Grass is Always Greener

That’s what my friend said as I sat there and said, “I wish I can do that.”

Shannon and I own a house that we do not live in yet! Why? Because it is inaccessible for me. My dad who lives 150 miles north is a smart ass dude, sometimes I sit there and wonder, “How the fuck do you know that.” My dad is helping to remodel our house so I can get around in it.

He needs to replace the majority of the plumbing in the house, make a ramp for me to get into the house via a wheelchair, and known down some walls just to either make it wider or to put a 36″ or a 32″ door in place of 24″ or 28″ doors.

And the doors are not really doors, they’re just nifty holes in the wall with a door attached to it. If you don’t know anything about doors, the majority of doors that you see sit inside a frame and the frame sits inside the wall.

Anyhow, my dad was up here and we were driving back to my house when I called Eric, “Hey do you know anything about pouring concrete and making retaining walls?” That’s his job in Washington, so I knew damn well that he did.

Later that night after some discussion about him not being able to make it to my house to help he sent me a text, “I’ll be there tomorrow night.”

The next day, after making a trip to Home Depot, I’m sitting on my deck watching my soon to be best man help my dad as they build a box to act as the form for the retaining wall.

Eric is standing on the deck with his utility belt on that was loaded with nails, hammers, a drill, a level, and other things that are meant to make his job easier.

On aside note, Eric and my dad used to go fishing without me; which is kind of odd, but whatever. Eric is also friends with my dad, that’s weird to me. But they have a different relationship that you do not expect to see out of the friend of a father’s son.

While Eric is standing on my deck talking to me about some random ass shit my dad is digging up the dirt where this wall is supposed to go.

I look at Eric, “You know man, I wish I could do that shit,” Eric looked at me and squinted his eyes and said, “Why the fuck do you want to do this?”

“So I can like fucking have a bonding moment with my dad.”

“Yea I get it, but do you know how much I wish I could sit on my ass and watch people do this shit; and no one will actually expect me to do anything besides sit here and talk.”

Like I was kinda sad, I saw the teamwork between Eric and my dad and I wish I was able to do it. I actually felt like, I can’t really describe it. I felt like a fly on the wall who was urging to do things that the humans were.

The last thing Eric said was, “The grass is always greener on the other side.”


Music & Shit

So, first of all; I’m bored and I feel like writing about something. All of a sudden it hit me like a two year old who didn’t get his way.

Awhile back I saw that picture on Facebook and I want deep into it. I was thinking about something I should of done, but didn’t; because even if I know close to 95% of my friends on Facebook, they don’t really care and if they did looked at it they didn’t respond to it.

So, if you one, like music, and two, like reading stories about shit; keep reading. I also figured that this will give me something to write about. Some good, some depressing, some just, whatever.

If you read my post from yesterday, my future father-in-law is currently sitting in the kitchen listening to fucking light classical music, at a high enough volume that anyone in the house can hear it. I’m drowning it out by sitting in the office listening to my massive music library.

Light classical music is as relaxing as a man with overgrown fingernails who is on PCP as he feverishly scratches at a chalkboard when he tries to open the door to another dimension.

So let’s get into it. Be aware, some up my stories might have irrelevant information. Like it has to do with my life and ties into the story somehow, but the train conductor in my brain might switch tracks when I didn’t tell him to.

By the way, if the song is hyperlinked and you click on it, it will, or should, open another tab to YouTube so you can listen to said song. There will be some songs that some of you don’t know and you might be curious to hear it based upon my story or whatever.

#1. A song that I like with a color in the title.

The Rolling Stones – Paint it Black

You know, I don’t really have a story that goes with this song I just picked it because it was a song that I liked, it also had a color in it. Don’t fucking tell me that black is not a color, it’s a pigment, “Shut the fuck up,” I don’t care.

#2. A song that I like with a number in the title.

Brotha Lynch Hung – Die 1 By 1

Okay, so I have a few stories with a guy, his name is Eric, he is about to be the best man at my wedding that is coming up here in like 6 months. I’ve known Eric since 1998 when I moved to Washington State. I only know him because he came over to my house one day because he thought my sister was hot.

But whatever. They were in 8th grade while I was in 9th. Regardless of how it happened, over the past 20 years we have became the best of friends, I have some funny stories with him in them, like this one.

At one point, after high school, he had a friend named Shannon; not my fiance, another Shannon. At the time Eric lived on the other side of the block as me and Shannon lived in another neighborhood that was down the main road by less than a mile or whatever.

Eric drove over to my house one night and I can’t remember why but at one point he said, “Check this shit out, this guy is sick,” sick meaning two things in this case; good and bad. “Shannon showed this rapper to me.” Return of the Baby Killa  was playing and after listening to lyrics for a bit I had a blank stare on my face as I looked in the direction of the CD deck that he had in his truck and said, “This is fucked up.”

But I also knew that it was fictional no matter how fucked up it was.

From there I became a fan of him and have all three studio albums that he released under Strange Music.

I just picked this song because it has the number one in the title.

#3. A song that reminds me of summer.

I was about to pick Will Smith – Summertime, and now that I sit here and listen to this song in the background it does remind me of summer, but I was like 7 years old when the song came out and even in middle school 7 years later, it was an old song and the memories I have connected to it are very vague.

Instead I picked Bubba Sparxxx – All the Same. This album came out in 2001, I graduated high school in 2002, and my son was born in 2003.

My kids mother is named Heather and she was living in her own apartment when she was 16, at the time she was getting a lot of money from her fathers death. Did she save any of it? No, we were both too young to understand the importance of doing so. But that is a different story by itself, and not even my story to tell.

When I was in tenth grade, in 2000, she broke up with her boyfriend just to go out with me. We didn’t even date for three weeks when she broke up with me just to go out with the guy that she broke up with to go out with me. At that time a new high school was done with construction so I switched schools based on the fact that the large majority of my friends were going to the new school and Heather and I were no longer together so I didn’t see any point in staying at that school anyhow.

While I’m talking about it… this is totally a non-linear story. That high school I transferred to was down a hill by itself, a few years after graduation a middle school was built right next to it. Seventeen years later, without even knowing that I was going to have a kid at the time, my 14 year old son is going to school right next to my old high school.

Back to the story, fast forward two years; I’m now a senior in high school and have not seen Heather since two years prior. I had a neighbor, who ironically went out with Eric at one point, her name was Jenna and she was in band at the other high school.

I drove home one day, I had a friend in my car, we had to drive by Jenna’s house to get to my house. We stopped to talk to Jenna in her driveway because in the happy squirrelly yell that girls do  she yelled, “Dan.”

She had someone there, I didn’t know until I looked in the car, it was Heather, her boyfriend, and her friend named Shannon. She was apparently attracted to me again and for the last few weeks of high school she dumped him to go back out with me.

From that point in time her boyfriend, Heather, and me went out on and off more times than a person on ecstasy can orgasm from hugging a speaker. Our son was boor in 2003, but at that point this story is done.

After graduating from high school, she also graduated the same year. This album, Dark Days, Bright Nights, was stuck in my CD player; so that summer was the summer of that album. She lived downtown and I lived up on the hill, we were also kids, we had jack shit to do. I went over there often, always listening to that song or that album.

So to make all of that really short, that is why that song reminds me of summer.

#4. A song that reminds me of someone I’d rather forget about.

Crazy Town – Butterfly

Time is weird, if I was asked this question in 2008 I’d give you a totally different answer.

To go back to the story that I just told you, in 2001 I was going to a different high school and ended up going out with this chick named Christina. This was when I lost my virginity, not like you really care; but it is information I guess.

We were driving down Meridian one day for some reason, I drove a 1988 Mazda 323 at the time. This song was playing on the radio, 104.9 Funky Monkey at that time, and she turned it up and said, “This is my favorite song.”

I broke up with her later due to her extreme depression that was suicidal, mainly attention driven. As much I wanted to help, it got to the point where it was effecting my emotional health and I wasn’t as happy as I used to be.

#5. A song that I play loud.

Wrekonize – Clones

I have not paid attention to the lyrical content of this song, but by taking a rough guess I assume it is about being different then everyone else who all do the same shit.

I picked this song mainly because this song fucking kills it in my 2015 Chevy Malibu, I love bass man, and I don’t have subs in my car; but it feels like it. I also like Wrekonize.

#6. A song to make me want to dance.

Krizz Kaliko – Get Around

Okay, so with the fact that I spend the majority of my day in a manual wheelchair, I can’t dance. Don’t tell me I can, I can move to the beat, I know; but I can’t dance the way most people think of it and I mainly chose this song because it has a memory attached to it.

Back in like 2010 or so I had a job, the same job but in a different location, I lived in Puyallup used to work in Auburn but then they transferred me to Seattle. That was 56 miles and in the summer I didn’t mind taking public transit, but when it get to those 9 months of rain I start driving, and fuck I put a lot of mileage on my car 2,240 miles a month. I eventually quit that job, even though I was afraid of not finding another job.

King Street Station is not too far away from Centrylink Field, the train that left Puyallup around 4:30 in the morning would arrive in Seattle about half an hour later due to all the stops along the way. I remember getting up on the ground level and going towards the place where I had to wait for the bus to pick me up just so they could take me to work. Rolling by the tallest building in Seattle and looking to my right to see the famous blue and green lights on the arch’s of the stadiums roof.

Seattle is a weird place to be at 5 in the morning.

It was typical for me to listen to music from the time that I got on the train to the time that I got on the bus in Seattle. I remember stopping on the sidewalk to smoke while this song was playing, and since I like to turn everything into a drum I remember slapping the frame of my wheelchair to this beat while people were walking by staring at me.

#7. A song to play when driving.

Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

Why the fuck not? This is a good fucking song, I know all the lyrics, I try to sing it without the N word.

White kids you do that shit and say some shit like, “It end with an ‘a’ so it is a totally different word,” No dude, it’s not; I’m not black or whatever so I fail to see it from their perspective no matter how had I try, but come on man. Just because I make a Facebook post that says, “Imma gonna flip dis shit cuz itz dum as fuk,” does not mean I meant something different than, “I’m going to flip this shit because it’s dumb as fuck.”

Anyhow, I like that song. I remember watching that video on MTV back in the days of…well MTV, I was about 13 years old maybe.

#8. A song about drugs or alcohol.

Kottonmouth Kings – Litas

Sometime in my junior year of high school I had a friend named Lance who had the booklet that came with their High Society album. I had no clue who Kottonmouth Kings were nor was I smoking weed yet, I didn’t smoke weed until after graduation, sometime in 2003.

He showed me the “poster” that was in the booklet and said, “That is a lot of bud.” At the time I didn’t know how much weed that was, but it was like a pound, maybe half a pound, whatever, it was a lot.

One day I’m driving around and as I’m listening to the radio I hear “This year at Seattle Hempfest join Kottonmouth Kings and others on the main stage.”

I was a big fan of Kottonmouth Kings at this point and other than Eminem, and Tech N9ne; they were my most listened to group. I was dating Heather at the time, remember her from the previous story? She did not like the fact that I smoked weed as often as I did when I was like 21 years old or whatever but she told me, “You got to go, if you don’t go you’re going to be mad that you didn’t.”

Long story short I saw Kottonmouth Kings at Seattle Hempfest 2004.

You got this song that came out in 2009, this was one of my favorite songs on their Cloud Nine album.

#9. A song that makes me happy.

Tom Petty – Big Weekend

I don’t know why this song makes me happy, just an upbeat feeling I guess. I’ve listened to this song a lot when I was hanging out with Eric, so maybe that has something to do with it.

#10. A song that makes me sad.

Stained – Believe

When I upgraded my computer to Windows 10 I lost most of my music library, but I remember giving a copy of it to my friend Mandy. She lived in Washington and at the time I lived in Nebraska. One year I went to Washington for Christmas and not only did I get my music back but I also got her music.

If you can’t tell by now I like rap, she likes metal; so now I have about an equal amount of metal as I do with rap, but there are a few different genre’s in there too.

Anyways, one day I’m sitting there going though my “new” music and I was just playing songs in the background while I was doing something else, drawing maybe. This song started playing and I stopped whatever I was doing and a few seconds later I had tears dripping out of my eyes.

You can read more about this, like right here, but due to my situation in life I feel like I’m letting everyone down; and I have very little control over it. The lyrics had a definite impact on me.

Heather broke up with me mainly because I was unable to financially support her, I just hope that I do not lose Shannon for the same reason. At this point I can say confidently that I won’t, but if it’s what you know; you still think about it. I’m also worried that her dad will stereotype me as a lazy bastard that doesn’t want a job.

I can understand it from an outside perspective, but they don’t know mine; and it sucks. If you don’t know me, that’s all you see; you don’t know that I’m applying to jobs quite often.

#11. A song that I never get tired of.

Rittz – Switch Lanes

You know, I’m sure I’ll get tired of this song at some point, but this, this song should be everybody’s introduction to Rittz.

I love this songs hypnotic beat with it’s relaxing vocals of Mike Posner. This would be a good song to drive to, kinda has that whole drive two miles per hour so everybody sees you vibe to it.

I got to say, if you like music for lyrical content, something that tells a story; you need to listen to Rittz’s whole music library. Just based upon this songs vibe I think it will take a very long and overplayed time to get tired of this song.

#12. A song from my preteen years.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – Good Vibrations

All I can say about this song is, in 1991 I was 7 years old, I was born in 1983, but at the end of it; so if you did the math it would tell you I was 8, and yes I was but not until the end of November.

I remember this song playing on the boombox, back in the days when you fucking like recorded mix’s by sitting there and trying to press record on the tape deck when the song came on.

Back in the day I was able to run, jump, and skip. I remember standing in my backyard in Lincoln, Nebraska dancing to this song like it was the best thing ever. It made my mom laugh and smile.

#13. One of my favorite songs from the 80’s.

Metallica – Harvester of Sorrow

There’s not many songs from the 80’s that I like, music in the 80’s just kinda sucked. All I did was name a band that has been out for like what, 35 years now, and just picked my favorite song from any of their albums from the 80’s.

#14. A song that I want played at my wedding.

I don’t have a song in my personal music library that fits into the category unless I’m joking.

#15. A song that is a cover.

Seether – Careless Whisper

I’ve always liked this chorus, even though I do not remember listening to this song as a kid and as I got older my musical taste has become what it’s became. I can’t really say anything about it.

#16. My favorite classical song.

Look out! It’s a man on PCP screaming about the upside down.

I don’t, I can’t fit into what they intend. I kinda altered the “question.”

Do you know how hard it is to find original songs by Jimi Hendrix on YouTube? I can find covers from random ass people who noone fucking knows or live version of said song. If you don’t know this song, you need to find it.

I went with Jimi Hendrix – Red House

#17. A song I would sing a duet with someone at karaoke.

Supertramp – Take the Long Way Home 

Fuck no I would not sing at karaoke, I don’t even know if this song is a duet. I just like it and I thought about singing. That’s what I came up with.

This song will always remind me of buying beer at HyVee. Why? Because it was being played over the speakers and I was in a good mood as I thought, “I like this song.”

#18. A song from the year that I was born.

Metallica – Seek & Destroy

1983. Once again go to the same logic I used in #13, I was just hoping they had an album that was released in 1983.

#19. A song that makes me think about life.

Prozak – Blood Paved Road

Speaking of lyrical content… Prozak has some political deep shit, kinda like a rap version of Rage Against the Machine.

This song makes me think about life, because I’ll set there and look at people, me included, and think many things about where we were, where we came from, what we did, what we’re doing, the lesson learned or not learned from that, so on and so forth.

I also have a thought that some have, some don’t, some might think I’m weird for it; mthe human race is going to end up destroying itself.

#20. A song that has many meanings to me.

Pearl Jam – Jeremy

Okay so, when I was a little kid growing up in a red state, i.e. Nebraska, my dad made me a wooden table in the basement that was about 7 feet in width and 15 feet in length running from wall to wall. Remember the days when Music Television or MTV actually played music videos all day besides for like Beavis and Butthead or whatever.

You know, my mom does not remember this, or maybe she does; but when you bring it up she act like it never happened. If you’re from a bigger city like Tacoma, Seattle, or Portland like, the news only covers so much because so much shit happens in the course of a day that they got to like tell you about the important shit.

Well in Lincoln, Nebraska in the early 90’s the population of Lincoln was not not as big as it is now, and it’s still pretty small. They covered every fucking thing that happened that day, down to your mom picking her nose in public.

My mom is the type of lady that reads or sees something and think it is a common occurrence or some shit.

Back in the day there was this story on the news, or at least this is what I was told, about this kid who watched Beavis and Butthead and thought it was a completely logical action to set his carpet on fire. So guess what, my mom didn’t want me to watch Beavis and Butthead because she was afraid I’d burn our house down.

Anyhow, this table that I was talking about had a train set on it.

The first thing I think about is being a small kid watching this train go around in circles over and over, sometimes switching the tracks to make it travel in a different circle while I was watching this music video in the background on a big ass, heavy ass TV in standard definition.

This also didn’t make sense to me until later in life, but the lyrical content kind of reminds me of my childhood. I was made fun of a lot back in the day, I talked about it in a few posts, but I was the disabled kid in school, I was an easy target for those kids that looked for popularity by making fun of a defenseless kid. At one point I had 30 kids making fun of me on a daily basis.

Then my life turned around when I moved to Washington State, I wrote about that a few times but you can also read about it here. Do I need to say anything more about Pearl Jam at this point?

Seattle bro, come on.

#21. A favorite song of mine with someones name in the title.

Once again, do you know how hard it is to find an original song of Jimi Hendrix on Youtube? I went with The Wind Cries Mary, but once again I find shitty covers and live stuff that sounds like shit.

While I’m talking about Jimi, nevermind, just read it here.

#22. A song that moves you forward.

Mudvayne – All Talk

I had a hard time picking this song because the definition of moving forward was unknown. I just assumed it meant what song says, “Fuck you,” and gets you out of depression. Even then, I don’t know if this song fits in that arena.

#23. A song that I think everyone should listen to.

Eminem – Untouchable 

Okay, so if you disagree chances are this song or anything that anyone says is not going to make you see it any differently. I might be white, but this song moved me and it was deep. And you want to know something odd, this does not hit on the same level; but the fact that I can’t seem to find a job after countless interviews it makes me feel like there is a ton of unsaid discrimination in the workplace.

Based on the fact that no one believes me when I tell them I kinda feel oppressed because of my disability, call me an idiot, whatever; until you wear my shoes everything you say is taken with a grain of salt.

But, regardless; you have the freedom to sit, stand, knell, or jack off during the national anthem. Would you want to live in a country that forced their citizens to do something they don’t want to. Is it disrespectful to exercise your rights?

I can keep talking about this, but either you agree or you don’t, nothing I say is going to change your mind.

This song even goes deeper than the flag thing, but I don’t really need to talk about that; mainly because I don’t see their perspective, all I can say is…it’s not right.

#24. A song from a band that I wish were still making music.

Rage Against the Machine – Down Rodeo

I don’t know what I can say about this band. I like the rock mixed with “rap” (if you even call it that.) I love the band’s political undertones. If they were still making music I would most likely buy their new shit. This band is dope.

#25. A song from an artist who is no longer living.

Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun

You know, it was kinda hard for me not to pick an early 2000’s Linkin Park song due to the fact that Chester Bennington’s death was not too far after Chris Cornell’s. I liked the old Linkin Park too.

A few times I have talked about memories of watching MTV back in the day. When I was a kid in Lincoln, Nebraska I grew up across the street from a kid named Josh. His mom was hot.

I remember being at his house playing some type of game on Sega Genesis with vikings in it or something. His mom was in the shower and they had like those clear sliding glass doors on the shower, the glass that pixelated everything on the other side.

Well his younger brother went into the bathroom and didn’t shut the door, so I just say there at stared at a pixelated version of a blond haired lady with a 80’s style bush.

Anyhow. She was me and my sisters babysitter during the summer. I was over at his house playing with Lincoln Logs when me and Josh convinced his mom to let us watch MTV when the Red Hot Chili Peppers video for Under the Bridge was on, after that Black Hole Sun was on and I think I remember that because of the ladies face being deformed and melting.

Then, I lived in Seattle, or close enough, like; his suicide bothered me mainly because when you think of Seattle you think of 3 bands, or 3 people: Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, and Chris Cornell (Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden)

Like he was 1 of the 3 that like didn’t go in the 90’s, then this happened; and to me it came out of nowhere.

There is a podcast from Seattle that I listen to called The Migs Cast and like afterwards there was an episode talking about his passing and how every member of the podcast was somehow connected to him.

In the words of Forest Gump, “That’s all I got to say about that.”

#26. A song that makes me fall in love.

Brother Ali – It Ain’t Easy

This song doesn’t really fit, but I’m that guys that pays attention to lyrics. Like I like beats and shit, but more often than not the lyrical content of a song means more to me than the beat.

One night I was driving home from Shannon’s dads house, I can’t remember why; she was in the car too. This song started playing because I was listening to this album, and like with the idea that she was in the car too it made me listen to the song and say, “I love you baby,” as I grabbed her hand.

She was not paying attention to the song because she was like, “What was that for,” and I said, “The song.”

#27. A song that breaks my heart.

Limp Bizkit – Hold On

I was in the back of my friends car one night and we were with a few other friends, can’t remember who; we were on our way to Eatonville for a Halloween/House party. I remember saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to go, I’m afraid of saying something stupid.”

“Chill out Dan,” was what I kept hearing.

Then I was at the party and about 30 minutes later I’m sitting in the kitchen getting drunk as fuck off of vodka, 151, whiskey, and beer; and just like I predicted I started saying stupid shit and making an ass out of myself.

The party was at my ex-girlfriends house, this was before our kid was born. All I really remember is telling her current boyfriend that he was a piece of shit who didn’t treat her right.

I found out that in an attempt to get me to shut up they gave me a Mountain Dew, but the bottle was full of vodka. I must have been wasted, it tasted like Mountain Dew.

At one point this song came on while I’m sitting on the kitchen floor drinking this Mountain Dew I remember saying something to the effect of, “You want to know how I feel,” and after a short pause I continue with, “listen to this song.”

This was as Heather was standing in the kitchen yelling at me because I was being an asshole.

After awhile she said, “Is this really how you feel,” to which I think I said, “Yea, I dont have a shot anymore, you made that clear; I just can’t cope with it but I’ll be okay.”

That stuck a cord with her because later that night she ended up driving her boyfriend home, apparently he was crying or whatever.

So every time I hear that song I think of that.

If you read this whole thing you have a clue of the relationship that I had with my kids mom, I may say it is a fuck ton better; not friends by any means, but when I go pick up my kid we talk while my kid is getting ready and we don’t fight.

Her husband came and talked to me one night too, that was weird, nothing wrong with the conversationm, it was friendly, just weird.

#28. A song from an artist with a voice that I love.

No Doubt – Sunday Morning

I don’t  know what to say about this song. Back in the day Tragic Kingdom was one of my favorite albums. I thought Gwen Stefani was the hottest girl on the planet, I kinda still do, but I’m not 13 either.

I’m just now realizing this post is 5,116 word at this point, seven words ago.

#29. A song that you remember from your childhood.

The Lovin’ Spoonful – Summer in the City

When I was a little kid in Nebraska my dad drove a 1986 Ford F-150, I think he bought that truck when I was like 7 years old or something, prior to that he drove a 1980 Pontiac Firebird.

He had that truck until I was like…fucking 23 years old, I remember him selling it to my roommate for $250. It was a piece of shit at that point, in the Midwest getting rust on cars happens a hell of a lot easier that it does in Western Washington, but by the time that I moved to Washington when I was 14 years old that truck had like a few rust holes in it.

I remember him driving me places and he was always listening to classic rock stations, this song was played a lot and every time I hear it I can picture us on the road with that one fast food joint.

20+ years later all he does is listen to talk radio, which, hey… I do too, but like music apparently drives him nuts and gives him a headache now that he is in his 60’s.

While I’m talking about my dad and classic rock, he tries to tell me that Led Zeppelin is heavy metal, and that, that right there just blows me away.

I understand what he is trying to say, but that’s like saying The Sugarhill Gang was gangster rap.

#30. A song that reminds me of myself.

Prozak – Good Enough

This song, sadly, remind me of everything that I’m going though. In the song when he says, “Bound in chains and can’t be free,” my disability, not necessarily my disability; but the discrimination that I receive because of it, as far as trying to find employment goes, are the chains and until it changes I can’t be free.

I don’t know if I need to say to much about it, if you really care you can read my feelings here, here, and here.

And just like that, I’m done with this long ass post.

By da wa, if I mes up on gramer I dnt car, me not tryin 2 b stupit, sry & sht.

Fun While it Lasted

It was fun while it lasted, it was a good break from…

Okay so I’m going to end up getting a few people that might be mad at me or might even wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with you.” Today is June 10th,2018 and with that being said it is my 360th day of living in the state of Oregon.

I don’t really need to go into it, hell if you’re that interested you can dive into my blog and you might find this out, in more lengthy terms that might tell you more than I’m about to.

In…well 363 days ago with the help of my father and Shannon’s father, we got in my car and they got in a 18′ U-haul so we could turn right from West A to Coddington in Lincoln, Nebraska just so we could get onto West I-80 and drive straight for three days, covering 1,624 miles in total (that is 2,614 kilometers).

We arrived in Portland, Oregon on June 15th, 2017. As you might know, I’m poor as fuck and can’t seem to find a job to save my life, it has begun to make me think I’m unemployable, I also live off of Social Security; but that is a whole other story, that If you know I’d like to give you a bro hug for reading my shit.

Shannon, she had to quit both of her jobs. Shannon was born here, in a place many refer to as Portland; but it’s not really Portland, just another city that merges into it. I also lived up north in Washington State form 1998-2013, I consider that my home; Nebraska can go fuck itself.

I moved back there in 2013 at the age of 29 after leaving in 1998 at the age of 14. When you’re young, especially if you don’t know any different, you think the place you’re born is the best place ever. Then 15 years later I moved back to find myself saying, “This place fucking sucks.”

We moved in with her mom and step-dad, which to be honest…we had to. My future father-in-law, one of the two, has a need to use the computer on a daily basis but he can’t. He has a rare disability that has deformed all of his joints, the most noticeable being his hands. “But Daniel, you’re disabled too,” yes, I know; I’m not saying his disability is bad per se.

Because of the idea that he can not use a computer, guess who does it? Me, fucking me. How he did this shit before I moved here I don’t fucking know. He did have this guy named Andy who do it, but after awhile he started stealing his pain medication and unfortunately ended up becoming addicted to Heroin.

So now I do it. On one hand it’s the easiest shit in the world to do, all I fucking do really is check his e-mail, print off his bank information, compose an e-mail, every now and then I’ll order some shit, electronically deposit a check, or look some shit up. He can not use a computer, he still uses a goddamn type writer when he has to; so when he made a form for something it ended up looking like something a 10 year old would have made in computer class if it was the year of 1993, with big fucking 30 pound monitors and a ribbon printer that took 5 minutes to print one sheet of text.

He had no idea what a computer could do, I took his form and re-created it in OpenOffice Draw; which honestly looks like something a 10 year old would make in the year 2004 in computer class! Did they still have computer classes, for like basic shit, not like drafting, animation, graphic design, so on and so forth.

So, do I mind doing it for him? No, not necessarily. But now that I’m into it, it’s like he expects me to be there. Because of the fact that he can not do it makes me feel like I have to even if I don’t want to, and honestly I don’t want to anymore.

Because of the fact that he can’t use a computer every single e-mail, picture, bank information, what have you, needs to be printed; some things just don’t print well and I need to print a cropped screenshot of something.

It’s not even the fact that he asks, given his situation I would typically have no issue doing it. If you take into account that I feel like I need to, like I’m doing my own shit; I don’t want to drop everything I’m doing just to take care of his shit!

Granted it might not be important ship, like killing a cult member in Farcry 5, building a store in Fallout 4, or kicking an extra point in Madden 18; but nonetheless, what the fuck dude.

He also can’t hear that well, which is fine, it is what it is; but he sits here and watches goddamn documentaries all day, and to be honest if I was watching it too I might have it at, or close to, the same volume but when you don’t want to listen to it, it feels like you’re at Centurylink Field during a Seahawks football game.

So now that I told you that part of the story, let me tell you the different part of the same story, you know…kinda like those non-linear plot lines that you’ve seen on The Walking Dead or Breaking Bad.

Shannon and I might be poor as fuck, but we’re lucky as hell. When we moved in a year ago our plan was to move out in 6 months or so, but that never happened; we didn’t really save any money nor could we really save any in the first place. Shannon, who makes more than I do was also working on trying to pay shit off, so was she saving money, in a manner of speaking.

Anyhow they want us out of their house as much as we want out of this house and in a really lucky turn of events her mom bought us a manufactured house. My dad, mainly because my mom can’t do it because of her disability, which if you forgot or didn’t know is the same disability that I have.

My dad is doing his part to not only repair shit in the house, but also use his engineering knowledge to knock out walls and make 90% of the doors 32″ wide (81 cm).

We own a house that we don’t live in yet. We’re in the process of getting ready for my dad to come down from Washington State to live in my house and sleep on the couch for 2 weeks so he can, re-plumb the entire house, put in some doors, and build a new wall in the place (not the same walls, a new wall that is at an angle to widen the opening into the hallway), I hope that made sense, if not get a piece of paper and draw a square, then divide that square into 2 triangles.

Me and Shannon were at the house one night and my dad was on the other end of the speaker phone, he was telling us to “Now measure where that wall comes to a corner to the wall across from it.” While this is going on Shannon got a call on her phone, may I mention that my father-in-law can not walk anymore and he might only leave the house 12 times a year.

If you have not figured it out yet, her step-father was on the phone wondering where we were, because honestly I didn’t tell him, nor do I think I have to tell him where I’m going every time I leave.

In the long run, she hung up her phone while my dad was still on the phone and said, “Sorry Bill, we got to go right now my step-father is having a medical emergency.” She carried my wheelchair down the steps while I stood there on the “ground level,” as soon as she got my chair down she said, “Are you okay, because I need to go,” to which I said “Yea I’m good, go.”

I got home, I met her there after work, so both of our cars were there. I got home after she did and as I was taking my wheelchair out of the back of my car I hear sirens. I roll up closer to Shannon who is now standing outside as she said, “It took 911 two and a half minutes to get here.”

I’m sitting inside watching all these paramedics and firemen asking a bunch of questions and at one point one of the paramedics said, “Your blood pressure is so high that I’m worried about you having a stoke, so we’re taking you to the hospital.”

That was on Friday around 5pm, he came home on Sunday around 1pm. Oh my god, it felt so good to be the only one in the house most of Saturday. He was in the hospital, his wife was there with him too, Shannon was at work. Oh my god.

He didn’t ask me to do shit nor did he have some war documentary on full blast.

Like, our current living situation sucks, could be worse I guess. My computer is in the office and the office is connected to the kitchen. There is a 42″ TV on the wall in the kitchen, he spends about 80% of his day at the kitchen table watching TV while he does this and that. So I pretty much wear headphones if I’m listening to anything that I want to pay attention to; TV, music, video games, whatever.

The reasoning sucks, but I got to say, those 24+ hours were the best I’ve had by staying in Oregon. Every now and then I’ll drive up into Washington State to visit parents, friends, kid; but I’m not counting that.

It was great.


Quick Post While Drunk

Okay, so I’m not drunk, but I shouldn’t drive; god damn it feels like I’m typing so slow right now. I type slow as is, but fuck; this is like on slow-mo or some shit.

So like I got a lot of shit I can say because honestly I have not posted anything for a year besides stupid shit every now and then. Recently a few people have followed my blog and I don’t know if it because they like to hear about my life, the few sexual and fictional stories I wrote, but regardless they have followed my blog, why? I don’t know, but it’s cool.

Honestly my most read post is about a ghost watching me masturbate; my question is, are you just into sex or do you like stories about ghosts? If I title every post with the word masturbate will like everyone read my shit.

Anyhow, I kinda ran out of steam at this point, but like I got to say, “I’m not the smartest guy at football, but who the fuck goes for it on 4th and anything?” That is like…so dumb.


Some Depressing Shit

Okay, so before I start writing let it be known that I might mess up on grammar and if I do it’s most likely because once I get into typing I really suck at editing myself, so if that happens; which it will, just deal with it.

So I’m less depressed now than I was an hour or two ago and that might be due to the fact that I’m on my third day of taking anti-depression medication. But it’s not much better, it just makes me feel okay with life I guess. So let’s go back and explain today’s feeling of hopelessness.

A week ago I was scheduled for a job interview and about four days before that interview I received a random call from a staffing agency. In the long run I ended up having two job interviews that were two days apart from one another.

At each of them I was told that they would have a decision at the end of the week, so what do I do? I waited a week or five days a weekend and that following Monday, on that Thursday I wrote both companies a very short and very nice e-mail to both of the hiring managers.

Today (March 14th, 2018) I called both places but only received word from one of the two, one of them telling me not to contact the company directly because I worked for the staffing agency, which is beyond weird to me. But I was told that their client was not going to hire me.

So am I doing something wrong? What the fuck is it? After being told, “No,” over and over again it has put me into a spot where I assume that there is a lot of discrimination that goes on in the workplace, even if the laws say otherwise. But is there? Am I just pulling shit out of my ass?

There are a lot of jobs that I can’t do, and sadly I understand that and it has put me into this spiral where I don’t trust anyone. A lot of entry level jobs that do not require you to have a college education often require you to have physical abilities that I don’t have no matter how hard I try.

If you do not know I have a physical disability that has me in a wheelchair, and I can stand up for short periods of time and whatnot. But still there are a fuck ton of jobs that I can’t do based on that.

What did I do to try to get around that? I had the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation fund both of my college degrees. I have two college degrees, one in Mechanical Engineering Design and the other in Machining and Manufacturing Technologies.

The state rather pay someone with a disability, someone who can not find a job, to go to school and acquire the tasks to be employable than to pay you X amount for the rest of your life because you can not find a job.

That brings me to my next point, Social Security Disability Income. They pay more than basic Social Security, and the only reason I’m on it is due to the that I held my first job for five years and payed into the system. But honestly, do you know how much they give you, or me in this case because it varies from person to person; $905.00 a month, do you have any idea how hard it is to live off of 10,860.00 a year?

It’s not easy. And for those of you who think that all we do is sit at home and eat the most lavish food one can buy, no, no we don’t. But I don’t feel like I need to go into that. The point is that I don’t take any pride in the fact that I’m taking your tax money, I don’t; I mean I’m glad it’s there because if it wasn’t I would have became homeless and killed myself long ago, either that or go live at my parents and feel like a useless 34 year old that lives with his mom and dad.

Do you know how many times I’ve been told, “We’re going to pass on you,” it’s depressing as hell. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Like, I come off socially awkward in interviews. Or do I? Is that what I force myself to believe? It can’t be the disability thing, or can it?

I honestly had a thought today, “If I was not here I would not feel like crap day in and day out over an issue that I can’t control, and I wouldn’t disappoint people who expect me to be financially stable,” but at the same time I had the contradictory thought of “I don’t want to die; people love me regardless, I’m getting married in 7 months, I have a son, I have parents, I have friends; and all of these people care about me.

I have the tendency to be one of the best people that you got to know, I even blow people away a lot of the time. I would not actually do that I love myself too much, but this, this thing called life is too depressing.

Do employers even care? I don’t think they do! I sit there in an interview and you know that I can use Solidworks, I can read a blueprint, I have plenty of knowledge when it comes to manufacturing; I know how to generate a bill of materials, I have knowledge in geometric tolerancing and dimensioning. I’m not just some dipshit off the street.

It is so hard for me to buy into the fact that you’re not hiring me because I didn’t fit. Now all I hear when you say, “We’re going to pass on you,” is, “We are so sorry that you have a shitty life, but that’s not our problem. We now that you want this job and will put every ounce of energy that you have into it, but because of the fact that you come off socially awkward and no longer trust yourself because people keep kicking you when you’re down; we don’t care about you.

Like how do people do it? How do you gain confidence that you don’t have? How do you act like you’re the best person in the world when time and time again employers have given you a reason to think you’re just someone else. How the hell?

The Digital Journal

I have a journal on my computer, I started it in 2013 when I lived at my parents house in Lincoln, NE. The entries on it have dwindled between 2013 and 2018, but every now and then I did write shit down, more or less to give myself someone to bitch to, even if it was myself. I got to admit, it’s fun to go read shit that you wrote a year or two ago.

This entry is going to be public. Because well, I’m pissed off and some people might like to know why. In the large aspect, it won’t matter; but if you care to read I’m going to tell you nonetheless. And I may go off on tangents here and there to explain the background of something that might not be known.

So to start things off let me ask you a question? You know that picture? The One at the top of this posting? That’s my left hip after surgery. You might be asking, “What did you do.” Well…

I was going down a slight hill, a very slight hill , in my wheelchair if you don’t know anything about me, and at one point I took my hands off of my wheels to try to put a key in my pocket. So at this point whatever speed I has, which was fast, was taking me wherever gravity wanted to take me.

And…I crashed, was ejected out of my wheelchair and my body flew in a different direction then my wheelchair did which resulted in my body getting thrown onto the pavement.

So…that picture is the result of a broken bone. And I’m still recovering, according to the physical therapists total recovery time is about a year and a half, and as of now (January 2018) I’m only about 3.5 mouths into a 18 mouth healing process.

But…I only bring that up to give you a better understanding of what I’m about to say.

This morning I left the house at…

Oh yea, it is January 11th, 2018 at 4:55pm Pacific Standard Time.

This morning I left the house at 11:45 to go to a PT appointment. I also had to go to Fred Meyer and Bi-Mart.

Speaking of Bi-Mart, that is a weird fucking store. There is only one entrance into the store, and even when you get into the store some employee has to fucking buzz you in or open the turnstyle, if you want to call it. That makes you feel like you’re fucking cattle being drawn into the barn!

Then when you leave, when you leave; there is only one exit and you can’t get to it unless you buy something, or at least that must be their goal. So if you don’t buy anything you have to go through the check stand anyways.

And what if every line has someone in it waiting to buy something? Well I’ll tell you what you do if you’re in a wheelchair, you fucking sit there and wait for nothing, with nothing, just you can leave.

And the inside of the store makes you feel like you were transported to a small ass fucking town in the middle of goddamn nowhere, a store that has a lot of shit, but no type of interior decoration, just aisles of shit that look like every other goddamn aisle of shit.

Fuck Bi-Mart!!!

The only reason I had to go was because of my disabled future father-in-law who can not used a computer even if he wanted to had to drop off some paperwork at the pharmacy, and I happened to be the vehicle do get done what he can’t do.

I can’t really walk in the first place, then I got a surgical hip on top of it. I finally got to the point where I can go somewhere on my own accord, but it’s not the fast to transfer my wheelchair and use a cane to help me walk to the driver’s side of my car. So I more or less had to do that 10 times from when I left to when I got home.

When I left the house it was raining. When I was at my physical therapy appointment it stopped raining and became sunny, but an hour and a half hour later; it started raining again.

I’m not complaining about the rain! It’s something that you have to force yourself to get used to when you live in the Pacific Northwest. And well, I lived 50 miles south of Seattle from 1998-2013. I just happen to live in Portland, Oregon now.

But fucking people, turn on your goddamn headlights when it is overcast as fuck and it’s raining. Yes, we all are aware that you can see, but do you ever ask yourself, “Can they see me.” Yes we can, but it’s much harder when you don’t have your lights on and everyone else does.

And when we look over to see if we can change lanes or not, are you in our blind spot? Well I don’t fucking know because your car blends into the environment, you don’t have your lights on because you think you’re special or some shit, and all that rain on our back windows make it hard to see. It would be much easier if…I don’t know, they invented these things that lit up that were not only a way for you to see but was also a way to be like “Here I am.”

You would think they have this problem too, but I guess not; I guess they are just assholes that don’t seem to care about anyone else’s safety.

And…handicapped parking. When you get to a store and all 8 handicapped spots are taken. What do you do. Park in a normal spot right? What if you need that no parking zone on the side of your car for the extra room required to do things like open your door, get out, then fit your wheelchair right next to your care to load or unload things.

What am I supposed to do?

What are they, as in other disabled people, supposed to do?

Does anyone care?

Close to 4 hours later I got back home, from going to 3 places! I’m not super happy about it either. But what do I do, sit here and clap at the wall; as if I need more reasons to be depressed.

Once again, fuck Bi-Mart.


The Scientific Ramblings of a Confused Human.

What comes after 0 seconds? 1 second. What comes after 59 seconds? 60 seconds. What is 60 seconds equivalent to? 1 minute!

What comes after 1 minute? 2 minutes. What comes after 59 minutes? 60 minutes. What is 60 minutes equivalent to? 1 hour!

What comes after 1 hour? 2 hours. What comes after 23 hours? 24 hours. What is 24 hours equivalent to? 1 day!

What comes after 1 day? 2 days. What comes after 6 days? 7 days. What is 7 days days equivalent to? 1 week!

What comes after 1 week? 2 weeks. What comes after 3 weeks? 4 weeks. What is 4 weeks equivalent to? 1 month!

What comes after 1 month? 2 months. What comes after 11 months? 12 months. What is 12 months equivalent to? 1 year!

Point being that the timeline is a timeline, time does not stop even after you die and the Earth gets to the point where it holds no form of life for another billion years or whatever. The only reason we know the time and date is because someone, somewhere, was like, “Hey, if the sun is on a scale we can all relate to one another and keep track of history and what not.”

Okay, he did not say that; but if the words of Matthew McConaughey, “It’d be pretty cool if you did.”

Why the fuck does everyone make a big deal out of the new year? Yes, it’s a new year; and guess what happens? People do shit, you’re just hoping it’s good shit. How far do you want to take it? Do you want to light off fireworks every minute. If so that is going to cost you a lot of fucking money and you might get arrested too.

Like, it’s just another number on our system of time. And how do we even know that today is what today is? Is it because we all agree on it?

What if I made a resolution to drink more beer and I started on March 13th, 2022? Would it be any different than making the same resolution on January 1st, 2018?

And fucking people on Goddamn Facebook, stop acting like a new year is going to like…change who you are or some shit. You might change. And if you did, good; hopefully. But guess what? You changed you, or tried to; a new number on this thing that we call the timeline ain’t changing shit besides your age and the age of things around you.

And in the words of Forest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”