 billion years old even though 40% of Americans think the Earth is 6,000 years old. From that came the idea that 100 years of technology is a very small slice of time when it comes to the history of humans, as we scientifically know it.

That then led into the possibility of a reality that is all digital but is so real that unless your name is Morpheus you would not know otherwise.

So…I came upon a theory that scares me. For the sake of argument let’s assume that the world becomes a giant virtual reality system that feels and looks so real that if you want to go on vacation in Amsterdam and have unprotected sex with a dozen people all you would have to do is sit on your couch in the middle of Oregon.

Now what if you were able to disconnect from the system and go on about your life as you do, but when you connect to it you get put into a would with everyone else that is also connected? Do you think people would do whatever the fuck they want because there was no consequence to their actions?

Like…that got me thinking about those people who commit murder. Like who the fuck does that? Why the fuck would you do that?

But when you’re playing a video game everyone becomes a serial killer. Why? Are people really that much of an asshole?

Like if a Matrix type of video game reality ever exists would you have to wear tactical gear and take a AK-47 and a Desert Eagle with you to the gas station just because someone might try to kill you?

Like people can’t be that fucked up!

What separates real life from a video game? What if there was no separation between the two?

Do people understand that an asshole is an asshole regardless of the platform.

And this is what I was thinking when that guy picked up his checker chip, laughed at me, and then slammed it back to on the table in a random ass location; that just happened to be the right location based on mere luck.

Like…I fear that if that technology ever comes to be the digital world would be filled with people who take actions that don’t seem to make sense to anyone besides them, and will they feel bad because 40 people died in the process of them getting 50,000 dollars?

That’s why we need a president. But…he’s fucking dumb too. I think this is the first time that America has found itself as a CEO who hires a employee that can’t do his job even though he is a very good liar and just like a shady used car salesman he emotionally sold a 250,000 mile vehicle to people that thought they were buying a reliable mode of transportation.