My Anger Turned Into An Addiction

So I got a problem, sometimes, actually every time I’m confronted with this issue I don’t know how to deal with it, but for some reason that anger has turned into an addiction that still causes me anger. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

I know not to get in that state of mind, but I keep doing it. Makes me wonder how others are able do it without being so angry for something so simple. I really do think I have a problem.

It’s not drugs, not alcohol, it’s a video game. Madden 16 to be more specific.

I started playing people online. In many ways it annoys me…but I keep doing it, over and over until I want to take my controller outside and pour lighter fluid on it just to watch it burn.

There are a few things that bother me about other people who play online. People who always go for it on 4th down, even 4th & 22…and they somehow get the first down every time. On one hand I’m saying, “If you win by playing that way, you win playing that way,” and the other part of me says, “What the fuck are you doing asshole.”

Then there are those people that go for a 2 point after every touchdown, that just pisses me off. And for those of you that can actually do it time after time…I just picture you sitting in front of your TV saying, “Ha ha, you fucking asshole, you suck at this game.” And all you do it shove it in my face.

I don’t even know what my record is…I think I got 22-35 or something like that. I’ve been going though streaks. I win a few in a row, then I lose a few in a row, then I win, then I lose.

I can’t really blame them, when I’m winning I just play, and I feel good at the same time. But I don’t do stupid shit like go for it on 4th & 5 or try a 2 point conversion when I don’t need to.

When I’m losing I turn into someone that I don’t like seeing. My heart beats really fast, my hands sweat, I actually feel like my life is part of that game for however long. Even if I’m winning.

Sometime I have room to chill out, like if it’s 21 to 3, then I can kinda stop trying to play and just keep running out the clock.

But if I’m losing I automatically assume they are the worst person on the planet. I’m not a violent person but I wish I could mod the game so every time they score my defender in the field goal block would pull out a gun and shoot the kicker.

That sounds really bad now that I actually say it, I’m not a violent person, I don’t wish violence on anybody. Even if they say all Mexicans are drug dealers that somehow steal our jobs without a social security number or want to ban everyone in a religion from entering the country because of a few bad people.

Something about that game and losing turns me into the worst person ever, and it’s just a God damn video game, why do I allow myself to feel like I want to turn on my mic and start yelling at them to tell they how shitty of a human being they are?

I’m not like that, why do I do it?

Part of wonders if it’s because I can’t physically play football. Like Marshawn Lynch didn’t get this mad when he lost because it’s all about that action boss. But they get paid, a lot, a lot of fucking money…even if they lose.

I don’t know…I guess I’ll stop playing…but I don’t want to…but I should…but I don’t want to…but it makes me angry…but its fun…but…

 

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