Talking to Myself: Part 5,378,988.9


Dat ass doh. Look at that man, or woman, that is a nice ass ain’t it?

I felt like I had to write about something, the problem is…I don’t know what to write about. I guess I’m just going to go off the cuff and say whatever comes to my mind that is like a train track with a drunken engineer and no conductor. Last night I was lying in bed with my soon to be wife and she was rubbing my lower torso, that being said my penis was ready to go like a soldier standing at attention. A while passed, we were still lying there and she asked, “What are you thinking about,” and she should know by now that she never gets the answer she is expecting when I said, “How you can get kicked out of a game of football for abusing penalties.”

Last night I was playing Madden 16. Coming from someone who used to live in the general Seattle area, someone who now refers to that area of the country as their home I was playing as the Seahawks. I went to the Superbowl, and won, under the franchise mode, now I’m playing a fictional 2017 season. Not like the game is not really fictional anyways, but after the Superbowl I went though the off season, the NFL draft, and even signed some college players, who are most likely fictional. Anyhow I now have a team with new players, some of the same, same couch, but new team and new season technically.

Anyhow to continue with what I was saying, I recently started playing head-to-head with random people online…again. Last time I did that was when I was still playing Madden 10.

The first game I had was against this dude who was playing as the Patriots, sometimes you can get a feel of who you are playing against. I can’t lie to you, I can’t sit here and tell you the difference between 3-4 and 4-3 offence. I know, that makes me a bad person right? I’m from Nebraska and don’t know how to grow corn or the difference between nickle and dime defenses.

Anyhow this person that I was playing did not seem like they knew what they were doing, maybe they did and just didn’t care. But he, or she, was way too blitz happy and that being said I could not run the ball for more than a yard or two. I only had a limited amount of time in the pocket, the game I was forced to play was a pass game, but I could only pass the ball a maximum of 20 yards, most of the time only passing 5 to 10; slowly making my way down the field.

He didn’t run the ball ever, unless he scrambled; and most of the time when he scrambled he would drop back 10 yards or more to attempt a 40 to 50 yard pass.

But they were lucky and connected on a few of the passes, but he kept going for it on 4th and 10, or even 4th and 20. So I would get back the ball often, on my own side of the field too. Once I got 30 yards away for the end zone I would just run it even if I didn’t go anywhere. My goal was to waste as much of the clock as possible and get a field goal if I didn’t get a touchdown.

Just like every other player, he quit the game with one minute left in the forth quarter, and this was after he passed it for 30 yards right into the hands of one of my players. As far as I’m concerned I won that game 10 to 13. Even if I did punt it on 4th down he wouldn’t have enough time to make it within field goal range.

The next game I played was with someone playing as Green Bay. I got 7 point on the board within the first minute of the first quarter due to a fumble on the kick off return. They quit at halftime when the score was 20 to 0.

Then I played someone who was playing as Denver. This person knew more about football then I did. He kept sacking my quarterback from the outside, he would stop Lynch on the inside, the coverage was too good and every pass was either picked off or incomplete.

At one point when the game was at 14 to 0 in the second and I knew I couldn’t go anywhere I ran the ball backwards into his end zone and gave him a safety making in 16 to 0. Before I started playing I said to myself, “I’m not going to quit this game because I hate it when people do it to me.”

I’m amazed how emotional I can get when playing football. If I’m winning I feel like I’m on top of the would, when I’m losing I end up yelling at my TV saying, “Just fucking punch him in the helmet, who cares if you get kicked out of the game for unsportsmanlike conduct, just fucking hit that motherfucker in the God damn helmet.”

When he hit me so hard that I fumbled the ball on a running attempt, after he ran it in for a touchdown and made the game 36 to 7 I just kept going forward on his PAT attempt. Kept getting a penalty and forcing him to attempt it again, when I would just run forward…again.

So I got kicked out of the game for abusing that system. Why he didn’t decline it and get the extra point anyways is beyond me.

So that is why I was thinking that.

Speaking of video games, Fallout 4 man. that’s all I’m saying.

I’m leaving work early tomorrow, taking 4 hours of my vacation to come home and plant myself in front of the TV with a 16 ounce can of Monster.


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