Not in a Wheelchair

I had a dream the other night. While I can not remember the specifics of said dream. I do remember that my fiance was in it. Tonight she was laying in bed with me asking…

Earlier that day I woke up and looked at my phone to see a text message from Shannon and I can’t really remember what was said, nor do I care to find my phone and go backwards in my text log to find out. But I do remember telling her that I had a dream with her in it, but it wasn’t the bed dream and I shortly explained.

We were laying in bed when she said, “So you had a dream about me that I was mad at you because you didn’t go on a hike with me when we were on vacation.” This lead to me explaining to her what little of the dream I remembered as she asked, “Were you disabled in this dream?” And this was after she said, “Well that just makes me look like an asshole.”

So, as far as that question goes; for those of you who do not know, yes, I am physically disabled and spend the majority of my day in a manual wheelchair. However I’m not disabled in my dreams. I never watch myself walk, I don’t sit there and watch myself walk. Mainly because I can’t walk as well as I used to, but also because it’s hard for anyone to watch themselves walk. So that’s where I think I get that from.

I know that I’m disabled in my dreams, I might even be in my wheelchair, but if I had to run from zombies I could get out of my wheelchair and run like I was trying to get the gold metal in the Olympics.

I remember having dreams where I said something like, “You can’t legally do that, I’m disabled and you can’t discriminate against me in the workplace; and by you taking those actions, you’re not telling me otherwise.” In that same dream I’d end up running the football better than Marshawn Lynch.

She asked me and it made me wonder, “How many people in wheelchairs view themselves the same way in their dreams?”

Video Games with Donald Trump

One night I was playing Madden 17, again. And afterwards I was fucking pissed and wanted to thrown my controller against the wall and blow up my house. Because once again I was playing against some fucking lucky asshole who fucking won the game 25 to 24 by doing stupid shit, that a coach would never do, but fucking this kid was lucky as fuck.

Once again I was playing an idiot at checkers as he kept picking up his chips and fucking slamming the back onto the table in random ass locations while I sat there and yelled at my TV, “How the fuck do you get away with that shit? I’m playing all the right plays based on the fact that you don’t seem to know your ass from a hole in the ground and you just fucking get away with that shit like its the easiest thing you have ever done.”

Then later that night I was laying in bed staring at my phone, this was around the time our fucking dumbass of a fucktard president starting his happy ass executive order bullshit, which…I don’t think any of them have done any good.

It was when he signed his name on shit he didn’t fucking read in the first place, and put the construction of the Dakota Pipeline back into play. That night I was laying in bed on Facebook, I just got done reading “fake news” about how fucking dumb our president is, and I posted on Facebook:

“Donald Trump is like that fucking dude you play Madden 17 with, the kid who decides that going for it on 4th&24 is the smartest idea ever. You know what, you might complete it, but it’s such a risk that you’re most likely going to end up turning it over to me due to an incomplete pass, a sack, an interception, or even a complete pass that doesn’t make it 24 yards. Good job dude, it might work, but if it doesn’t you just contaminated land with oil just because you have fucking ties to a oil company. And no one fucking asked you to be there anyways.”

A few nights ago I was playing Grand Theft Auto Online with one of my friends from Washington State. When we play Grand Theft Auto Online we play with the two of us, no one else. Why? Because everyone else who plays doesn’t seem to do anything besides buy guns just to run around with no rhyme or reason but to kill each other for no fucking reason.

When we play Grand Theft Auto Online we actually like to play co-op missions, and if we go to Freemode to buy food, clothes, weapon, or whatever else; we don’t wan’t to feel like we are being hunted by someone with nothing better to do.

Grand Theft Auto Online is updated all the time, the game is still being played by a lot of people and they make a shit ton of money based on micro-transactions. I never understood that, why do you want to spend real money on fake money?

The new updates seem to be focused on public games, I remember telling Jay, “Grand Theft Auto is not the same as it used to be man, it pisses me off.” But that didn’t seem to have any soft of impact on him until he said…

“Why can’t you access your office in a close friend session?”

Not knowing that much about it I responded by saying, “All these new updates are focused on public games and it seems like you can no longer enjoy the game unless you put yourself in a digital city of serial killers.”

The next day I was in the kitchen doing dishes, we do not have a dishwasher, but we do have a house that is up to A.D.A. regulations. That being said I can sit in my wheelchair for hours and do the dishes. Part of me likes doing the dishes, sometimes I’ll be doing the dishes for 4 hours, and I’m okay with that; gives me a good opportunity to listen to podcasts.

Most of the podcasts I listen to are based in Seattle and are part of ‘99.9 FM KISW the rock of Seattle’. I do listen to others that are atheist based such as ‘Cognitive Dissonance.’ Outside of that I enjoy Joe Rogan’s Podcast from time to time.

I remember a previous episode was talking about the movie Matrix, and from there the topic moved to the fact that the world is 4.5 billion years old even though 40% of Americans think the Earth is 6,000 years old. From that came the idea that 100 years of technology is a very small slice of time when it comes to the history of humans, as we scientifically know it.

That then led into the possibility of a reality that is all digital but is so real that unless your name is Morpheus you would not know otherwise.

So…I came upon a theory that scares me. For the sake of argument let’s assume that the world becomes a giant virtual reality system that feels and looks so real that if you want to go on vacation in Amsterdam and have unprotected sex with a dozen people all you would have to do is sit on your couch in the middle of Oregon.

Now what if you were able to disconnect from the system and go on about your life as you do, but when you connect to it you get put into a would with everyone else that is also connected? Do you think people would do whatever the fuck they want because there was no consequence to their actions?

Like…that got me thinking about those people who commit murder. Like who the fuck does that? Why the fuck would you do that?

But when you’re playing a video game everyone becomes a serial killer. Why? Are people really that much of an asshole?

Like if a Matrix type of video game reality ever exists would you have to wear tactical gear and take a AK-47 and a Desert Eagle with you to the gas station just because someone might try to kill you?

Like people can’t be that fucked up!

What separates real life from a video game? What if there was no separation between the two?

Do people understand that an asshole is an asshole regardless of the platform.

And this is what I was thinking when that guy picked up his checker chip, laughed at me, and then slammed it back to on the table in a random ass location; that just happened to be the right location based on mere luck.

Like…I fear that if that technology ever comes to be the digital world would be filled with people who take actions that don’t seem to make sense to anyone besides them, and will they feel bad because 40 people died in the process of them getting 50,000 dollars?

That’s why we need a president. But…he’s fucking dumb too. I think this is the first time that America has found itself as a CEO who hires a employee that can’t do his job even though he is a very good liar and just like a shady used car salesman he emotionally sold a 250,000 mile vehicle to people that thought they were buying a reliable mode of transportation.

I Have A Problem

Okay, so… did you know that much as cell phone companies claim to have 3G connection country wide, it’s not true! I would imagine that most people don’t drive 1,600 miles from the Pacific Northwest to the Midwest. It’s not something I do all the time, but I got to image that I did it more than most. I drove or rode back or forth from Tacoma, Washington to Lincoln, Nebraska more than a few times.

And here in a few months I will be, once again, driving from Lincoln, Nebraska to Portland, Oregon. Not as long of a drive, but still; only shaves off about 2 or 3 hours, depending on you drive and how often you stop.

So, I got fuck tons of music. Then…I got a new car. Call me weird if you want but considering my music collection and the fact that I have a 160GB iPod. The first thing I notice in a vehicle, other than the fact of rather my wheelchair can fit in the trunk or not, is the radio and rather I can plug my iPod into my cars radio via a USB port. And my car’s stereo has other function such as Bluetooth, Stitcher, Pandora, so on and so forth.

But when you’re in the middle of fucking Wyoming or Montana, good luck listening to anything that uses the internet. And yes, I know, this is not 1995 where the capability of that didn’t even exist.

I can plug my iPod into my car, and it shows me the artist, album, song title, and album artwork; based on the information I plug into iTunes. Which is fucking awesome, the only problem is that system has a limit of 10,000 songs! So that is 8,000 songs that don’t go onto my iPod.

So this is where my problem is…

I made playlists, a few of them, all with more then 200 songs. I did this so I could put a song that I like on a playlist that can go into my car, without exceeding the song limit. So if all 6 or 7 playlists consist of 2,000 songs; that gives me another 8,000. From there I just pick a few of my favorite full length albums, which is more than a few, and dump them on my iPod until I’m close to that limit.

Sounds awesome right?

So I made a playlist of rap or R&B, a few song in are the following songs; from the same album: Akon – Tired of Runnin’ and Akon – Smack That. So, iTunes has a sound check feature, which is supposed to level out all the songs to the same volume…but guess what? That shit does not work like they claim.

When you play the album all of the songs are fairly equal in volume and sound check doesn’t really seem to have an effect as long as you’re playing an album in its entirety. However, when you have a playlist consisting of 1,500 songs, the volume equalization , that is supposed to make your life easier just makes it harder.

If I go to the album and play ‘Tired of Runnin’ before or after ‘Smack That’ both songs are give or take the same volume, to the point that if you’re driving your car you don’t have to worry about reaching for the volume control.

But if I go into the playlist and play both of those songs (same album mind you) both songs are drastically different. It bothers the fuck out of me.Then you also got 700 other songs on that playlist that might be different volumes.

Honestly the only solution I have is to remove all of my songs from iTunes and turn off sound check, adding one album at a time spending the next year making sure album 1A is equal to 2A, 3A, 4A then matching A to B. Just hoping that album 3J is equal to 9Z.

So I guess that’s what I’m going to be doing.

I highly doubt that anyone will have an easier solution, to my method – that might not even work – but I’m taking a shot, if you’re reading this and you’re like, “Hey, do this,” let me know.

You’re Not Thinking

You ever lay in bed looking at your phone and you’re touching your phones screen with your thumb moving it up, as you are scrolling though your news feed you see a picture that either says, “Like this if you would like to party here,” or a picture of a large and/or unique house that says, “Like this if you would like to live here.” Well I’m going to give you a perspective that most of you honestly don’t think about.

You liking one of these pictures does not mean that you hate me, I don’t think that my friends who share this type of photo hate me. I know the majority of my Facebook friends. I’m not one of those types that has 900 friends on Facebook, but only knows 10% of them.

The large majority of my Facebook friends live in Washington State, and at one point in my life I was at a party with them, they were in my car, I lived with them, worked with them; you know those type of people who you actually know.

Then you got my extended family, and fuck…there’s a lot of them. The majority of them are either removed from my news feed and/or restricted unless I publicly post/share something. I don’t want them to see what type of shit I post. I’m known to do stupid shit, stuff that my friends might think is funny…but I don’t need them to know that their cousin, brother, grandson, or nephew can be that dumb.

And the mass majority of my extended family live in Nebraska where you must be a republican who believes in God, some who are more extreme than others. And let’s be honest; I’m an Atheist who believes that people are people and deserve the same rights as every other human being…oh, there is also the idea that I think drugs should be legal, some harder to get then others, but still legal and treated as a medical issue, not a criminal issue that rarely solves the problem.

Mainly they are blocked from my news feed because I don’t know when to shut up. I don’t want to fight with 3 of them who think that Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus or some shit.

Anyhow…I’ll admit, these houses are cool as hell; I’d love to live there. That location is awesome too, having a party there would be awesome. But guess what? I can’t do either of those things.

You don’t think about a wheelchair, and I don’t blame you; that’s like me thinking about how difficult it is to run in two feet of water, it’s not something I do.

And yes, I know, I’m aware that these type of pictures are fantasies and the likelihood of either happening is very small. I would like to do that type of shit too, but for me that would be more work then it’s worth just to be like, “Hey, look where I live.”

I understand this is not your intention, but when I see my friends share one of these type of pictures I cant help but think…

“Okay, so you’re telling me that if you ever get the opportunity to do something cool you’re not going to take me. Why…because I’m too much of a hassle?  You must not care about me as much as you say you do, because to me you just seem like someone that only cares about yourself and how much fun you’re having, you know…I’d like to do it too, but you might not have as much fun because you have to worry about rather I can get from point A to point B, and when I need to move I might need your help to do so.”

Yes, I know I’m taking it too far right? None of these picture indicate to me that any part of these picturesque situations are handicapped accessible. So yea, I know that you probably won’t ever be in the situation, I get that.

Just think about how those of us in wheelchairs might see it. The situation might be different, but you’re more or less telling us in a-round-about way that if you get the opportunity to do something cool,  I’m going to be the last person you think of.

You just want to have fun right?

I Don’t Know You!

I mentioned this in a previous post, a few of them actually. I take Madden way too far, like why do I do this to myself, it’s just a goddamn video game right? So let me paint a picture for you.

Did you ever have that type of day where you wake up in the morning and you feel rather okay about the day, you don’t have any depression but at the same time you feel as if you’re not super excited about the unknown events of the day. You just put your clothes on, tie your shoes, lock the front door, get into your car and think to yourself, “Well, here it goes…just another day of doing the same goddamn thing that I did yesterday.”

But when you’re on your way to work the car in front of you blows up in a fiery explosion that has no sort of explanation as to why. It just happened, right in front of you on a day that seemed fairly normal. You spend the rest of your drive to work thinking, “That was so fucking odd, but it could have been worse, if only I was one-hundred feet ahead of my current location.”

Later that day you’re enjoying the day thinking to yourself that everything is okay because you’re still alive when your boss taps you on the shoulder and says, “Can you come into my office so we can talk?” You end up following him in to his office just to be told, “You’re a shitty employee and we’re going to fire you for no fucking reason, and we not going to pay you either.”

While unrealistic and highly illegal it, just imagine it; how would you feel?

On your way home, you’re sad, you’re depressed, you just don’t know what the fuck you’re going to do; you’re just about to give up and say, “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.” You’re about to just give up when you get this odd feeling that you want to live this day over and over like you’re Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, you have an odd feeling that you can change the events of the day and just as you feel slightly better about your situation a vehicle traveling fifty miles per hour heading towards you enters your lane and heads your direction.

Just as you miss this vehicle by mere inches you look out your drivers side window to notice two things happening…you’re not only falling in a ditch but your tire is also rolling away from you as you think to yourself, “I can’t do anything right; what the fuck did I do do deserve this?”

And then you wake up in the morning to notice that your repeating the events of yesterday but you do have the ability to change the events of the day as you think to yourself, “Okay, today is going to be different.”

Okay, you ever have that moment where you feel like shit and everything you seem to do goes against you, but at the same time you keep repeating that event based on the fact that it can be different and when it’s going your way you feel like nothing can touch you, you feel like Superman as someone laughs at him and says, “I bet you can’t jump two feet in the air.”

Put that feeling into a video game, that might not make sense to a lot of people; but it happens, it happens to me.

One night Shannon came home and I was sitting here with my head rested in my hand that was propped up with the use of my leg. I was staring at the ground while Madden 17 was playing in front of me as the opposing them just passed it for fifty-seven yards and ran it in for a touchdown when they decided to go for it on 4th&32.

She could tell I was upset, angry, sad, reclusive, and all those other emotions that go along with anger. She asked, “Why the fuck do you play this game if it makes you feel like this?”

“Because I enjoy it more then half of the time.”

“Well when you’re all fucking pissy about a goddamn video game, you’re not the only one that is effected, just think about that.”

It’s like my dad fixing a car. My dad grew up poor and worked at a junkyard. His stories might be a little untrue, but from other accounts I know what is true, but I do not know what is false. At one point he had a 1969 Dodge Charger, other then being the most classic car ever, at that time it was green with a yellow top and the paint was highly faded. It’s not like he was taking it to car shows, at that time it was just a cool ass car that he put together from other parts that he found laying around in the junk yard. If I remember correctly the Charger went through seven different engines, fourteen different transmissions, and about forty different sets of tires.

By the time my dad went into the Marines and his cousin, who he doesn’t talk to anymore, sold his car for drug money. His Charger had a huge blower popping out of the hood that help the engine in the production of seven hundred horsepower.

Point is…I remember being a kid and hanging out in the garage with my dad as he worked on his 1984 Pontiac Firebird while holding his tongue and throwing shit at the walls. Twenty some years later I could be hanging out with my dad while he is working on the boat he has been building/manufacturing for the past five years as he sits there and say. “You motherfucking piece of fucking shit, go into the fucking hole, you’re not supposed to not work.”

He can love something at yell too.

So today, I start playing Madden…again. At that time I had a record of one hundred twenty-three wins and eighty loses. So I go into the game feeling pretty good thinking, “I win sixty point five percent of the time.”

It didn’t take me long to realize what type of player that I was playing. Before I go any further I’ll tell you a metaphor that I came up with one night.

I’m not the best player ever, there are many others who are actually better then me, but playing me on madden 17 is like trying to play someone who wants to play checkers on a chessboard. I might not understand the best formations, what they might do, what someone else’s formation might mean, so on and so forth. But when you’re playing checkers against an idiot who picks up his chips and slams them back down in random locations, you just end up shaking your head saying, “This is not how you play this game,” and you just sit there and watch yourself win with minimal effort as they keep doing shit that they think is the smartest idea they ever had.

I was playing this guy who…like all others low ranking players, rush their offense, always go for it on forth down regardless of the distance or the location on the field, pass it for more than thirty yards. He was just lucky as fuck. He was pissing me off too.

I was playing some dude who didn’t seem to know what strategy was, that must have been a foreign concept to him. He kept slamming his chips back down in random locations, it just happened to be the right location every time.

And people who rush their offense bother the fuck out of me, and I’ll tell you why. You only have three timeouts per half, I can’t afford to use timeouts just so I can pick a new play. Of course I can choose an audible, but there are only six of them and he might know all of them and can figure out what to do based on where your players go based on the change of formation.

Eventually I quit, normally when I play this type of player I can own him up and down the field. But he kept doing dumb shit and was lucky every time, and I was limited on what play I was going to run next.

I just didn’t care to play him anymore. so I ran into the back field and gave myself a flag on the play just so I could pause it and quit…yea, sure, he got a win but whatever, I just didn’t want to play him.

I don’t mind losing against someone who actually…knows how the fuck to play without being a lucky asshole.

A few minutes later I get a message from him that says, “Wtf bro, you that bad?”

I don’t know why I let trolls brother me either, I don’t know him, why the fuck should I care?

I reply, “What’s your record?” thinking, “There is no way in hell he has more than forty-three wins over his loses.”

Sometimes when a game is ended by either you, or them, your game does not update and you can not see their record, so I didn’t know what his record was…just based on his play style I can make a pretty safe assumption.

And he kept sending me messages where he was not only calling me a idiot loser who should sell his game but he was probably lying to me just to make himself feel justified for being an asshole.

I didn’t send him anything else but ended up blocking him as I was thinking, “Do you have anything better to do with your time, shouldn’t you be in school?”

I just had to bitch to someone, take it or leave it. I don’t even know how to finish this post that just sounds like a dude bitching about a video game.

There is No Picture

You know what? This is more or less a post where I can talk out loud. So here it goes…

So I grew up in Nebraska and many years before we moved to Washington State my sister and I would go to one of my aunt’s house. My Aunt Cathy who laid in bed all fucking day, and I do mean all day! She would sometimes eat dinner in there too.

At that time she was married to some guy named Pat. I don’t remember much about him but I do remember that he was a tall white dude with a full beard that was a grayish black. Many yeas later I came to find out that he was also an alcoholic.

For the most part when my sister and I went over there for unsupervised daycare I was usually stuck playing Lego’s and watching the old version of Scooby Doo. This pretty much went on until my dad’s sister’s kid’s would come home from school.

My dad has/had 2 brothers and 5 sisters. His sister Joyce has a son named John, John was always at Cathy’s house, so much so that I thought John was one of Cathy’s kids. When school got out I would expect Matt and John to come home, while they were both related they were not brothers. She also had two other sons and one daughter, they were older and must of lived elsewhere because I didn’t see them a lot.

Matt, John, and Jason were pretty much the ones who watched me while their mom/aunt stayed in bed all day.

Without going into more then I plan on, one of her kids is named Ed. And Many years later after being in another state for 15 years as well as forming my own opinions I came to the conclusion that some family members can be so stupid and judgmental that you grow to a point were you don’t want to be around them, and when you’re at the family BBQ at the cabin with 30 other family member’s…you see each other, but no one wants to talk to the other.

When we moved out to Washington State my sister was looking to fit in among her peers and that being so she turned to marijuana. I was still the kid who thought that marijuana would open the gates of hell.

Fast forward to the end of high school, like a year after I graduated (2003); I became a stoner who was slowly turning into an liberal atheist and she turned into the religious republican that still has some amount of Washington State progressiveness to her. For those of you who know Washington State, she now lives up where the Sandpeople do, Spokane. And we used to live 50 miles south of Seattle. Vast change in climate as well as religious and political outlook.

As religious as my sister is, and as religious as I’m not; we don’t seem to fight about it. She still has that idea that, someone can be who they are regardless, as long as you don’t try to force your lifestyle upon me…

My cousin Ed on the other hand, he turned into the stereotype of why I hate Nebraska. He is super religious and acts as if he hates everyone who doesn’t see things his way.

A few nights ago I’m laying in bed staring at my phone, looking at Facebook. As republican as she is, she shared a video that most democrats share. It was about ‘The Wall’ that fucking our dumdass of a fucktard president thinks is a great idea. The video went into several aspects of why a wall between borders would be a waste of money just for a sense of security that is more of less a feeling of false security.

I was shocked, happy, and curious that my sister shared this video so what do I do? I go deeper into that post to read the comments. Right away I see something that I don’t want to see but feel gravitated to look at.

There my cousin is saying, “Let’s protect our country first then reform our schools by putting God back where he belongs! Without a safe country, what good are schools?” The next comment is from my sister who has spent time in Mexico and as part of a church group built houses for those who could not afford to do so on their own accord. She said something that also caught me by surprise, “A wall is not the anwser.”

And me being me I focused on God, so I stick my head into a converstaion that I should not be part of and said, “Oh my… him…okay…” and in a sarcastic understanding behind it I continue with, “Because forcing religion upon an entire country of people is a great idea. Fascism never sounded so good.”

I more or less stayed out of the conversation that came afterwards, mainly because I left the comment at four in the morning and I was sleeping. More or less the conversation was: My cousin telling me that I was mad at God, my sister calling him out because he is an asshole even though he may not see it, my sister telling my cousin that she agreed with me, she loves illegal immigrants who work hard to get here, even thought they shouldn’t be, she loves both of us and doesn’t want family to fight, and then she called me out for stirring the pot and being just as bad but on the other end of the seesaw.

So what to I do? Comment with, “I‘m just saying that if you’re okay with the Bible being in school, you must be okay with the Quran, or the teachings of evolution…if you’re not, that my friend is not what religious freedom is. If you think it is you need to get a plane ticket to the Washington D.C. and go to the Capitol building, report back to me what the first amendment is.”

I don’t know if there is any point to this post. I just, every time I look at Facebook I just get really sad and makes me wonder, “When will these people wake the fuck up and say to themselves…who the fuck did I vote for?”

Even republicans can’t be this dumb. Like…what the fuck dude, you guys voted for someone who acts like a kid when someone on a TV show makes fun of him, and you thought that would have been an okay thing to do?

Let’s not mention the few things he did in the last few days that can or will have bad outcomes.

 

 

I Wish

It was 11:57 at night after looking back up at my TV/computer monitor that was sitting on the post game screen of Madden 17.

Last night I was having an excellent time playing Madden 17 and I’m currently on a nine game winning streak, and that’s only because some dude playing as the New England Patriots thought that going for it on 4th down was the smartest idea he ever had.

I can’t act like this kid wasn’t lucky, he was, he just kept doing stupid shit. He was so lucky that he was winning by two points, not two possessions, two points in the fourth quarter. when there was thirty seconds left in the forth quarter and he could of won by doing nothing…he had the smartest idea ever.

He passed the ball to one of my players who intercepted it in field goal range…and me being the type that doesn’t do stupid shit, I slowly made it 1, 2 ,6, or 7 yards up the field, I wasn’t trying to get a touchdown.

With four seconds left on the clock I win the game 19 to 18.

So the fact that I have 97 wins and 64 loses is because no one seems to understand that they take risks that make me shake my head at the TV and say, “Are you fucking stupid?”

Maybe I take the game too seriously, it’s just a video game right? I’ve been thinking about that. When it’s a close game my heart beats super fast, I have not felt that since I was a kid in elementary school who used to be able to run.

If I’m winning I feel rather good about it, and if I’m losing I’m the type of guy who wants to take his controller outside and pour lighter fluid on it while I watch it burn in the driveway.

So yea, maybe I do take it too far…maybe it just gets my heart going which…for someone in a wheelchair…

Anyhow I get done with a game and I think, “I can fucking go to the store.” My fiance is currently in Oregon seeing her family. So I got the house to myself as I continued that thought with, “No one is stopping me.”

The store by my house used to be open 24 hours, but now they close at midnight. So after looking that up on my phone I said out loud, “But Hyvee is open all fucking night.”

Then I looked up from my phone and saw a bottle of whiskey that I’ve been drinking most of the night and out loud I said, “Nope, I’m not fucking going now.” I then continued the idea in my head thinking: If I get a DUI tonight…that would be the worst thing ever. I can’t really afford car insurance now, I don’t need it to go up by getting SR-22, I can’t afford a lawyer, I don’t want to call my dad and tell his that he has to fund the fact that I fucked up, which he might not do anyhow. I need to go to the airport in X amount of days, what if I don’t have a car. I’m about to move to Oregon, what if I don’t have a car. What if I get a parole officer who says, “You can’t leave the state of Nebraska.”

And if I do end up in court…I don’t want my disability to become a question of rather I can even drive. A lawyer will use anything to win, fuck if it’s irrelevant to the case…they don’t know any better, and when my disability effects everybody differently it’s hard to scientifically predict what might happen just because someone else was effected that way.

So, “Nope, I don’t need trash bags that bad, I can wait until tomorrow.”

Unfortunately one of my best friends in Washington is on 1 year of house arrest with work release and 2 more years of probation due to his second DUI that almost killed him and totaled his SUV when it flipped over and ran into a tree. My other friend, no matter how stupid he might be…is still my friend who thinks that if he goes driving drunk he will never get caught, even thought he already did.

I just remember looking at my half empty bottle of whiskey thinking, “I wish more of my friends thought this way.”