My Anger Turned Into An Addiction

So I got a problem, sometimes, actually every time I’m confronted with this issue I don’t know how to deal with it, but for some reason that anger has turned into an addiction that still causes me anger. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

I know not to get in that state of mind, but I keep doing it. Makes me wonder how others are able do it without being so angry for something so simple. I really do think I have a problem.

It’s not drugs, not alcohol, it’s a video game. Madden 16 to be more specific.

I started playing people online. In many ways it annoys me…but I keep doing it, over and over until I want to take my controller outside and pour lighter fluid on it just to watch it burn.

There are a few things that bother me about other people who play online. People who always go for it on 4th down, even 4th & 22…and they somehow get the first down every time. On one hand I’m saying, “If you win by playing that way, you win playing that way,” and the other part of me says, “What the fuck are you doing asshole.”

Then there are those people that go for a 2 point after every touchdown, that just pisses me off. And for those of you that can actually do it time after time…I just picture you sitting in front of your TV saying, “Ha ha, you fucking asshole, you suck at this game.” And all you do it shove it in my face.

I don’t even know what my record is…I think I got 22-35 or something like that. I’ve been going though streaks. I win a few in a row, then I lose a few in a row, then I win, then I lose.

I can’t really blame them, when I’m winning I just play, and I feel good at the same time. But I don’t do stupid shit like go for it on 4th & 5 or try a 2 point conversion when I don’t need to.

When I’m losing I turn into someone that I don’t like seeing. My heart beats really fast, my hands sweat, I actually feel like my life is part of that game for however long. Even if I’m winning.

Sometime I have room to chill out, like if it’s 21 to 3, then I can kinda stop trying to play and just keep running out the clock.

But if I’m losing I automatically assume they are the worst person on the planet. I’m not a violent person but I wish I could mod the game so every time they score my defender in the field goal block would pull out a gun and shoot the kicker.

That sounds really bad now that I actually say it, I’m not a violent person, I don’t wish violence on anybody. Even if they say all Mexicans are drug dealers that somehow steal our jobs without a social security number or want to ban everyone in a religion from entering the country because of a few bad people.

Something about that game and losing turns me into the worst person ever, and it’s just a God damn video game, why do I allow myself to feel like I want to turn on my mic and start yelling at them to tell they how shitty of a human being they are?

I’m not like that, why do I do it?

Part of wonders if it’s because I can’t physically play football. Like Marshawn Lynch didn’t get this mad when he lost because it’s all about that action boss. But they get paid, a lot, a lot of fucking money…even if they lose.

I don’t know…I guess I’ll stop playing…but I don’t want to…but I should…but I don’t want to…but it makes me angry…but its fun…but…

 

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A Bad Trip

G-Billy-2I don’t remember how I got here. It was dark and musty, I saw beams of light shining thought the rickety wooden walls of the train as it sped down the train tracks like a speeding bullet that was not going anywhere really fast. I looked all around this train car and all I could see was sand bags and dilapidated wooden boxes that looked as if they were assembled by monkeys over one hundred years ago.

After shaking my head, trying to remember how I ended up here, on a train, with my clothes off, I stood up and walked over to the sliding door that was too heavy to open without putting my body weight into it.

The door slid open, light poured into the train car like a pillow of smoke. I looked to my left, I looked to my right; I saw animals that most people do not see on a daily basis. Lions, tigers, and giraffes were running around like they were still wild animals on the hot, empty, desert plans of brown grass that has been overgrown and looked as if it died due to a lack of moisture and too much heat. I could not believe my eyes, how did I end up hear and why was I naked? Like a light bulb that quickly burnt out I was quick to make the assumption that I was somewhere in Africa.

How did I end up here, did I blackout and buy a plane ticket? The last thing I remember was hanging out with some of my drug buddies, somewhere in North America as all five of us sat around a table with firearms, a deck of cards that were scattered all over the white table that has turned into a very dark tan color from all the dust that never got cleaned up. There was an ash tray sitting in the middle of the table with so many cigarette butts in it that a few of the cigarettes were ever overflowing on the table.

We were all drinking beer and taking shots of whiskey as drugs were being passed around the table like as if it was thanksgiving at the local homeless shelter. There was a mirror laying on the table with a rolled up twenty dollar bill and a credit card reflecting back at itself as they sit on top of a white substance that is nothing but residue at this point. Cocaine, meth, and even heroin was laying on top of the table ready to be taken by the highest bidder who didn’t have any money.

I was having fun in my drug induced haze, but I never thought to myself that it would lead me to another continent. How did I end up here? Were my friends keeping an eye on me?

In the middle of my hazy confusion I turned around just to go lay back down. I don’t know where the hell my clothes went, but apparently I had enough sense to bring my cell phone with me. My clothes were not even on the train, where and why did I get naked? But for whatever reason I had my cell phone, it was laying on the floor, right next to where I was sleeping. I don’t even remember falling asleep or being in a place that I could fall asleep.

I was thinking to myself that I better call my friend and tell him so I could start putting the pieces of this puzzle back together. I called one of my friends and there was no answer so I called another one and waited for an answer.

“Hello” my friend said as he answered the phone with a worried tone to his voice.

“Hey man,” before I could finish saying hi to him he quickly cut into the conversation like a hot knife to a stick of butter as he asked, “Where the fuck are you man, me and fucking David have been looking all over town for your ass.”

I was happy that they were looking for me, but was shocked that he was not able to find me? How long was I asleep? How long was I even gone. After being assured that my friends were looking for me I replied by saying, “Man, you’re not got going to believe me when I tell you this.”

The phone conversation went totally silent as I could tell that Sam was just waiting for me to continue. All I could hear was the heavy breathing of my friend as I go onto say, “I’m fucking in Africa man!”

There was nothing on the phone, no words were coming from the other end as I could feel as if my friend did not believe me. The only option I had was to go further by telling him that I was on a train, I had no clothes on, and all I saw were lions and tigers.

“Why the fuck are you naked?”

I laughed in the phone, the kind of laugh the carries a large weight of confusion as I said, “I don’t know man, I don’t even remember taking my clothes off.”

My friend was trying to figure out what I was saying, apparently I was not making much sense as he hung up on me after telling me that there was no way in hell I ended up on a train in Africa.

I had no other choice, I was not going to step off of a moving train in this kind of heat, with no clothes on, and deadly predators running wild. I figured the best course of action was to fall back asleep and wait until I got to my final destination.

What feels like four house later I woke up with an AK-47 waving in front of my face being screamed at by an authority figure. Words that I did not understand were being yelled at me, it felt like I was a terrorist in a foreign country. I didn’t understand these people and I’m not sure that they understood me either, after a lot of loud noise I remember being put in the back of a vehicle with a blanket to cover my naked body.

I woke up a few hours later in some kind a jail cell, it was nicer than what I was expecting it to be. I didn’t know where I was or even how I got here. Some people in the cell next to me were talking to me but I was unable to make out anything that was being said, so I just politely nodded and smiled as if I knew what they were talking about.

I even went as far as to say, “I do not know what you are saying,” I said it as polite as possible as they just laughed at me for a reason that was unknown to me at the time.

Just then two black male police officers came and got me, picking me up like a rag doll and throwing me into some other room, this whole time yelling at me in words that I simply did not understand.

And that was one mouth ago, I’m writing this before I go into court, I don’t think I will be coming back for a while.

As it turns out I was in America the whole time. As I understand it I got so high and drunk that I blacked out. According to what my lawyer is tell me I left my friends house the nest morning around ten. I was not in the right state of mind and I stole some ladies car just to take my clothes off.

But no, that’s not where it stopped. After I got naked in her car I proceeded to drive to the zoo and hid my bag of meth in the bushes. And the train I woke up on was the kids train that just happened to be going by all the African animals.

As I write this I’m letting you know what I thought was happening, I don’t think I’ll be coming back any time soon. I’m sorry I put you through this pain, I’m sorry that I was not able to control my addiction. Take care of my son for me, let him know that his father is not a bad man.

I love you, your husband.

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That story did not happen to me, it’s purely fiction, a short story inspired by a story I heard at work, the story was not fiction, however I did change a few things. I do not know if this guy is a father, or what happened to him after, but I do know that he broke into the zoo to ride a kids train while he was naked. And according to the person that told me the story he actually thought he was in Africa and was so messed up that he did not understand his own language.