Okay, so before I start writing let it be known that I might mess up on grammar and if I do it’s most likely because once I get into typing I really suck at editing myself, so if that happens; which it will, just deal with it.
So I’m less depressed now than I was an hour or two ago and that might be due to the fact that I’m on my third day of taking anti-depression medication. But it’s not much better, it just makes me feel okay with life I guess. So let’s go back and explain today’s feeling of hopelessness.
A week ago I was scheduled for a job interview and about four days before that interview I received a random call from a staffing agency. In the long run I ended up having two job interviews that were two days apart from one another.
At each of them I was told that they would have a decision at the end of the week, so what do I do? I waited a week or five days a weekend and that following Monday, on that Thursday I wrote both companies a very short and very nice e-mail to both of the hiring managers.
Today (March 14th, 2018) I called both places but only received word from one of the two, one of them telling me not to contact the company directly because I worked for the staffing agency, which is beyond weird to me. But I was told that their client was not going to hire me.
So am I doing something wrong? What the fuck is it? After being told, “No,” over and over again it has put me into a spot where I assume that there is a lot of discrimination that goes on in the workplace, even if the laws say otherwise. But is there? Am I just pulling shit out of my ass?
There are a lot of jobs that I can’t do, and sadly I understand that and it has put me into this spiral where I don’t trust anyone. A lot of entry level jobs that do not require you to have a college education often require you to have physical abilities that I don’t have no matter how hard I try.
If you do not know I have a physical disability that has me in a wheelchair, and I can stand up for short periods of time and whatnot. But still there are a fuck ton of jobs that I can’t do based on that.
What did I do to try to get around that? I had the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation fund both of my college degrees. I have two college degrees, one in Mechanical Engineering Design and the other in Machining and Manufacturing Technologies.
The state rather pay someone with a disability, someone who can not find a job, to go to school and acquire the tasks to be employable than to pay you X amount for the rest of your life because you can not find a job.
That brings me to my next point, Social Security Disability Income. They pay more than basic Social Security, and the only reason I’m on it is due to the that I held my first job for five years and payed into the system. But honestly, do you know how much they give you, or me in this case because it varies from person to person; $905.00 a month, do you have any idea how hard it is to live off of 10,860.00 a year?
It’s not easy. And for those of you who think that all we do is sit at home and eat the most lavish food one can buy, no, no we don’t. But I don’t feel like I need to go into that. The point is that I don’t take any pride in the fact that I’m taking your tax money, I don’t; I mean I’m glad it’s there because if it wasn’t I would have became homeless and killed myself long ago, either that or go live at my parents and feel like a useless 34 year old that lives with his mom and dad.
Do you know how many times I’ve been told, “We’re going to pass on you,” it’s depressing as hell. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Like, I come off socially awkward in interviews. Or do I? Is that what I force myself to believe? It can’t be the disability thing, or can it?
I honestly had a thought today, “If I was not here I would not feel like crap day in and day out over an issue that I can’t control, and I wouldn’t disappoint people who expect me to be financially stable,” but at the same time I had the contradictory thought of “I don’t want to die; people love me regardless, I’m getting married in 7 months, I have a son, I have parents, I have friends; and all of these people care about me.
I have the tendency to be one of the best people that you got to know, I even blow people away a lot of the time. I would not actually do that I love myself too much, but this, this thing called life is too depressing.
Do employers even care? I don’t think they do! I sit there in an interview and you know that I can use Solidworks, I can read a blueprint, I have plenty of knowledge when it comes to manufacturing; I know how to generate a bill of materials, I have knowledge in geometric tolerancing and dimensioning. I’m not just some dipshit off the street.
It is so hard for me to buy into the fact that you’re not hiring me because I didn’t fit. Now all I hear when you say, “We’re going to pass on you,” is, “We are so sorry that you have a shitty life, but that’s not our problem. We now that you want this job and will put every ounce of energy that you have into it, but because of the fact that you come off socially awkward and no longer trust yourself because people keep kicking you when you’re down; we don’t care about you.
Like how do people do it? How do you gain confidence that you don’t have? How do you act like you’re the best person in the world when time and time again employers have given you a reason to think you’re just someone else. How the hell?