Coming Out

I think growing up with a physical disability has gave me the ability to learn a task that many people have a hard time with. I think the idea of being proud of who you are has made it easier for me to come out of the closet.

As some of you know I grew up with a physical disability that only got worse over time. 32 years later I can’t really walk without the help of assistance. I used to be able to run, jump, and skip; and I’m glad I got to experience that, as I just said that time is long gone. Even with the idea that I could walk it was easy for anyone to make the assumption that I had a difficult time walking.

I took my first step when I was 11 months old, after falling on the floor I did not attempt to try again for another 2 years and some change.

In elementary and middle school I had a difficult time at school. I had a good life all in all, my parents loved the hell out of me and the few friends that I had gave me the sense of friendship, but school, school was an entirely different story.

One of the first things I have ever noticed about school were kids, males to be more specific, were always picking on me because I was different. I wanted to be popular like any other kid in school and I spent 8 years trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. How I was trying to fit in, with the knowledge that I had at that time in my life, my plan only backfired on me.

By the time I got into 8th grade I had 30 people making fun of me, I didn’t understand it like I do now. Nonetheless school wasn’t a very fun time for me.

Then my dad told me we were moving to Washington State. Like most kids I was sad that I had to leave all my friends behind, but at the same time I was looking forward to moving to a new area based on the fact that no one knew who I was.

Luckily for me a talk show turned my life around. The night before we left the state of Nebraska I was watching TV at two in the morning. There is nothing on TV at two in the morning and after going through the channel lineup three times I stopped on a show that remotely captured my interest.

I wrote about this and a few other experiences in school if you care to dive into my blog that doesn’t seem to have a purpose. But to summarize it, “The only reason people make fun of you is because you give them the reaction that they are looking for.” That really stuck with me. It was like a light bulb was stuck in the back of my head and someone finally decided to flip the switch.

From that point on my life completely changed, I experienced things I only dreamed about in years prior. I became fairly popular, not on the same level as the quarterback or the hottest cheerleader, but when someone gives you 200 pennies and you only had 6 cents you notice a difference.

And people stopped making fun of me because I was no longer giving them the reaction that they were looking for. I stopped trying to shove a round peg into a square hole only to find out that the shape changed to fit my personality.

Part of it had to do with the fact that people grow up and from that came maturity. But if someone tried to make fun of me I didn’t try to get them to like me. And throughout my late high school years I learned how to make fun of myself while remaining humorous to anyone that witnessed that act.

Making fun of myself while having a good sense of humor in the process was by far the best skill that I have ever learned.

Throughout my years living in both states I developed a new perspective on life. I was no longer ashamed of who I was. I developed the idea that I was who I was, and if you didn’t like me for whatever reason it was a waste of my time to try to get you to like me and therefore the people that didn’t like me and/or were trying to make fun of me did not get the reaction that they were looking for.

Because in all reality I didn’t care. Of course in bothered me to a certain extent, but I just came from a place where I experienced that everyday for the past 10 years. I wasn’t going to do it again.

Understanding that you are better than what some people assume you to be can go very far.

That is one of the main reasons why I consider Washington State my home. Other than a good home life that I had while living in Nebraska – the first time – my social life became something that I have always dreamed about. And from there came a lot of other factors such as people, religion, politics, so and and so forth. If you ask me I grew up in Washington State, I was just plated in Nebraska until I was born.

Now, for those of you reading this expecting me to tell you that I’m gay, I’m sorry, I’m not gay. But it got to read this far didn’t it?

Growing up in a republican and religious household I was raised to think it was bad to be gay. And the few friends that I had back then, they thought it was bad to be gay too, mainly because of their religious background, which I’ll talk about here in a bit.

In Washington I got to know many gay people, many of them became my friends. However there was this one dude named Matt who I stopped hanging out with because he kept giving me long and uncomfortable hugs every time we ended up at the same house party. I’m flattered that he thought that I was hot or whatever. And I could give two shits if he had sex with other men, who the fuck cares. But if I feel like you’re only hanging out with me because you wanted to suck my dick…then… And if I was gay it might have happened, but I’m not so it didn’t.

Washington state is a lot more progressive than Nebraska. On a much larger scale the west coast in general is a lot more progressive than a large majority of places that most refer to as the mid-west.

I never had a issue with the fact that Matt was homosexual. I just didn’t want to hang out with someone that only wanted me for my body. And I’m sure a lot of women can relate to that. But gay people are not gay people, if you ask for my progressive view on it, gay people are just people who happen to be sexually attracted to members of the same sex. That’s just the label we put on it. If I call you gay, I mean no offense to it. That’s like my being offended because you called me straight.

My fiance and I are not going to get married until we move to Oregon mainly because her family is in Oregon, she used to be a party planner and therefore has a lot of connections, all of the people who I want to be my groomsman live in Washington and all of her friends that she wants as bridesmaids, with the exception of one who lives in California, live in Oregon.

Considering the fact that we are both Atheists our wedding ceremony will not be of a religious nature. Her uncle is homosexual, and he is a pretty cool guy. Not only is he a DJ for weddings but he is legally allowed to marry a couple. She is going to see if he will want to, which I don’t mind. It just makes me wonder what my religious family members would think if they knew.

And to be honest I don’t care, it’s not their wedding.

Now…I’m not gay so I can’t put myself in their shoes. I can only assume, and even then I don’t know. I don’t understand why it is so hard for kids to come out of the closet. Religious parents that might disown them because of their sexual preferences. While that is horrible, I can understand that fear. I can’t relate to it but I can understand it.

And if someone disowns you because of their religious views…that just sounds like an asshole to me. Those parents have issues, they are just using religion as a fucked up but reasonable excuse to do so.

So the whole reason I started this post is because one day I was sitting around having random thoughts like I tend to do, and I started thinking about all those kids who don’t believe in God but are afraid to tell their parents. They must live several years pretending to be someone their not just to give his or her parents a false sense of security.

I don’t really understand that either. I remember telling my mom and dad that I didn’t believe in God. It never came up in conversation but there was always a hint of it.

In 10th grade, before I had a lot of friends, I was invited to this house party and for whatever reason I ended up going. Later on I found out that the kid who invited me graduated a year prior and was a major drug dealer, user, and had a shit ton of sex with people. He had this party as a way of telling people about God.

I went through a brief religious stage, but never bought into it. After that I decided I was an Agnostic, someone who believed in a higher power but thought that region was bullshit.

A few years after that episode I dropped the very loose belief that I had to become a full out Atheist. I don’t need to go into what I do or don’t believe due to the fact that I don’t want to offend people.

Point being…I was made fun of as a child, more so than most, and my life totally turned around later in life. That being said, I’ll tell you who I am, I’ll tell you what I believe and if for some reason people decide that they don’t like me then I guess they don’t like me. I’m not going to try to fit into a mold I don’t fit into just to please you only to make myself sad.

However I do try to listen to peoples options and try to weigh the positives and negatives of such, I might slightly change my point of view on a certain topic.

I must say…whatever religion you follow, no matter how stupid it might seem, it’s what you do, it’s what makes you happy. As long as you’re not being physically violent to someone else then who the fuck am I to tell you how you can or can not be happy?

However Disowning your own child due to their sexual preference is emotionally violent, if you are that type of parent just think about that…put your own feelings aside for awhile and think about the happiness of your child. And don’t assume that you know what makes your child happy, because you don’t.


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